I have been praying and listening more and writing less. Well here at least. The thrust of most of my writing lately has been in my prayer journal.
In part, this was due to our knowing about our on the way grandbaby,while having to keep quiet about it for awhile.Naturally I was ecstatic and wanted to shout from the rooftops.On the other hand, we wanted to respect the kids wishes.Therein lied the dilemma, Where oh where do I take this joy and praise and yes, even fears? The answer became very clear as I had to do something with the overwhelming emotions.Take them to Jesus.
Throughout the months, as I waited for the green light to share both privately and on FB, about this blessed event, many emotions were flooding my heart. Joy, Gratitude,a Humbling at Gods goodness,and even fear of my own unworthiness to be a Mimi to this precious Little One. Of course, satan had to stir the pot.He is always lurking to "kill, steal and destroy"- the great "accuser of the brethren" that he is. However this time, as he ran at me fists filled with lies and downgrades and arrows full of deceit and propoganda...the precious Holy Spirit of God deflected those destructive messages with the purest love and generosity of heart as He pointed me to the heart of prayer and worship.
Because I had a secret, I felt very alone in some ways. However that thought only lasted a few moments.In reality, I am never alone for He has promised to "never leave me or forsake me". He never "slumbers or sleeps" and always is paying attention to His own. He knows all about me and all my thoughts,emotions or anxieties and He collects "every tear I ever shed". He wants me to have "abundant life" and to "call upon the name of the Lord". His "mercies are new every morning" and "His rod and staff comfort me". He alone "knows the plans He has for me " and they are for good! He wants me "to work out my salvation" and accomplish what He has for me in this life..."to will and to work His good pleasure". These are just a few of the morsels of Gods Word that He recurrently brought to my mind that I might not feel alone nor fall for the enemy of my souls lies or tricks. I intentionally did not look up chapter and verse here to cite the address or to validate Gods Word. His Word stands. In my heart. In my life.In the transforming power it brings to each persons life as we simply listen and believe.
As the opportunity to write ( pray ) in my prayer journal went on I could hear often the Holy Spirit speaking truth into me and thus dispelling the lies of the accuser. The more I wrote, the more I heard as I was surrendering to the Lords picture of things as He sees them and not the deceptiveness of satans untruths. As we ( the Spirit and I ) went along I began to feel empowered to pray even more for the Little One and all God has for them...to dedicate them to Jesus and His Kingdom and to pray blessings over them and for he or she to come to Christ at an early age and live a life protected and empowered by Him. As the prayers became alive and more real, certainly the worship at Gods Majesty and dominion became a part of the process and my heart became alive with hope. Hope in Christ. Hope for the Little One. Hope for this Mimi who knows her foundation and ONLY legacy lies in the love gifted her by Jesus and then in turn shared with those He gave her in this earthly life.No liar, or demon of Hell can overcome that.
This may not be a great sample of writing. This is however a great testimony to the faithfulness of God. To the amazing power of His Word. To the comfort and encouragement of the Holy Spirit.And last but not least, the courage and fight within a mother or a grandmother to love and protect and pray for her children or grand babies. I fought a good fight for my kids, while battling demons from my past at the same time. Gods grace and mercy were ever present. Now I feel even more equipped by the power of the Holy Spirit to wage war on this Little Ones behalf.
satan, you are a liar and a thief.
you were and are defeated in the name of Jesus, the One and Only true God.
your games and tricks have stumbled many.
We get up in the name of Jesus Christ, We go on in His Spirit.We "overcome by the power of His blood."
My only claim to fame and my only legacy is in The King and His Kingdom.And against Him, nothing shall prevail.
Wednesday, July 9, 2014
Monday, March 3, 2014
Layer by Layer,Step by Step
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| Ray and I ~ August 1984 ~ 10th Anniversary |
Over the past several days and weeks, God has been so gracious and generous to be clearing my mind, and speaking directly into my heart and spirit. Throughout my life He has often had to pull me aside, and dust the cobwebs of dysfunction and confusion from my mind and from my inner voice and allow His healing salve to permeate my wounded self. By His Word, by spirit drenched music, and by His saints, servants and leaders He has creatively and timely taken my shaking hands and fearful heart into His embrace.For decades , I was unaware. I felt the "stirrings" but did not understand the message.There were times, as well, when the message was misunderstood and translated to me, through my brokenness, and via the inner voice , that had not yet been made new~ or responded to the Masters Touch. It is with great humility that I am able to see how even as a believer, saved by Gods grace and the precious blood of my Savior~ that I still responded to how I had been trained and programmed by my abuse, the world around me and the lies of the enemy. I repeatedly chose sin and my own ways and the ways of this world to somehow survive.Thankfully I am loved by a God Who takes all that into consideration when making someone new.He calls out to us, even as He did to Adam and Eve in the Garden, and asks us "Where are you"? Genesis 3:9 It is not His desire that we hide from Him. It is always His desire that we be restored. This restorative plan is ongoing ,as we open ourselves to His drawing us to Him.
The reason I chose to include these two pictures is because I too in some ways, continue to hide.I am no longer hiding from the truth of my abuse. I am no longer hiding from the truth of Gods grace and His Word to heal and even transform me.I no longer hide my sadness or fear or brokenness from Him.He is my Refuge. He is my Hiding Place.He is my Father and my Healer. I know all this to be true.And in my spirit I am very sure of these things. However. I live in a body on planet Earth.I live in a world governed by worldly lusts and rules and lies and prejudices and assumptions.Unfortunately, for many people, this causes them much pain in life.I have allowed my "weight"~ be it small or large~ to govern me for far too long. It was my "identity" for a huge portion of my teen and younger adult years.It kept me in eating disorders for decades. It confused my own body and metabolism into not functioning properly for decades.It brought me shame when without "starving" or exercising crazily ~ I could no longer portray the appropriate and acceptable numbers on the scale or the size dress or jeans that made me an acceptable or attractive woman.It made me feel unworthy of a good, decent and handsome mans love.It made me hesitant and camera shy ~ as if my life had no worth outside of how I measured up. This "false sense of pride" robbed my children, and my future grandchildren or great grandchildren ~ and even Ray and I of many moments able to be captured on film~ in pictures~ because I held such contempt for my "unacceptable" body and felt such "shame" for even existing.
This may sound crazy or over the top or irrational to some of you.But there are lots of people accepting the lies the enemy tells them.It becomes the norm. It is the sweater we bundle ourselves up in daily. One wears it for so long, we do not even realize it is on us.It becomes a part of us and until, by the grace of God, we recognize He never meant for this to be a part of us, His creation and deeply loved one ~ that we are able to stand before the "mirror" of His Love and disrobe.In a moment filled with grace and supernatural beauty we can see the old, dirty,ragged sweater~ tattered and torn, useless and unnecessary, and courageously remove it.It feels unnatural, at first.The comfort is gone, but it was not real comfort.Comfort is being loved for exactly who you are, how you look,what you weigh and for all that means to you. Comfort is accepting ones self in all those same ways. Comfort is recognizing that one is spirit, soul and body and all parts are important and valuable.Comfort is doing this...owning this. Facing that I allowed my pride and my sin and my shame and my feeling unworthy and not as good as anybody else...to rob me, my husband,my children.Comfort is knowing there is forgiveness and understanding and new days ahead. From God. From myself. From those I love. I still struggle. I may everyday I have breath. As I continue to allow God to breathe His life and love into me, I want to change the ways in which I accept and love myself. Facing this was heartbreaking. One cannot "unring" a bell. But one can play a new song on that bell. My prayer and hope is that I will answer to my Father, when he calls and asks where I am. That I will continue to realize He already knows exactly where I am, and why I am there.To embrace the fact that He inquires because He cares so much for me and that because of that great love and grace~ I might continue to come out of hiding. Facing our demons and our weaknesses, in the Light of His love, makes change possible. His is not a condemning, comparative Love. His is one that calls us into wholeness like we've never known. Safe, gentle,courageous and life changing. Just like our Savior.
p |
| Ray and I ~ December 2007~ Christmas |
Tuesday, January 21, 2014
New Songs for a New Vision in a New Year
For most of my life, I have been drawn to the "singer/songwriters". Now as I learn to know myself better, I realize it was not because I was some sort of quirky nerd or some indie spirit...but rather because I am a writer and a communicator. When I listen to music, the lyrical content will capture me...even if I am not drawn to the musicality initially. It is with that in mind that I share these songs, before I explore them here.
