Food...For Thought

I have struggled with Eating Disorders all of my life, or so it seems. I realized when I was in counseling for years with my Christian therapist that it began long before I was even aware of it.

It is almost as if it was a guarantee based on my background and circumstances of life. Having been sexually abused at a very young age and continuing into my earliest teens, I already had a lot going on at an unconscious level. It took awhile for me to understand and sort this out. This set into motion thought patterns and habits that became my way of life. I called them "good days" or "bad days". Who could have imagined they would run into decades of my life?

Upon further examination though, with the help of my counselor, I came to realize that this also began as a result of the neglect, deprivation, torture and basic inhumane treatment I was given in a foster home. Being away from one's parents, despite their abuses and inability to parent, puts a  whole other spin on things. One now feels abandoned, discarded, not wanted or valued, thrown away like garbage, replaceable. Unfortunately for me, along with the war already raging internally and emotionally, I had really disturbed foster care providers who felt it their obligation and somewhat misplaced or misunderstood joy, to remind me continuously....that I was not wanted.

In the 1960's there was a song that said the words, "How much is that doggie in the window?" It went on saying they hoped that the dog was for sale and could be theirs. In the evil and twisted words of the "mother" foster care provider, she would sing it to me. She then would say that those doggies were better than me because someone at least wanted them. No one wants you. The doggies would get homes. I was here because I had no home. I'm sure it made me sad then. I don't really remember. I was trying so hard to survive. What I do know is I have never forgotten the tune or words to that song. I have never walked by a pet store window or pet adoption cage and not only seen the doggies, kitties whatever...but thought of myself...the one who had less of a chance than a puppy of being wanted.

In line with the above type of total disregard for the emotional well being of a child, we basically were not fed.We had no choice in the matter.Every decision made for me was made by someone else.The food was placed in front of us...strictly portioned out and if you liked it, eat it and if you hated it, eat it too.If you were still hungry too bad.Asking for what one needed or wanted was not permitted. There were times my sister was made to sit five hours after a meal of "chili beans" were placed in front of her. She detested them and gagged throughout the whole meal but she HAD to eat them.Then we would be up all night as she then would vomit all night.And get screamed at the whole time. Although this was my little sisters experience I wore it as my own. I could not stop them from hurting her.It makes me cry as I write this today.It was nothing less than torture.

I hope this does not read in as much of a rambling way as it feels. In setting the tone for my issues with food, this is another of the scenarios. Another "favorite" meal they gave us was in our lunches. "Tomato jelly" sandwiches. No peanut butter to mask the awful taste of tomato jelly. It was simply disgusting. I cannot imagine it was a real food. They never ate it. It seemed like it was just for "us." All of this to say this did not promote a healthy relationship with food at a young age.We were either being tortured with food that made us sick or deprived of food in both quantity, or choices that may have set up a better understanding that food is a fuel needed for survival, not a tool to inflict pain.This food game was only one of many in the House of Horrors we called home.

In my understanding now, I see this was all done to a child, who already had lots of issues.The layers of dysfunction were being formed. The groundwork for my long struggle with anorexia/bulimia/obesity had begun.

Fast forward this existence nine years.Out of nowhere ,my mother comes from California and "reclaims" us.In a twenty four hour period,we are removed from our foster home of nine years and flown to Southern California to be with a woman who abandoned us nine years earlier. This alone could throw a normal, grounded child into turmoil...however I was not that child.  Here I was now with a whole new set of rules and new abuses. My mother was an alcoholic, a survivor of sexual abuse, a sex addict and most probably someone who suffered with  Borderline Personality Disorder. In sum total I lived less than seven or eight years of my life with her. I did not know her. I know only what she did  and how she acted towards me. There is a difference.

My mother was quite vain. She thought she was the measure of an attractive woman I guess. This came out in her judgments of others clothing, hair, makeup,WEIGHT.  It did not matter that I was her child. I was just another "female" that did not measure up. From the time she came and got us when I was 14 until I left home at 16, I was never good enough. Why wasn't I more like so and so? Why did I not eat this instead of that? My boyfriends really wanted to date her not me but they settled for me. Craziness, personified. It was due to a lot of this that I began to diet continuously.That led to starving...then gaining weight...then binging and purging...then gaining weight...then starving. The cycle.

All of this to say this. I still struggle to this day. I now have a clearer understanding of WHY I do. I also have an understanding of the role food should play in my life. That it's NOT a sin to need food.God created us with bodies who need food as a fuel source.The sinfulness comes in when I allow it to be used as a mood altering substance or remove it completely from myself as if I know better than God,the Creator.

I have just celebrated my first year on Weight Watchers. I have lost seventy pounds.It is great in some ways.In other ways it's not enough.I had a goal of one hundred pounds the first year or so.Obviously in my mind I have failed...again. The last six weeks I have been lost.I went three weeks losing NOTHING ..staying completely on plan.The past three weeks I stayed pretty close to plan and then messed up a bit on the weekends. In praying about this,God led me to these Scriptures. 2 Corinthians 10: 4 and 5 and Hebrews12:1.

They both speak about  taking captive our thoughts,   our actions, and our struggles to the obedience of Christ.In particular Hebrews  says "Let us strip off and throw aside every encumbrance,unnecessary weight,and that sin which so readily,deftly and cleverly clings to and entangles us and let us run with patient endurance and steady and active persistence the appointed course of the race that is set before us". This came at a much needed time for me.I was beginning the "hating" of myself again because I had not performed according to my expectation.I had my own thoughts running and not Gods Word. I fell victim to my own judgments and harsh criticisms; most of which I don't really believe.I just replay the tapes from the past.They are someone else's thoughts and not mine to own. I want to choose what I think,stand for,believe in and act upon.And most of all I want these to be based upon my Fathers Word because He is Truth,personified and  He "knows the thoughts  I think toward you,says the Lord,thoughts of peace and not of evil to give you a future and a hope." (Jeremiah 29:11)

So I will continue on the journey. I share any and all of this to help others as well as myself. Being Spirit, Soul and Body means there is healing on all levels taking place within me.My God is an equal opportunity Healer. I know that what He has done and continues to do in and for me ,He will do for any who call upon His Name.