A Visit in the Night

When I first heard this song the other day I was so glad a Christian artist had attempted to not only address it, the subject of sexual abuse, but to capture it so accurately. As a survivor of incest and other sexual abuse, I had no clue that survivors felt so much of the same things until I was blessed enough to become part of a women's group years ago. During that time I found some wonderful healing, information that helped me untangle a lot of my own confusion and many friendships.One in particular really helped me grow. We shared a lot of pain and sadness and lost dreams and we were able to sit in silence together, feeling comforted by our shared losses and our understanding of one another's heartache. She was about 20 years older than me and the Lord called her home several years ago. Her name was Pattie and I cannot wait to see her again in Heaven.

So many have very little understanding of the destruction to the survivor's soul, including the survivor themselves. For years I walked around compromised in every area of my life but I had no clue.  As a teen, I had teachers directly ask me if I was being abused or had been sexually violated. I would say no. I had PTSD and traumatic amnesia. I cannot remember most of my life; however the rash that covered my body as a little girl, the bed wetting, the thumb sucking until ten, the eating disorders that came later, the promiscuity, and feeling like I was merely a BODY began to tell a tale to me. I had night terrors and sleepless nights.  I was unable to and unwilling to take my glasses off at night to sleep until I was in my 30s. When my husband asked me once why I was wearing glasses to bed, I answered him plainly. "So I can see what's gonna happen to me." He was puzzled. I felt completely justified in my answer but I wasn't sure why.

At 30 years old, I began to have flashbacks. I became depressed and suicidal. One day I locked my four year old and two year old out of my bedroom. Ryan was banging on the door and yelling, "Mama, Mama," repeatedly. I can still hear it as if it were yesterday. My kids were not used to being ignored or abandoned by me. I can only imagine the fear his little heart must have felt. And knowing my precious Mandy, she probably comforted him, while being terrified herself inside. In one moment of clarity,or lets be honest, a moment of grace, I realized I was in trouble and needed help. I called a Christian counseling center that day and made an appointment. I thank God for that moment. It probably saved my life again, my marriage, my ability to parent my children. Mostly it allowed me to stop lying to myself and pretending nothing was wrong.

Despite my conversion to Christ, and my prayer life, my reading the Word and going to church...still I was dying inside. I tried so hard. I did not know what was wrong. I would tell God, I know there's something wrong with me, Lord. I would beg forgiveness for the "dirty and the bad" I felt was just a part of me. As dreams and nightmares and other things began to unravel the dirty little secret, an amazing spiritual thing happened as well.

Without giving all the details let me just say this. My husband woke up in the middle of the night to me laying face down on the  floor. He said he was awakened by a loud noise. I then told him," Father God was here. His voice is like thunder and His Light is so bright I could not look towards Him. He told me He was with me then and now. He has been with me always and yes, the person I thought had been abusing me was indeed the person. And then he said He would always be a Father to me."

This was real. This was powerful . This was life changing. It was enough to start breaking the chains I did not know held me captive.

 This initial abuse set me up for further instances that I did recall and remember. But the original violation was done by someone I loved and trusted and treasured probably above all others. Therein lies the difficulty. And the shame. And the denial. However, as difficult as it was at times, the freedom that I gained as I faced the real truths of my life, I began to heal  in ways I could only imagine before. And when it was unbearable or unimaginable or the abuse was down right lied about and denied,  I had the Spirit of the Living God letting me know it was okay because He was there. He had assured me of that. He stepped up for me when He knew my caretakers, when confronted with the truth, would lie, deny and blame others, especially me, the child. He did a supernatural thing in order to comfort the little girl inside of me who was believing she was crazy and wished she could die. Father God stepped in and said "Live".


To this day as I recall that moment, I am humbled by God's interaction with my searching  soul. He cared enough to step in and because no one else told the truth, He did an amazing feat in an unusual way in order to make it safe for me. He stepped into my world literally, supernaturally to rescue me from the lies satan meant for my destruction. 


This was a supernatural intervention. I needed something to begin to heal and God provided it in a very assuring way.My traumatized mind could not remember,while at the same time it could not forget. Father God came and made a way for me to move forward. Healing had begun. The Broken Girl had one solid thing to stand upon; the word of her Father.


"God is not a man,that He should tell or act a lie." Numbers 23:19