The first song is by Matt Maher (along with Audrey Assad, Christy Nockels and Kristian Stanfill) and its titled, Lord, I Need You.
The second song is called We Come, and it is by our pastors daughter and the Worship Leader at our Church, Shannon Quintana.
The song by Matt Maher seems so obvious in its title. Of course" I need you, Lord." However it goes so much deeper than that. This is not a desperate cry alone ,of a soul marred by sin, but rather a statement of truth for the believers life. For anyone who is a follower of Jesus, it is not just His grace and forgiveness we desire and partake of. That partaking" ups the ante "so to speak, because it then causes a relationship and bond to form, that transforms us..or will if we allow it to. This video playfully suggests different hours of the day at which we may need the Lord. Upon rising in the morning..at the coffee break at work..reading a book in the evening and heading off to sleep."Every hour, I need You. " Indeed. It is a relationship bound by love. "We love Him because He first loved us." 1 John 4:19
When we love our spouses, children, friends and even our furry family members; we think of them, want to spend time with them, "need" them to give depth and meaning and value to our existence.Likewise in our relationship with God there are similar feelings. If I have not connected with the Lord, I begin to miss Him.As I think about things in life,how He sees them or would like me to view them, cannot be far behind my own thought processes ~ because we are One now~ in Christ. "My sheep listen to My voice; I know them and they follow Me.I give them eternal life,and they shall never perish, and no one can snatch them out of My Hand. My Father who has given them to Me ,is greater than all; no one can snatch them out of My Fathers Hand. I and the Father are One. John 10: 27~30
This divine connection,redemption,transformation is real. It is a relationship birthed by Love ~ Revealed by Christs sacrifice on the Cross ~Fueled by the drawing of the Holy Spirit and our response to Him. It is not a religious activity or regimen we perform regularly.It is a living ,breathing union with the Creator of our soul.A relationship worthy of time and love and care.I treasure it, therefore I "need" it~ I need the Lord.
In the second song by Shannon, one of the opening lines says this~ " Welcome to the presence of a holy God ~ With open arms You tell us to come closer."
Is not that visual alone breathtaking?
To understand and embrace the concept of a holy God is one thing. To then realize we are being welcomed in, with open arms and then urged to "come closer" is quite another. It serves well to magnify the difference between religion and relationship.We can all recognize that God exists. " You believe that there is one God. Good! Even the demons believe that ~ and shudder." James 2:19 Romans 1:20 also says, "For since the creation of the world, Gods invisible qualities~ His eternal power and divine nature~have been clearly seen , being understood from what has been made,so that people are without excuse." Those are statements from Gods Word. Therefore they stand as complete truth. He exists.
In conjunction with His existence, is the reality that He desires to commune with us, to love us, to develop us as His own. "I have loved you with an everlasting love, I have drawn you with loving kindness says the Lord." Jeremiah 31:3 Philippians 1:6 says " Being confident of this one thing, that He who began a good work in you will carry it onto completion,until the day of Jesus Christ." and also in Revelation 3:20 " Behold I stand at the door and knock,if any man hears My voice I will come into him,and will sup with him and he with Me. " These are only three verses of countless many, where God is reaching out to engage and relate with us.
So as I enter this New Year, I am rejoicing in opportunities to not only recognize my need of my Lord but also to recognize His voice in the stillness of my heart, when He says to come closer to His amazing open arms of love and grace. As in any other valued relationship there may be hills and valleys, because we are human. For His part He never changes and remains the same, yesterday, today and forever.( Hebrews 13:8)
How I thank God for the "singer /songwriters" who influence my walk and my life in Christ.They challenge me and call me to something "higher than I'. As their predecessor David they speak out of their own hearts and reflect the image of the God who created them, and call all of us to become like David, "a man after Gods own heart."
Monday, December 16, 2013
Christmas in My Heart
As we have entered the Christmas season, I have been highly aware of the many ways people approach this celebration of the birth of Jesus Christ. For some it is just a commercial holiday that involves gift giving, family times,Christmas cheer and parties.For others it centers around the birth of Christ and has very little to do with commercialism. And for others, it is a blending of the two, as they see and find value in all the seasons traditions and merriment, while at the core of what they celebrate is the birth of the Savior of mankind, and all that means in their life. I am one of those who has always blended the two...while often feeling judged that I did.
This year I am feeling so free and blessed in celebrating this Christmas season. I am feeling joy and gratitude and wonder and magic. I am integrating the truth of God sending His Son to save the world from themselves, in a tiny baby in a manger in Bethlehem, with the whimsy of tiny elves and prancing reindeer and the joy of giving gifts to express love. They co-exist in the heart of me. While some may want to argue the points of commercialism, or the celebration of a religious holiday versus a pagan celebration of that holiday, I want to fully express the joy I feel in all of the festivities.
As this song conveys a message of offering all praise and worship to Jesus, our Savior- I too allow my expression of all things Christmas to shout out my love and gratitude to God for sending His Son to save mankind. I recognize the absolute truth in the gift of Jesus and I rejoice in that truth by this day living my life unto Him a celebration of all He has made me to be.That celebration includes for me, a manger scene as well as candy canes and garland and santas and elves and snowmen.All of this brings me joy and smiles on my face and whimsy in my heart.God has created and made ALL things and it is to His credit that we get to enjoy them.He is the giver of all gifts and so I find it difficult to separate them into either "pagan or commercial or religious" categories. I do not want to.I choose to celebrate Jesus, my Savior and His birth and all God intended from that. That has been the call upon my life and the trajectory from which my life changed and grew.Without Jesus, there is no life, no hope for me.He is my Redeemer and Lord.He is the Rock upon whom my life stands.He is also the Creator of the Universe and all things beautiful and wonderful and whimsical...because without His giftings unto men there would be no creativity.So I open my arms to all the whimsy and make believe and magic and wonder...because its all because of Him anyway. He is the Creator, the Designer, and the Giver of all gifts. I am the one receiving it all and embracing it and I am just overjoyed and grateful.
I think what I'm trying to say here is that I can be both a Worshipper at the manger in Bethlehem and ultimately at the Cross of Calvary....while still entertaining visions of sugarplums in my head.and reindeer and elves and the spirit of Santa Claus and Father Christmas. Without Christ, nothing exists that does exist.He holds all things together.He is the Alpha and the Omega.Instead I choose to thank Him for all the good and wonder and whimsy and celebrate it. I play it out every year in my Christmas decorations. I play it out every day in my creativity and the way I am attracted to whimsical decor.I allow myself to be who He created me to be, without judgement of being pagan or worldly, because I enjoy whimsical things. My ability to enjoy life and be creative comes from the God who created and redeemed me.He alone sees our hearts and why we are who we are. As we walk with Him, He will change and transform us as He sees fit. I am so happy to be celebrating Jesus and Christmas with my family and friends and knowing that it is all a gift from Him. In turn I offer my MERRY CHRISTMAS to Him...all the cards, the lights, the garland and decor...the baking and the candlelights burning...the whimsical characters that make me smile...each present chosen and wrapped for those I love...are all a thank you and a celebration of my Lord and all He has gifted me in this life.
