Joy. A Place Unknown.

So today is the first day of August and the first day of" staycation" for Ray and I. We both decided the very first day would be a day of absolutely no commitment to anything except savoring the concept of vacation.

For both of us ,that idea is a unique and different reality.

Ray's first thing after breakfast and coffee was saying, "it's a nice cool day, perfect to clean up the cars." Although this would not be relaxing to everyone or seen as "doing nothing", it has always been one of his go to things since before I married him. There is something about a nice clean car he likes and the work involved is a form of relaxation to him. I remember asking him after we were married, what he did the morning of our wedding day. I should have known. Of course, he washed his car.

I have spent my morning "organizing" in my mind what I need or want to accomplish this first week before my kids come from Portland next weekend.At the same time I was able to listen to some new music by Audrey Assad from her new CD "Fortunate Fall."

As always her music speaks to me in a very personal way.The thrust of this CD seems to be embracing our humanity,our weaknesses and sin, while at the same time celebrating our Father Gods plan to send a Savior, wherein we would find both salvation and purpose.

As I listened to the lyrics and beautiful melodies, I found that I look at it all wrong. Audrey was singing of our broken humanity, while celebrating all that we have in Christ,despite our sin,our pain, our circumstances.The joy inherent in the relationship and hope.

Over the past month or so I have realized that although I am a person who knows and lives within the "peace that passes understanding", I am not a very joyful person.

I often attributed this to my depravity and exposure to evil at a very young age.

As I walk with the Lord, and age, I realize I want to experience joy. Not happiness which is fleeting , and often circumstantially based. I have known that throughout my life. NO! I want to know joy.

I have seen over the years that satans road to my destruction is despair. I have lived with that emotion and reality throughout most of my life. It arises within, whenever the familiar winds of loss or sadness or disappointment loom around me. It is a constant battle,and one I have waged fairly successfully because of Gods grace and faithfulness.  BUT.

I want to know joy.

This" staycation" is going to be a journey towards joy. I know that joy is a gift of the Holy Spirit, so therefore I know it is mine. I just have not found it yet, nor unwrapped it.

Here's to gifts unknown and unwrapped. Here's to a journey of finding something I felt I'd never know. Here's to a trip paid for by my Savior's blood and love. Here's to the open arms and heart of that little one within me.

Let Go and Let God.