One year ago today I posted a JJ Heller song and wrote a
post celebrating my son's birthday. Here we are again getting ready to
celebrate his 30th birthday! And as God would have it, I have a new song by JJ
Heller that matches what God has been doing in my heart of late. It
completely captures what I have learned in the last year, being separated from
Ryan and Brenda, due to their re-location to Portland, and how that has been
used by God to grow me to be more like Him and to choose love, above everything
else.
Paul writes in 1Corinthians 13: 4-8, the
following. "Love endures
long and is patient and kind; love never is envious nor boils over with
jealousy, is not boastful or vainglorious,does not display itself haughtily. It
is not conceited (arrogant and inflated with pride); it is not rude(unmannerly)
and does not act unbecomingly. Love(God's love in us) does not insist on its
own rights or its own way,for it is not self seeking; it is not touchy or
fretful or resentful; it takes no account of the evil done to it(it pays no
attention to a suffered wrong). It does not rejoice at injustice and
unrighteousness, but rejoices when right and truth prevail.Love bears up under
anything and everything that comes, is ever ready to believe the best of every
person,its hopes are fadeless under all circumstances, and it endures
everything(without weakening). Love never fails(never fades out or becomes
obsolete or comes to an end).
Clearly as one reads this definition of
Love, it seems overwhelming to grasp the depth of it and impossible to imagine
doing it. Or better yet, lets make this personal and make I statements. I love what
it says. I would love to love this way. I am a human being, a sinner saved
by God's grace and I have a better chance of doing the exact opposite of all of
these than I do, of actually loving like this. BUT GOD!
It is because of what God's grace has done in my heart and life that I desire to love this way.It is because of the forgiveness of my transgressions and continual failures, that I am able to fathom love like this. It is because of the continued efforts and drawings of the Holy Spirit's work in my life that I even consider choosing to love in this manner. And that, combined with the God given gift of love that a parent has for her child,that has made me able to desire this choice.
This past year has been difficult at times, and an adjustment of the heart and mind at all times.Transformation is a better word choice. I can adapt and adjust all day long, but it is only by God's transforming power and my surrender to His will that I can truly have any measure of success. Philippians 4:13 states " I have strength for all things in Christ Who empowers me (I am ready for anything and equal to anything through Him Who infuses inner strength into me;I am self sufficient in Christ's sufficiency). It is only through Him that I can do this thing of choosing love.
My mothers heart misses all that I hoped we would share. My mothers heart yearns to have more time, and quality time together, because I know time flies by and we will never pass this way again.My mothers heart had a vision of what would be and this was never part of it.My mothers heart has felt broken too many times to count and tears have been my continual companion.The enemy has come often to "kill , steal and destroy" as he paints ugly tales that trigger my emotions from years of loss, abandonment and abuse.
However in the midst of all the loneliness, what if's and trying desperately to harden my heart and "not care" to mask the pain...the love that I feel and have felt for my child for 30 years and nine months prior to his birth,floods over me and reminds me I am a mother. The job description from the beginning is one of a host or servant.
Initially I am there to provide the womb in which this being can grow; providing nourishment,protection and the breath of life as deemed by our Creator, in the miracle of pregnancy. As labor and delivery approach I again determine to do what is best for this my child. I buckle down and do the work it takes to bring him safely and lovingly into this world and my waiting arms, no matter how long or difficult the process, and despite the pain. Upon first meeting him, outside my body, and now warm and full in my arms, I look
into his innocence and determine to do all I can,always, to show him I love him and to be who I am called to be in his life. His mother.
So it is from the beginning; this relationship of chosen in equality. Although we are both independent beings, the ties that bind us are forever fused in this,my mothers heart. There is nothing I can do to stop it and praise God, even if I could, I would choose not to.