For years , I worried and felt judged that possibly even in Christmas , I might be "doing it wrong". My heart was so belonging to Jesus..but I loved everything whimsical about the holiday as well. I wanted it all to celebrate Him but I liked some of the whimsy and fun aspects as well...the worldly things I guess. Now I understand that I am not of this world , so what I celebrate could not be of this world. If you choose to celebrate Christmas another way or not at all, I agree with your God given right to choose. I also will not shudder under peoples judgement that as a Christian, I cannot enjoy some of the whimsical things of Christmas. I can. I am free in Christ and I have liberty in Him.
Merry Christmas to all. Happy Birthday Jesus,my Savior. Thank you for making all things new in You.
Saturday, October 19, 2013
The Joseph Syndrome
This past two weeks of retirement have set me upon a new path. It was not one I sought, or yearned for; nor is it one of great service to humanity or the Body of Christ. It is however one birthed by the circumstances I have found myself in and the result of continued prayer and seeking Gods face, that I might be of service to Him, to both magnify and glorify His name.
Almost two years ago I found out I had a condition that is both genetic in predisposition, and aggravated by physical conditions in my own personal body.
I did what the doctor ordered and there was no recurrence of the symptoms. Until last week.
Amidst my new found confusion of retirement, although exhilarated by my not having to go to work, was also a lack of direction so to speak. It took several weeks for me to adapt to new sleeping schedules, more freedom,the balance between "I want to" versus "I have to". During this time, the visitor of my aging physical body came to call, and with it a great opportunity for my Father in Heaven to shine His Light into dark caverns and corners of my heart, that I knew existed, but did not understand needed attention. Does not Romans 8:28 assure us that "all things work together for the good of those called according to His purpose?" Indeed it does, and it has played out this week in such a way that my heart is leaping with praise and gratitude.
As I write about this, let me add that you may not understand. Or you might find it impossible that people can be smart, functional, pretty regular folks, yet be so broken by the sins against them, and the ones they chose along the way, that they are actually enslaved to things they have no clue are keeping them in bondage. However it does happen. And by the grace of God, He is there to layer by layer, find and heal the brokenness. This is yet another glance into this journey of grace and mercy and miracles. At least to me it is.
I believe in satan and his cronies. The Bible tells us that "we wrestle not against flesh and blood but against principalities and powers of darkness". I also believe that my God is stronger and the winner of every real battle, but it does not mean that I do not or have not been caught in the cross fire. It is with the understanding of that,I share what I do here.
Prior to my birth , there was violence and much stress on my mother during the pregnancy due to alcoholism, and dysfunction of many kinds. I was born two and a half months premature. In excess of fifty plus years ago, the news was not encouraging. In fact the words, "she will not make it, call your priest" were actually spoken. But God called me to existence, and had His plans and purpose for my life.I survived.
Many years of abandonment, and physical, sexual and emotional abuse followed. I often WISHED I had died.But I did not.
I lost my brother Michael to cystic fibrosis when I was nine years old. I wished it had been me. I was reminded that it was Michael and not me , "because only the good die young." Uplifting message for a nine year old who had lost the only constant in her life.
Throughout my life I was tormented with thoughts of suicide and death. At seventeen, I tried to kill myself. Jesus saved me both metaphorically and physically. He drastically changed my life, but I still was in the crossfire.
Being diagnosed with PTSD and traumatic amnesia, some of this is part of the deal. If I was not thinking at times of taking my life, I was terrified everyday that Ray or my children would die.Not in a way that I would give a voice to, because I loved and trusted God..and besides that a Christian would not feel that way...but it was there oppressing me always.
Thankfully there was more victory than defeat but the theme was always there. But I was not really aware of this until this past couple weeks.
Within days of my retirement, satan was whispering pretty consistently in my ear, that my new venture in this part of my life was to finally get out of my stress filled profession, only to die. Seriously. These random thoughts would enter my mind and I would feel kind of awkward but didn't really pay them any mind.
As I had a re-occurrence of symptoms of my aforementioned condition, I began to feel absolute panic.
In my desperation, that just so happened to coincide with my private devotions and prayer journaling, Gods gentle nudging and light bearing presence caused me to see several traps the enemy has oppressed me with throughout my life.
Death. Shame. Fear.
As if on an exploratory mission, He showed me how satan had layered them, one upon another,through the years, driven by the circumstances of my life, to ensnare me and tangle me up.
Throughout my life, normal things that happen to people cause me severe shame. Getting sick and even embracing my aging physical body, has shown me that the expectations of "perfection" have seeped into every corner of my life.And the sidecar to this disastrous expectation is that I've never valued myself enough to even believe I am worth it, living that is. Its almost as if I didn't exist, except I did. Sounds crazy, I know but there are a lot of people in this world who feel invisible and non existent.They just don't realize it or can't and they certainly rarely share it. Lots of taking care of others and addictions and perfectionism keep them busy so they are unable to see it.I thank God that He is complete and perfect in all He does.Little by little He is "restoring my soul". And although "I may walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I shall fear no evil." I am trusting in His promise, that "His goodness and mercy shall follow me all the days of my life."
These past two weeks, God allowed me to embrace Him in an even deeper way and to continue on my journey of learning He is my All in All. The unwanted and unaware child hiding in the corners of my soul can peek out and hear His clam,assuring voice.Through His presence and His Word I can risk being afraid and lean into His great mercy and comfort. The Light enables me to peek out and see myself unaware, and yet be drawn to something incredibly beautiful and peaceful...my Fathers heart towards me. His goodness and mercy are following me.
I guess my bigger message here is that just as God continues to see us and reveal Himself to us in our brokenness and sin, that we would be tender and kind and compassionate to others around us.I have always said that everyone has a story. They may or may not ever share it or really feel its impacted them. For whatever reasons, God has called me to recognize and share both my wounds, battles and victories.My prayer is that in His perfect Hands, I can bring some transparency and some comfort and some hope.
"As for you, you thought evil against me, but God meant it for good, to bring about that many people should be kept alive, as they are this day." Genesis 50:20
On the evening that I was struggling the most with some of this, I just happened to share some with Ray after our devotions and prayer time. I told him of the whisperings of "death" , satan had been coming against me with. Right after I told Ray this, my finger bumped something on my phone that opened my phone up to Pinterest. The page opened up to this.
"God knows your life from start to finish. And it won't be over until God says its over."
"You have nothing to fear. "
Circumstance? Coincidence? I think not. I choose to think not.I choose to see " every good and perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of Lights, with whom there is no variation or shifting of shadow due to change." James 1:17 English Standard Version
I choose to trust and believe in Him who loves me" with an everlasting love." Jeremiah 31:3
This week has opened my eyes up to more of King Jesus. Savior.Great Physician. Healer. Friend.
Almost two years ago I found out I had a condition that is both genetic in predisposition, and aggravated by physical conditions in my own personal body.
I did what the doctor ordered and there was no recurrence of the symptoms. Until last week.
