" And become useful and helpful and kind to one another, tenderhearted, compassionate, understanding, loving-hearted ;forgiving one another readily and freely as God in Christ forgave you." Ephesians 4 : 32
As I read this Scripture I was clobbered over the head by the phrase "readily and freely" as it pertained to forgiveness. As one who has had to forgive much,as well as be forgiven much I thought I had a pretty good handle on this.Or at best I certainly strive to be in that position. However, upon reading this verse, those words "readily and freely" stood out like a billboard. And then just as God intends His Word to do ... it pierced my heart. "It is sharper than any two edged sword, penetrating to the dividing line of the breath of life, the soul, and the immortal spirit and of joints and marrow,of the deepest parts of our nature ,exposing and sifting and analyzing and judging the very thoughts and purposes of the heart." ( Hebrews 4 : 12 )
My intention is to follow Jesus and obey His Word. My ability to accomplish this is hampered by my flesh. I am forever grateful that God sees our hearts and remembers we are man. I have labored to be one who forgives.Not because I do not want to.I believe in forgiveness so deeply. And I have forgiven much throughout my life. The problem comes when the action needed to be forgiven takes me to the place emotionally where I have been deeply wounded or "scarred" before. I believe I have forgiven.I want to. I ask God to help me . But the pain of the past keeps reminding me of how much I don't want to feel this again. So it keeps coming back.Not continuously and unrelentingly.That would be too obvious and easy to deal with.It is subtle and sneaks up from behind you when you're already on with your day and forgotten. It comes at bedtime as you lay there alone...just you and your heart and the Lord. Or on the dark,early morning drive to work when you're trying to start the day out right by surrendering your day and your will to Gods purpose. Out of seemingly nowhere it shows up wanting to take residence in my emotions and destroy me once again. "For that enemy of yours,the devil, roams around like a lion roaring in fierce hunger seeking someone to seize upon and devour." 1 Peter 5 : 8 b
As I see the pitfalls of forgiveness for me more clearly I will be able, by the grace of God and the power of the Holy Spirit, to recover more quickly,to fight the good fight and be a more obedient child of God.
On a completely human and emotional level,prior to God bringing more Scripture to my heart and mind, I was captivated by those words "readily and freely" because of three very important people in my life. My husband Ray, my daughter Mandy, and my son Ryan. They have lived with me and my brokenness and pain. They have been both blessed by the loving, compassionate heart I feel towards them and wounded by the "pain of my history" that sometimes leaks out into very normal moments of life as they see it; but upon which I have no "normal" frame of reference. The price was never theirs to pay for the "cloak of shame and pain" I wear as a survivor of abuse.They paid it by choosing to love me and by Gods sovereign Hand upon their lives as well.
The forgiveness they have offered me has been "readily and freely". When I overreact because I love them and start to feel abandoned or not remembered or cherished;They forgive. When I leave a room to gather my feelings or stop the tears from flowing,they may become annoyed, but ultimately they forgive. When they hear me say things I would never say to anyone else because I'm the "nice,Christian lady",they forgive. When I come to them ,humbly and contrite of spirit,owning my failings and sin,they forgive. AGAIN.
I want to be more like them,my beloved family. I want to forgive,readily and freely. I love them with words I cannot find. I love them with emotions captured only by endless tears. I thank my God who made them "mine" on this earth. My first family.The only family I've ever known or had. Because of that blessing to me,it has probably seemed like a curse for them at times.But they have carried it in ways that I know very little of because they have been readily and freely forgiving me.Always.
So enters the raising of your own children, which I know was easier for you to teach them good things and cherished them plenty to share love with them. You raised them opposite of how you were raised. God took you under His wing and led you to Ray and then Blessed you with Mandy and Ryan. Forgiveness sometimes is not easy, yet, it seems to be much easier when we give or get it from those close to our hearts. Thank you I loved this also:)
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