In just the tiniest way, here in my flesh, I get to experience a dot and shadow of the outstanding measure of the love of God. Together with His help and grace and creative powers I get to mirror His love to both myself and my child.I get to give unselfishly, to place his needs above and beyond my own, to be committed in ways unimagineable, and to forever choose love, whatever and however that may play itself out. No matter how it feels. This kind of love is not based on feelings. It is a choice.
So on we go, my boy and I. His journey has taken him beyond my arms reach on this his 30th birthday. It is with a grateful heart that I reflect on his birth, his childhood and his growing into manhood. He has always held me captive with his deep brown eyes and in them I see a part of me that I never saw in anyone else. We are family. He is bone of my bone and flesh of my flesh.
I will choose love. I will set the standard based on Gods Word and definition, not my up and down feelings,reactions or responses. Not on my dreams or expectations interrupted or unfulfilled. I can choose the higher ground. I can choose the model of my Savior, who came to show us His Fathers Way of love.
JJ Heller's lyrics paint a beautiful picture of both Gods love towards us and His model for us to emulate to those we love.We can be this and do this by His grace and redemptive power. We can do this by submitting and surrendering. We can do this by choosing love.
So today I say to my son, my boy. Happy Thirtieth Birthday!
"If you fall, I fall with you. If you hurt I feel it too. Even if my heart turns black and blue.
I will love you.
My mothers heart misses all that I hoped we would share. My mothers heart yearns to have more time, and quality time together, because I know time flies by and we will never pass this way again.My mothers heart had a vision of what would be and this was never part of it.My mothers heart has felt broken too many times to count and tears have been my continual companion.The enemy has come often to "kill , steal and destroy" as he paints ugly tales that trigger my emotions from years of loss, abandonment and abuse.
However in the midst of all the loneliness, what if's and trying desperately to harden my heart and "not care" to mask the pain...the love that I feel and have felt for my child for 30 years and nine months prior to his birth,floods over me and reminds me I am a mother. The job description from the beginning is one of a host or servant.
Initially I am there to provide the womb in which this being can grow; providing nourishment,protection and the breath of life as deemed by our Creator, in the miracle of pregnancy. As labor and delivery approach I again determine to do what is best for this my child. I buckle down and do the work it takes to bring him safely and lovingly into this world and my waiting arms, no matter how long or difficult the process, and despite the pain. Upon first meeting him, outside my body, and now warm and full in my arms, I look
into his innocence and determine to do all I can,always, to show him I love him and to be who I am called to be in his life. His mother.
So it is from the beginning; this relationship of chosen in equality. Although we are both independent beings, the ties that bind us are forever fused in this,my mothers heart. There is nothing I can do to stop it and praise God, even if I could, I would choose not to.
In just the tiniest way, here in my flesh, I get to experience a dot and shadow of the outstanding measure of the love of God. Together with His help and grace and creative powers I get to mirror His love to both myself and my child.I get to give unselfishly, to place his needs above and beyond my own, to be committed in ways unimagineable, and to forever choose love, whatever and however that may play itself out. No matter how it feels. This kind of love is not based on feelings. It is a choice.
So on we go, my boy and I. His journey has taken him beyond my arms reach on this his 30th birthday. It is with a grateful heart that I reflect on his birth, his childhood and his growing into manhood. He has always held me captive with his deep brown eyes and in them I see a part of me that I never saw in anyone else. We are family. He is bone of my bone and flesh of my flesh.
I will choose love. I will set the standard based on Gods Word and definition, not my up and down feelings,reactions or responses. Not on my dreams or expectations interrupted or unfulfilled. I can choose the higher ground. I can choose the model of my Savior, who came to show us His Fathers Way of love.
JJ Heller's lyrics paint a beautiful picture of both Gods love towards us and His model for us to emulate to those we love.We can be this and do this by His grace and redemptive power. We can do this by submitting and surrendering. We can do this by choosing love.
So today I say to my son, my boy. Happy Thirtieth Birthday!
"If you fall, I fall with you. If you hurt I feel it too. Even if my heart turns black and blue.
I will love you.
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