Amidst my new found confusion of retirement, although exhilarated by my not having to go to work, was also a lack of direction so to speak. It took several weeks for me to adapt to new sleeping schedules, more freedom,the balance between "I want to" versus "I have to". During this time, the visitor of my aging physical body came to call, and with it a great opportunity for my Father in Heaven to shine His Light into dark caverns and corners of my heart, that I knew existed, but did not understand needed attention. Does not Romans 8:28 assure us that "all things work together for the good of those called according to His purpose?" Indeed it does, and it has played out this week in such a way that my heart is leaping with praise and gratitude.
As I write about this, let me add that you may not understand. Or you might find it impossible that people can be smart, functional, pretty regular folks, yet be so broken by the sins against them, and the ones they chose along the way, that they are actually enslaved to things they have no clue are keeping them in bondage. However it does happen. And by the grace of God, He is there to layer by layer, find and heal the brokenness. This is yet another glance into this journey of grace and mercy and miracles. At least to me it is.
I believe in satan and his cronies. The Bible tells us that "we wrestle not against flesh and blood but against principalities and powers of darkness". I also believe that my God is stronger and the winner of every real battle, but it does not mean that I do not or have not been caught in the cross fire. It is with the understanding of that,I share what I do here.
Prior to my birth , there was violence and much stress on my mother during the pregnancy due to alcoholism, and dysfunction of many kinds. I was born two and a half months premature. In excess of fifty plus years ago, the news was not encouraging. In fact the words, "she will not make it, call your priest" were actually spoken. But God called me to existence, and had His plans and purpose for my life.I survived.
Many years of abandonment, and physical, sexual and emotional abuse followed. I often WISHED I had died.But I did not.
I lost my brother Michael to cystic fibrosis when I was nine years old. I wished it had been me. I was reminded that it was Michael and not me , "because only the good die young." Uplifting message for a nine year old who had lost the only constant in her life.
Throughout my life I was tormented with thoughts of suicide and death. At seventeen, I tried to kill myself. Jesus saved me both metaphorically and physically. He drastically changed my life, but I still was in the crossfire.
Being diagnosed with PTSD and traumatic amnesia, some of this is part of the deal. If I was not thinking at times of taking my life, I was terrified everyday that Ray or my children would die.Not in a way that I would give a voice to, because I loved and trusted God..and besides that a Christian would not feel that way...but it was there oppressing me always.
Thankfully there was more victory than defeat but the theme was always there. But I was not really aware of this until this past couple weeks.
Within days of my retirement, satan was whispering pretty consistently in my ear, that my new venture in this part of my life was to finally get out of my stress filled profession, only to die. Seriously. These random thoughts would enter my mind and I would feel kind of awkward but didn't really pay them any mind.
As I had a re-occurrence of symptoms of my aforementioned condition, I began to feel absolute panic.
In my desperation, that just so happened to coincide with my private devotions and prayer journaling, Gods gentle nudging and light bearing presence caused me to see several traps the enemy has oppressed me with throughout my life.
Death. Shame. Fear.
As if on an exploratory mission, He showed me how satan had layered them, one upon another,through the years, driven by the circumstances of my life, to ensnare me and tangle me up.
Throughout my life, normal things that happen to people cause me severe shame. Getting sick and even embracing my aging physical body, has shown me that the expectations of "perfection" have seeped into every corner of my life.And the sidecar to this disastrous expectation is that I've never valued myself enough to even believe I am worth it, living that is. Its almost as if I didn't exist, except I did. Sounds crazy, I know but there are a lot of people in this world who feel invisible and non existent.They just don't realize it or can't and they certainly rarely share it. Lots of taking care of others and addictions and perfectionism keep them busy so they are unable to see it.I thank God that He is complete and perfect in all He does.Little by little He is "restoring my soul". And although "I may walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I shall fear no evil." I am trusting in His promise, that "His goodness and mercy shall follow me all the days of my life."
These past two weeks, God allowed me to embrace Him in an even deeper way and to continue on my journey of learning He is my All in All. The unwanted and unaware child hiding in the corners of my soul can peek out and hear His clam,assuring voice.Through His presence and His Word I can risk being afraid and lean into His great mercy and comfort. The Light enables me to peek out and see myself unaware, and yet be drawn to something incredibly beautiful and peaceful...my Fathers heart towards me. His goodness and mercy are following me.
I guess my bigger message here is that just as God continues to see us and reveal Himself to us in our brokenness and sin, that we would be tender and kind and compassionate to others around us.I have always said that everyone has a story. They may or may not ever share it or really feel its impacted them. For whatever reasons, God has called me to recognize and share both my wounds, battles and victories.My prayer is that in His perfect Hands, I can bring some transparency and some comfort and some hope.
"As for you, you thought evil against me, but God meant it for good, to bring about that many people should be kept alive, as they are this day." Genesis 50:20
On the evening that I was struggling the most with some of this, I just happened to share some with Ray after our devotions and prayer time. I told him of the whisperings of "death" , satan had been coming against me with. Right after I told Ray this, my finger bumped something on my phone that opened my phone up to Pinterest. The page opened up to this.
"God knows your life from start to finish. And it won't be over until God says its over."
"You have nothing to fear. "
Circumstance? Coincidence? I think not. I choose to think not.I choose to see " every good and perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of Lights, with whom there is no variation or shifting of shadow due to change." James 1:17 English Standard Version
I choose to trust and believe in Him who loves me" with an everlasting love." Jeremiah 31:3
This week has opened my eyes up to more of King Jesus. Savior.Great Physician. Healer. Friend.
Sunday, October 6, 2013
To Be or Not to Be. That is the Question.
This is my first blog entry since entering "retirement."
How funny it is that I thought the first thing I would do is start writing daily. And yet I have not.
It's okay to not do what we think we will, should or ought to be doing. It's okay to be.
The definition of do is" to perform, or complete". The definition of be is to "exist".
The past several weeks I have been existing, rather than performing. It has been comfortable at times, and relaxing. Then on other occasions I have struggled internally with expectations that I alone project upon myself to perform and produce. It has been nice to have the freedom to wrestle with this. Retirement has offered me the luxury of this opportunity.
Let me be honest and say, I am far more comfortable with doing, rather than being. Although I exist, its often been easier for me to view myself as a collector of rules, roles and obligations to be met and deadlines to keep, rather than just a soul , created by God for His purpose and enjoyment and fellowship.
That may sound awkward to many, but to me it was my reality.
When I became pregnant with my children, gave birth to them and raised them, I was ever aware of the preciousness and value of their existence. It was fact and not debatable. It has been obvious in the lives they have lived that they understand this. It has become obvious to me of how that was completely absent from the core of my being and identity and became even more pronounced especially in this time of early retirement. How loving and intimate is my Fathers heart towards me, that He continues to reveal Himself to me and speak deep within my heart, that I may be transformed and changed and thus become obedient to His will for me.
Recently the Lord spoke to me about being humble. I have often seen myself as a humble person, and known myself as a person who has struggled for my lifetime with "unworthiness". As I sat in His presence His Holy Spirit began to shed light on my confusion of sorts.As I brought my humility and unworthiness before His throne, He began to ask questions that could only come from Him ,and give answers that I did not know. For example, He spoke to me about "unworthiness" being rooted in pride rather than humility.Lord that cannot be. After all I pride myself on being a humble person. Exactly my child. You pride yourself on that. Pride. He then continued to show me that I have lived my life either comparing myself to others and never measuring up, or being defensive and protective at some level, because I knew they were judging me and I would not measure up. The unworthiness was all wrapped up in the pride, while disguising itself as some form of humility.
Having no normalcy in my upbringing, I was always grasping for what appeared to be the right or best or good thing to do.I had no idea of any intrinsic value in my being. The messages became mixed up at times because I was a child with no parents. no direction, no love or feeling of being cared for or of any value. The best thing is I do not have to live there anymore. God has called me to Himself. He gave His Son to cleanse me and set me free.His Holy Spirit resides within me to teach, guide and direct me.I am free to live the life Christ has given me to live. I am assured of this for Acts 17:28 states "For in Him we live and move and have our being." I live in Him. I have my being in Him.Everything I am or ever will be is because of Him. His death, burial and resurrection seals the deal and makes it so.
In the grace of God, the doing and being need not war against one another. Because we know we are in Him, and the relationship is based on what He has done, we can be free.In that freedom we may sometimes grow in our being.As a direct result of that being growth period , we may then go on and do in ways unknown to us before. In Gods perfect balance there is both room and purpose for both.
As I get more adapted to my new season of life, I am ever grateful for Gods interruptions. He Alone knows the path He has set for me and is ever present. As I listen for Him, He brings truth to me.He is neither a task master nor an objective observer. He has a plan and purpose. Philippians 2:13 says " For God is working in you,giving you the desire and the power to do what pleases Him."
He holds the key to being and doing. There are no mixed messages.My obedience and submission activate the key He holds, opening the door to many possibilities.
Thursday, August 29, 2013
Staycation:A Trip Worth Taking
As staycation slowly winds down and the end is in sight, I find myself sad at its departure and yet so grateful and refreshed at its existence.
Setting out on staycation, we certainly had things in mind to do and to accomplish. We were able to do both.
Getting things done around your home that you put off during the work week and weekends, feels tremendously good to me.I am detail oriented by nature, and a re-covering perfectionist (LOL) and so I just have to get to things eventually. Ray may not exactly feel this way, but he does hop on board every year and together we accomplish what has previously been ignored. Because we are aging I count on that help and togetherness much more than when I was young and "could do it myself". The benefits of a long and lasting love affair and marriage are countless. You started off young,knowing everything, and in a hurry to get on with life.As life moved on, you became aware of how little you knew, and how that helpmate just might know some things you not only didn't know ,but never cared to know.It takes place on both sides of the relationship and you begin to amass more knowledge, respect, wisdom and love. I can sit for hours and listen to my husband talk. For years, he was quiet and by some measuring sticks he still may be, but when its just he and I the conversation flows.I love it that it does. It speaks volumes to me of years for both of us, where we were neither seen , heard or valued. But God in His great mercy and wisdom saw us and directed us to one another to both love and heal one another.I neither saw this possibility nor imagined it as a young bride. As we worked on various chores during staycation, I was able to see how we have grown and matured.I do not have to get it all done today and perfectly at that. He does not have to be aggravated at who I am or how I am and be immature in response to me. Together we have come to know its okay to be who we are as individuals, and to realize that together we are better than we are alone and to be team players in order to get where we are going.It is a blessing to see these things in the midst of chores. And life is kind of like that. The busyness and work of life is ever present. But what do we miss along the way that could give us joy? What lessons are right in front of us? What blessings do we overlook in the chaos? My prayer is that as we go back to the work place, that we are able to remember some of what we had time to see on staycation.
After the chores and "have-to's" we moved onto seeing our kids visiting from Portland and our friends,whom we rarely see because of Rays work schedule and long hours and fatigue.
Blessings. Abundance of Heart .Laughter. Comfort. Hopes and Dreams.
There is no love like a parents love for their children. To be able to spend time together when you have been separated is like no other time. You wish you could freeze moments and pull them out at anytime for an extra dose of love on a bad day. Instead you treasure them and breathe them in slowly to not miss a single second.As a parent to see your adult children re-united and carrying on as they always have, is both rewarding and refreshing. My kids enjoy one another and the craziness of their laughter and ridiculous names they have for one another, make my heart smile so wide. It takes me back to days gone by, of best friends and siblings, co-existing in the rooms of our home.It reminds me of the speech I gave them as young children, that one day daddy and I would be gone, and they would have friends and spouses, but they alone are sister and brother and to not take it lightly nor for granted.Of the legacy God has given to Ray and I, through these amazing people He created in my womb. I am truly humbled by Gods grace and faithfulness to us and our family.In the midst of these emotions and recollections, I am aware of my Fathers love towards me. It is beyond imagining because I love my children so deeply. Yet I know His is the perfect love and beyond all we can think or imagine.Another lesson in the daily school of life and staycation..
I have always heard that "if you have a handful of friends, you are blessed".It is true. As a young person and teenager I was pretty outgoing and prided myself on having lots of friends. Even as a young couple, Ray and I had a lot of people to hang out with and have fun with . Friends. As time went on and life had its ups and downs, and maybe life wasn't all we thought or hoped it would be, how funny the drop off of friends.Due to LIFE, perhaps we were not as fun as we once were. Or perhaps we had some challenges from our past we needed to address and were not so perfect as we once appeared. I mean we never were. That was a cover-up anyway.The bottom line is, I really began to assess what a friend was, and what being a friend was. We now have some wonderful friends. I have two very good friends in Heaven whom I cannot wait to be re-united with.Our friends these days know exactly who we are, and what our quirks or struggles are and they love and support us just the same.They are patient with horrible working hours and dozing eyes from sleepiness.They are understanding or at least accepting of someone with many wounds and scars like me.They are loved and appreciated by us. So as in all things looked at today, the old saying has merit. We are blessed.It is not the number of friends one has, but the blessedness of the friendship."Thank you for being a friend".
Lastly, I would like to talk about the refreshment of being in Gods Word and presence, with no time constraints.This was the most rewarding and renewing of staycations benefits. Prayer, worship, reading and fellowship whenever. No schedules or timelines.Free to hear and be heard.So awesome to sit in His presence and be still and know that He is God.To be filled with so much gratitude that the lump in your throat barely moves.To be at peace in a world that makes no sense.To come to Him with a prayer list knowing He cares for you and those you care for. To recognize His faithfulness and grace abounds.
All of this amidst the same struggles and seemingly unanswered prayers.Mandy still has no contracted job. But she has a job.Mocha has some presenting health issues.But she is still wagging her tail and happy and has none of the symptoms they say she should have.Ray and I are nearing retirement and have many questions and few answers at this point.I have a year until my 40th Wedding Anniversary and I had a weight I was heading for. I'm still heading there but not where I'd hoped I'd be by now. Still struggling.But I know Who I am in this journey with and the countless promises He makes towards His own are mine. No matter what the situation or feeling ,it is my responsibility and privilege to lay it down at His throne. Sometimes its hard,but it gets easier.As I cried every time I looked into Mocha's eyes last week, I had to let her go. I told my Father in Heaven, I knew He had given her to us and He knows how much we love her. Then I said Lord I put Mocha in Your Hands. I have had peace since then and only the start of the feeling of a tear welling up.Instead of going with the sad, I go with the visual of my beautiful big chocolate Lab in the palm of my Heavenly Father's Hands.
I told Ray the other day, that although we have not traveled far and wide, or eaten exotic foods or even done what some consider customary for vacation...I feel so blessed and adventurous.As God allows me to sink more into Him ,I see so much open up before the eyes of my spirit.I want to go back and visit the places of refreshment, renewal and hope. He truly is My Hiding Place.Staycation or not.
Setting out on staycation, we certainly had things in mind to do and to accomplish. We were able to do both.
Getting things done around your home that you put off during the work week and weekends, feels tremendously good to me.I am detail oriented by nature, and a re-covering perfectionist (LOL) and so I just have to get to things eventually. Ray may not exactly feel this way, but he does hop on board every year and together we accomplish what has previously been ignored. Because we are aging I count on that help and togetherness much more than when I was young and "could do it myself". The benefits of a long and lasting love affair and marriage are countless. You started off young,knowing everything, and in a hurry to get on with life.As life moved on, you became aware of how little you knew, and how that helpmate just might know some things you not only didn't know ,but never cared to know.It takes place on both sides of the relationship and you begin to amass more knowledge, respect, wisdom and love. I can sit for hours and listen to my husband talk. For years, he was quiet and by some measuring sticks he still may be, but when its just he and I the conversation flows.I love it that it does. It speaks volumes to me of years for both of us, where we were neither seen , heard or valued. But God in His great mercy and wisdom saw us and directed us to one another to both love and heal one another.I neither saw this possibility nor imagined it as a young bride. As we worked on various chores during staycation, I was able to see how we have grown and matured.I do not have to get it all done today and perfectly at that. He does not have to be aggravated at who I am or how I am and be immature in response to me. Together we have come to know its okay to be who we are as individuals, and to realize that together we are better than we are alone and to be team players in order to get where we are going.It is a blessing to see these things in the midst of chores. And life is kind of like that. The busyness and work of life is ever present. But what do we miss along the way that could give us joy? What lessons are right in front of us? What blessings do we overlook in the chaos? My prayer is that as we go back to the work place, that we are able to remember some of what we had time to see on staycation.
After the chores and "have-to's" we moved onto seeing our kids visiting from Portland and our friends,whom we rarely see because of Rays work schedule and long hours and fatigue.
Blessings. Abundance of Heart .Laughter. Comfort. Hopes and Dreams.
There is no love like a parents love for their children. To be able to spend time together when you have been separated is like no other time. You wish you could freeze moments and pull them out at anytime for an extra dose of love on a bad day. Instead you treasure them and breathe them in slowly to not miss a single second.As a parent to see your adult children re-united and carrying on as they always have, is both rewarding and refreshing. My kids enjoy one another and the craziness of their laughter and ridiculous names they have for one another, make my heart smile so wide. It takes me back to days gone by, of best friends and siblings, co-existing in the rooms of our home.It reminds me of the speech I gave them as young children, that one day daddy and I would be gone, and they would have friends and spouses, but they alone are sister and brother and to not take it lightly nor for granted.Of the legacy God has given to Ray and I, through these amazing people He created in my womb. I am truly humbled by Gods grace and faithfulness to us and our family.In the midst of these emotions and recollections, I am aware of my Fathers love towards me. It is beyond imagining because I love my children so deeply. Yet I know His is the perfect love and beyond all we can think or imagine.Another lesson in the daily school of life and staycation..
I have always heard that "if you have a handful of friends, you are blessed".It is true. As a young person and teenager I was pretty outgoing and prided myself on having lots of friends. Even as a young couple, Ray and I had a lot of people to hang out with and have fun with . Friends. As time went on and life had its ups and downs, and maybe life wasn't all we thought or hoped it would be, how funny the drop off of friends.Due to LIFE, perhaps we were not as fun as we once were. Or perhaps we had some challenges from our past we needed to address and were not so perfect as we once appeared. I mean we never were. That was a cover-up anyway.The bottom line is, I really began to assess what a friend was, and what being a friend was. We now have some wonderful friends. I have two very good friends in Heaven whom I cannot wait to be re-united with.Our friends these days know exactly who we are, and what our quirks or struggles are and they love and support us just the same.They are patient with horrible working hours and dozing eyes from sleepiness.They are understanding or at least accepting of someone with many wounds and scars like me.They are loved and appreciated by us. So as in all things looked at today, the old saying has merit. We are blessed.It is not the number of friends one has, but the blessedness of the friendship."Thank you for being a friend".
Lastly, I would like to talk about the refreshment of being in Gods Word and presence, with no time constraints.This was the most rewarding and renewing of staycations benefits. Prayer, worship, reading and fellowship whenever. No schedules or timelines.Free to hear and be heard.So awesome to sit in His presence and be still and know that He is God.To be filled with so much gratitude that the lump in your throat barely moves.To be at peace in a world that makes no sense.To come to Him with a prayer list knowing He cares for you and those you care for. To recognize His faithfulness and grace abounds.
All of this amidst the same struggles and seemingly unanswered prayers.Mandy still has no contracted job. But she has a job.Mocha has some presenting health issues.But she is still wagging her tail and happy and has none of the symptoms they say she should have.Ray and I are nearing retirement and have many questions and few answers at this point.I have a year until my 40th Wedding Anniversary and I had a weight I was heading for. I'm still heading there but not where I'd hoped I'd be by now. Still struggling.But I know Who I am in this journey with and the countless promises He makes towards His own are mine. No matter what the situation or feeling ,it is my responsibility and privilege to lay it down at His throne. Sometimes its hard,but it gets easier.As I cried every time I looked into Mocha's eyes last week, I had to let her go. I told my Father in Heaven, I knew He had given her to us and He knows how much we love her. Then I said Lord I put Mocha in Your Hands. I have had peace since then and only the start of the feeling of a tear welling up.Instead of going with the sad, I go with the visual of my beautiful big chocolate Lab in the palm of my Heavenly Father's Hands.
I told Ray the other day, that although we have not traveled far and wide, or eaten exotic foods or even done what some consider customary for vacation...I feel so blessed and adventurous.As God allows me to sink more into Him ,I see so much open up before the eyes of my spirit.I want to go back and visit the places of refreshment, renewal and hope. He truly is My Hiding Place.Staycation or not.
Thursday, August 15, 2013
Jesus.Others.You.
So on this journey toward joy that I embarked upon this staycation, I am pleasantly surprised, although not shocked , at what I am discovering.
It is basically the same truth that I always discover when seeking truth. God has it. Me, not so much. My ways are not His ways.
Along my journey in life,as I have expressed before, I have seen and encountered and been affected by sin and its ravages at a pretty young age and beyond. It had a profound impact upon how I viewed life, people and God. It caused me to have internal dialogues with myself, and to make promises or covenants with myself based on those experiences. Some helped me to survive. Others, while helping me to survive, created things I would have to re-visit in life and with God's grace and help, they would need to be unraveled and be made new in my thought processes and in my choices and decisions in life.
One thing I have consistently found to be true is that the holy, perfect Father allows me to choose, explore, create and implement any and all solutions or answers to my questions or dilemmas along the way. But He is always within reach when I come to the end of me. Patiently waiting as a matter of fact I'm sure.As I have alluded to here often in my ramblings on My Hiding Place,Gods economy, way of looking at things, and His fix to most things are in direct opposition to mans answers.The longer I walk with Him and the more I listen to Him, and obey, the more I find this to be true.
As I began this journey toward joy, I knew in my Spirit, it would be His revelations that would make me trust that I was experiencing it or recognizing what it could be. However as a human being, I certainly wondered if I could imagine how it would translate into my "feeling" realm.I wasn't sure about that one. What I was sure about, and even gave a voice to it not being was an old Sunday school song called JOY. I told the Lord, I was so glad we were embarking on this journey together to find joy. How grateful I was ( that I just knew ) that old dumb song I heard at the age of 17, was definitely not the definition of joy.
Jesus
Others
You
I thought it a cute enough song, but kind of dumb and child like.After all, I was newly saved. What did I know about anything, except Jesus had forgiven me and made me new. The becoming new had just begun.
So here, I am, forty one years later, still walking on the road with Jesus.The becoming new has been progressing over these decades with Him. Of late, I have felt like I have been having an "Emmaus road" walk with my Savior. He is there . He is Who He has always been.He is ever the same. I am just seeing Him more clearly. I am hearing Him anew. I am experiencing what Luke wrote about in Luke 24:32 when he said of the men walking the road to Emmaus; "And they said to one another,"Did not our heart burn within us while He talked with us on the road, and while He opened the Scriptures to us?" Indeed I am feeling that way. More of Him. Less of me and my ideas of what I think He meant. More of me just taking His Word, and Him at His Word, and obeying, accepting, surrendering.
In light of that, I have learned in the first two weeks of August 2013, that indeed that simple song and the , acronym for JOY is not dumb, nor annoying, nor some sickeningly sweet way to try and convince ourselves to be "Christian" and be happy.It truly is the definition of joy, for the one who chooses to follow Jesus. As we put Him first, we become less invested in ourselves. We become more humble, loving and gentle. The agenda of our life is not ever upon us, but rather on Him and all He has planned and purposed for us.That in turn causes us to pray more for others, care more about the world around us spinning out of control and realize we hold the answer. It is simply Jesus. His Love. His Forgiveness. His Compassion.We are Him to this planet. His Hands and His Feet. I loved these concepts before. Perhaps I occasionally experienced being these things. I also believed "others" not me were the ones who could walk in this daily. I no longer buy into that.
The discovery of joy has been wonderful, and yet completely unexpected. It is not elusive or unattainable. It is not reserved for those who lean towards being jovial or fun in their nature. It is not a personality trait that I was not privy to. It resides deep within me as I cling to the Refuge of my soul.It is a gift of the Holy Spirit.
In a practical, life affirming type of validation, we saw our son from Portland and his wife over the weekend. Talk about joy! And happiness! And love! All of these things were present.
Monday morning as we shared a goodbye cup of coffee with Ryan, we had been speaking of many things. Retirement, living with less,knowing life is about relationships, especially one with Christ, not needing new toys or travels. He then very seriously conveyed this thought: " You are the happiest people I know, and you do not need, nor have much of what the world deems necessary to make one happy." That was received with thanksgiving and humility. If our children can see that in us, knowing us as they do, weaknesses and all...its definitely joy abiding.
It is basically the same truth that I always discover when seeking truth. God has it. Me, not so much. My ways are not His ways.
Along my journey in life,as I have expressed before, I have seen and encountered and been affected by sin and its ravages at a pretty young age and beyond. It had a profound impact upon how I viewed life, people and God. It caused me to have internal dialogues with myself, and to make promises or covenants with myself based on those experiences. Some helped me to survive. Others, while helping me to survive, created things I would have to re-visit in life and with God's grace and help, they would need to be unraveled and be made new in my thought processes and in my choices and decisions in life.
One thing I have consistently found to be true is that the holy, perfect Father allows me to choose, explore, create and implement any and all solutions or answers to my questions or dilemmas along the way. But He is always within reach when I come to the end of me. Patiently waiting as a matter of fact I'm sure.As I have alluded to here often in my ramblings on My Hiding Place,Gods economy, way of looking at things, and His fix to most things are in direct opposition to mans answers.The longer I walk with Him and the more I listen to Him, and obey, the more I find this to be true.
As I began this journey toward joy, I knew in my Spirit, it would be His revelations that would make me trust that I was experiencing it or recognizing what it could be. However as a human being, I certainly wondered if I could imagine how it would translate into my "feeling" realm.I wasn't sure about that one. What I was sure about, and even gave a voice to it not being was an old Sunday school song called JOY. I told the Lord, I was so glad we were embarking on this journey together to find joy. How grateful I was ( that I just knew ) that old dumb song I heard at the age of 17, was definitely not the definition of joy.
Jesus
Others
You
I thought it a cute enough song, but kind of dumb and child like.After all, I was newly saved. What did I know about anything, except Jesus had forgiven me and made me new. The becoming new had just begun.
So here, I am, forty one years later, still walking on the road with Jesus.The becoming new has been progressing over these decades with Him. Of late, I have felt like I have been having an "Emmaus road" walk with my Savior. He is there . He is Who He has always been.He is ever the same. I am just seeing Him more clearly. I am hearing Him anew. I am experiencing what Luke wrote about in Luke 24:32 when he said of the men walking the road to Emmaus; "And they said to one another,"Did not our heart burn within us while He talked with us on the road, and while He opened the Scriptures to us?" Indeed I am feeling that way. More of Him. Less of me and my ideas of what I think He meant. More of me just taking His Word, and Him at His Word, and obeying, accepting, surrendering.
In light of that, I have learned in the first two weeks of August 2013, that indeed that simple song and the , acronym for JOY is not dumb, nor annoying, nor some sickeningly sweet way to try and convince ourselves to be "Christian" and be happy.It truly is the definition of joy, for the one who chooses to follow Jesus. As we put Him first, we become less invested in ourselves. We become more humble, loving and gentle. The agenda of our life is not ever upon us, but rather on Him and all He has planned and purposed for us.That in turn causes us to pray more for others, care more about the world around us spinning out of control and realize we hold the answer. It is simply Jesus. His Love. His Forgiveness. His Compassion.We are Him to this planet. His Hands and His Feet. I loved these concepts before. Perhaps I occasionally experienced being these things. I also believed "others" not me were the ones who could walk in this daily. I no longer buy into that.
The discovery of joy has been wonderful, and yet completely unexpected. It is not elusive or unattainable. It is not reserved for those who lean towards being jovial or fun in their nature. It is not a personality trait that I was not privy to. It resides deep within me as I cling to the Refuge of my soul.It is a gift of the Holy Spirit.
In a practical, life affirming type of validation, we saw our son from Portland and his wife over the weekend. Talk about joy! And happiness! And love! All of these things were present.
Monday morning as we shared a goodbye cup of coffee with Ryan, we had been speaking of many things. Retirement, living with less,knowing life is about relationships, especially one with Christ, not needing new toys or travels. He then very seriously conveyed this thought: " You are the happiest people I know, and you do not need, nor have much of what the world deems necessary to make one happy." That was received with thanksgiving and humility. If our children can see that in us, knowing us as they do, weaknesses and all...its definitely joy abiding.
Wednesday, August 7, 2013
Truth : A Directive Toward Joy
On this journey toward discovering joy, I am re-discovering how true the Word of God is when He declares in Isaiah 55:8 the following; "For My thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways My ways, says the Lord". In fact ,what I am truly discovering is how polar opposite His ways and wisdom and guidance are from mans.
As I was spending some quiet time the other day with the Lord, I was presented with the thought that I was indeed a proud person and not humble, in some aspects of my experience of life and personality.
I knew it was the Holy Spirit whispering because this type of assessment was too real, too true for it to come out of my own heart. After all, haven't I always "prided" myself on being a humble person, and not a proud one? Exactly. Prided myself. All about me. I think I am a nice,loving,giving person and I very well might be. But Gods Word says this about my heart in Jeremiah 17:9 "The heart is deceitful above all things,and desperately wicked. Who can know it?" As I walk deeper and further in His presence,I continue to see that the way to become like my Lord, is to fully believe that He knows man and He came because we needed to be saved and rescued from ourselves.
Obviously as a Christian, I know I'm a sinner and I need forgiveness, cleansing,, New Life in Christ, a re-birth.But after all of that ,do I minute by minute, day by day embrace the fact that Gods Word is the bottom line for me? My thoughts, actions,character and life are to be formed and patterned after it. In theory, I absolutely do believe this. In the practice and living out of my life I often fall far short of it. But as I embrace what He came to rescue me from, and look to His Word and example as the way out of my natural failures, I am seeing that by His grace and direction, I too can become like Him.
In the quiet time as He spoke to me about being proud, it was such a revelation. As I said I felt I was a pretty humble person. His Spirit questioned Why then ,do you care about what people think of you? Why do you strive so to be understood and accepted? Why does it bother you and make you angry when people act as if they are better than you ? These things are rooted in your pride,child. I am humble and meek.Learn of Me.
It is of far greater impact when it meets you right where you live,than it is when you simply read it. Gods Word that is. I have read of Christ's humility and character often. I knew I wasn't exactly like Him,but I really thought I made a good effort at being humble.The effort then becomes "works" and my works are as dirty rags before Jesus. What I need is to be"transformed by the renewing of my mind" as Paul says in Romans 12:2. I get transformed by His Word becoming alive in me as I live out my life. This includes removing all my preconceived ideas about how and who I am.Or for that matter even,seeing myself as the central character.Paul says in Galatians 2:20 "I have been crucified with Christ,it is no longer I who live, but Christ lives in me; and the life that I now live in the body I live by faith (by adherence to and reliance on and complete trust in) the Son of God Who loved me and gave Himself up for me."
I have always spoken to my loved ones about how I see God as having a completely different economy than man.By that I mean that almost every answer or solution to mans problems that man comes up with, doesn't truly work. More often it creates other problems or diversions. If we look to Gods Word, it is complete. It has all the answers.As we accept that He knows all about us ,and all the ways to save, rescue and transform us, we can go forward in obedience, trusting Him to make us new. As we become new,we will become like Him and thus be equipped through the power of His Holy Spirit, to do all He asks of us as His disciples.
As a footnote to these thoughts on pride and humbleness, another of the songs on Audrey Assad's latest CD fit perfectly into these truths.I will be including them as a way of defining humble as it pertains to the character of our Lord,Jesus.
Humble and human, willing to bend You are
Fashioned of flesh and fire of life You are
Not too proud to wear our skin
To know this weary world we're in
Humble Humble Jesus
Humble in sorrow,You gladly carried Your cross
Never refusing Your life to the weakest of us
Not too proud to bear our sin
To feel this brokenness we're in
Humble Humble Jesus
We bow our knee
We must decrease
And You must increase
We lift You high
Humble in greatness
Born in the likeness of man
Name above all names
Holding our world in Your Hands
Not too proud to dwell with us
To live in us,to die for us
Humble Humble Jesus
We bow our knee
We must decrease
And You must increase
We lift You high
Humble You are
Make me humble
Like You
We lift You high
Obviously as a Christian, I know I'm a sinner and I need forgiveness, cleansing,, New Life in Christ, a re-birth.But after all of that ,do I minute by minute, day by day embrace the fact that Gods Word is the bottom line for me? My thoughts, actions,character and life are to be formed and patterned after it. In theory, I absolutely do believe this. In the practice and living out of my life I often fall far short of it. But as I embrace what He came to rescue me from, and look to His Word and example as the way out of my natural failures, I am seeing that by His grace and direction, I too can become like Him.
In the quiet time as He spoke to me about being proud, it was such a revelation. As I said I felt I was a pretty humble person. His Spirit questioned Why then ,do you care about what people think of you? Why do you strive so to be understood and accepted? Why does it bother you and make you angry when people act as if they are better than you ? These things are rooted in your pride,child. I am humble and meek.Learn of Me.
It is of far greater impact when it meets you right where you live,than it is when you simply read it. Gods Word that is. I have read of Christ's humility and character often. I knew I wasn't exactly like Him,but I really thought I made a good effort at being humble.The effort then becomes "works" and my works are as dirty rags before Jesus. What I need is to be"transformed by the renewing of my mind" as Paul says in Romans 12:2. I get transformed by His Word becoming alive in me as I live out my life. This includes removing all my preconceived ideas about how and who I am.Or for that matter even,seeing myself as the central character.Paul says in Galatians 2:20 "I have been crucified with Christ,it is no longer I who live, but Christ lives in me; and the life that I now live in the body I live by faith (by adherence to and reliance on and complete trust in) the Son of God Who loved me and gave Himself up for me."
I have always spoken to my loved ones about how I see God as having a completely different economy than man.By that I mean that almost every answer or solution to mans problems that man comes up with, doesn't truly work. More often it creates other problems or diversions. If we look to Gods Word, it is complete. It has all the answers.As we accept that He knows all about us ,and all the ways to save, rescue and transform us, we can go forward in obedience, trusting Him to make us new. As we become new,we will become like Him and thus be equipped through the power of His Holy Spirit, to do all He asks of us as His disciples.
As a footnote to these thoughts on pride and humbleness, another of the songs on Audrey Assad's latest CD fit perfectly into these truths.I will be including them as a way of defining humble as it pertains to the character of our Lord,Jesus.
Humble and human, willing to bend You are
Fashioned of flesh and fire of life You are
Not too proud to wear our skin
To know this weary world we're in
Humble Humble Jesus
Humble in sorrow,You gladly carried Your cross
Never refusing Your life to the weakest of us
Not too proud to bear our sin
To feel this brokenness we're in
Humble Humble Jesus
We bow our knee
We must decrease
And You must increase
We lift You high
Humble in greatness
Born in the likeness of man
Name above all names
Holding our world in Your Hands
Not too proud to dwell with us
To live in us,to die for us
Humble Humble Jesus
We bow our knee
We must decrease
And You must increase
We lift You high
Humble You are
Make me humble
Like You
We lift You high
Sunday, August 4, 2013
Joy Unfolding
The journey toward joy continues. Yesterday, after making a concerted effort, along with my Love, to embrace this time as a time of renewal and examination, we came face to face with the wiles of the devil. He comes only to "kill, steal, and destroy". Unfortunately, we fell for a time, to his deception and lies. You know, how in the real world he makes us think we are frustrated, hurt by or otherwise bothered by those we would normally give our lives breath for...that kind of lie. That nonsense continued far longer than I'd hoped for, but ultimately we all "saw" really what was happening. We confessed and apologized and asked for forgiveness...for joining in a game that should never have been played.
We truly are like dumb sheep. We desperately need Our Shepherd.
So, prior to the onslaught, I had been poring over the lyrics to a new song by Audrey Assad. They have haunted my soul since I first heard them. This is my hearts cry on this journey toward joy.
From the love of my own comfort
From a fear of having nothing
From a life of worldly passions
Deliver me, Oh God
From a need to be understood
From a need to be accepted
From the fear of being lonely
Deliver me, Oh God
Deliver me, Oh God
And I shall not want
No, I shall not want
When I taste Your goodness
I shall not want
From a fear of serving others
Oh from the fear of death or trial
And from a fear of humility
Deliver me, Oh God
Yes, deliver me, Oh God
When I read these words and hear the melody to this song, I feel so real inside as I worship my God.
All these words are true, and I have yet to master my position in both being delivered and not wanting.
But what I know is that Paul spoke Gods very words when he wrote in Philippians 1:6 "And I am convinced,and sure of this very thing, that He Who began a good work in you will continue until the day of Jesus Christ (right up to the time of His return) developing that good work and perfecting it and bringing it to full completion in you."
It is with that hope and assurance that I go forward each day in Him. Sometimes running with anticipation, other days carried by His grace alone.
All along the way, I am ever in His Hand. He knows the end from the beginning. He holds all things together by His Word. He makes all things work together for my good.
It is a journey. A walk with Him. Each walk starts with single steps.One foot in front of the other, one step at a time. He is my Guide. "Your Word is a lamp to my feet and a light to my path." Psalm 119:105
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