I viewed this video a few weeks ago.It impacted me on many levels. The song and music are very soothing to my soul. It is my hearts cry at a level I am not completely aware of except to say that I am...if that makes sense.
The music as a backdrop to a tribute to Ruth Bell Graham is moving in and of itself. She was married for 60+ years to the worlds best known evangelist, Billy Graham. While he ministered around the world,she raised their children and was his helpmate. She wrote books and had her own ministry all the while being Billy Graham's wife.
Above and beyond that, her highest calling was in response to her Savior.He was her all in all as evidenced by her life, her families heartfelt recollections, her own writings and her life as she lived it.
As I watched this I was captivated by the love expressed for her by her husband and children.Simply, they knew their mother loved God and His Son Jesus. A lifetime spent observing her had convinced them of this. Billy spoke of the "reception" he imagined her arriving to in Heaven as she went Home.His broken heart rejoiced in this fact.
Beyond all the words of the family is the anthem of the song.."Give Me Jesus"...
As a wife and mother I can only imagine how often in her life, this was her hearts cry. During all the days and nights when her husband was not beside her...When loneliness or frustration might have been a close friend...While she brought the truth of Gods Word to her world , as her husband did to the world at large... "Give Me Jesus" ...three simple words that transformed her life and countless others because of her.
My hearts desire is to want Jesus more than anything or anyone else...and to be content in the places He's placed me. My life has not been one like Ruth Bell Graham's. I feel so unworthy even discussing her life and mine in the same sentence.EXCEPT for Jesus. He is the common thread in our existence.He died to redeem both of us.He gave us husbands and children to love and nurture.He had a plan for our lives.
She inspires me. She encourages me. She was a Godly woman, whom I pray I am becoming. She asked for Jesus in every corner of her life.It appears as if He was there with her by the evidence of her life.
"You can have all this world.... but give me Jesus."
Join me in experiencing this tribute to a Godly woman. The Bible says in Titus 2: 3-5 "..the older women likewise, that they may be reverent in behavior, not slanderers, not given to much wine,teachers of good things - that they may admonish the young women to love their husbands, to love their children, to be discreet, chaste, homemakers,good ,obedient to their own husbands, that the Word of God may not be blasphemed."
As we see her life, her writings, her legacy we see this Word alive in its directive. Thank you Ruth Graham, for your example and inspiration. I,for one, am touched and moved to see life differently through adopting this cry..."give me Jesus".
,
Tuesday, September 18, 2012
Monday, September 3, 2012
And. A Little Word With Great Implications.
We have been on a "staycation". It was wonderful to be off work and on a "normal" schedule for the past month. We relaxed and got a lot of jobs done around our home. We saw friends and hung out alone. We spent time with our kids and found out our son and daughter in love are moving to Portland, Oregon this upcoming week.
And. The little three letter word here in these lines I've written where everything becomes so very layered. The little word that connects so many different situations and feelings. The word that delivers a connection between one thought or action and another, although they can be completely unrelated or opposed in nature or feelings.
For example, we rested on vacation because we were on a totally different schedule and didn't HAVE to be anywhere except where we chose to be. By virtue of that non commitment, we were relaxed. On the other hand, we did tons of organizing, deep cleaning, and getting rid of stuff , which was actually a ton of work. Therefore relaxed and working hard co-existed in our lives. And.
We have been praying for years for our son and his wife that God would lead them and do in them what He wants to do to make them who He's called them to be. We knew they were interested in possibly living somewhere else before they totally settle down and raise a family...if they do.We knew Portland was a place that they have visited and loved. We knew this was a total possibility and probability and we are struggling in our hearts with it. And.
We are excited for them,and sad at our longing for them to be near. We are confident of Gods answered prayer and yet leery of carrying the cross He has set before us.We are joy filled at the beginnings this may offer them,and less joyous at the ending this represents in our proximity to them. We are peaceful because we believe our God hears us and answers our prayers, and every door they have walked near has blown open and yet there is a part of us that has a tummy ache because we know "goodbye" is looming ahead and that is a door we do not want to open. And.
Isaiah 43 : 2 says "When you pass through the waters, I will be with you. When you cross rivers, you will not drown. When you walk through fire , you will not be burned., nor will the flames hurt you."
God did not use the conjunction and in His Word, in the above verse, but He clearly understands the concept of opposing ideas.
It is indeed possible and probable that life will often present us with these kinds of dualities. He is not ignorant to the feelings we may have, but He is above and beyond those feelings. He is our Refuge and our Hiding Place. He offers us His peace and it is like no other comfort known to man. Beyond our understanding or imagining, yet able to fill us completely in the ways only our Creator would know.
For He states in His Word in Philippians 4: 6 and 7 the following ; " Do not fret or have any anxiety about anything, but in every circumstance and in everything, by prayer and petition (definite requests), with thanksgiving, continue to make your requests known to God. And God's peace (shall be yours, that tranquil state of a soul assured of its salvation through Christ and so fearing nothing from God and being content with its earthly lot of whatever sort that is), that peace which transcends all understanding shall garrison and mount guard over your hearts and minds in Jesus Christ."
It is in this season of all of our lives that we will walk in the reality of the word and. Our Father loves us and He has a plan for us and only He knows the days and seasons of each of our lives. May His will be done and may we glorify Him throughout this "adventure", as my beloved kids call this move.
And. The little three letter word here in these lines I've written where everything becomes so very layered. The little word that connects so many different situations and feelings. The word that delivers a connection between one thought or action and another, although they can be completely unrelated or opposed in nature or feelings.
For example, we rested on vacation because we were on a totally different schedule and didn't HAVE to be anywhere except where we chose to be. By virtue of that non commitment, we were relaxed. On the other hand, we did tons of organizing, deep cleaning, and getting rid of stuff , which was actually a ton of work. Therefore relaxed and working hard co-existed in our lives. And.
We have been praying for years for our son and his wife that God would lead them and do in them what He wants to do to make them who He's called them to be. We knew they were interested in possibly living somewhere else before they totally settle down and raise a family...if they do.We knew Portland was a place that they have visited and loved. We knew this was a total possibility and probability and we are struggling in our hearts with it. And.
We are excited for them,and sad at our longing for them to be near. We are confident of Gods answered prayer and yet leery of carrying the cross He has set before us.We are joy filled at the beginnings this may offer them,and less joyous at the ending this represents in our proximity to them. We are peaceful because we believe our God hears us and answers our prayers, and every door they have walked near has blown open and yet there is a part of us that has a tummy ache because we know "goodbye" is looming ahead and that is a door we do not want to open. And.
Isaiah 43 : 2 says "When you pass through the waters, I will be with you. When you cross rivers, you will not drown. When you walk through fire , you will not be burned., nor will the flames hurt you."
God did not use the conjunction and in His Word, in the above verse, but He clearly understands the concept of opposing ideas.
It is indeed possible and probable that life will often present us with these kinds of dualities. He is not ignorant to the feelings we may have, but He is above and beyond those feelings. He is our Refuge and our Hiding Place. He offers us His peace and it is like no other comfort known to man. Beyond our understanding or imagining, yet able to fill us completely in the ways only our Creator would know.
For He states in His Word in Philippians 4: 6 and 7 the following ; " Do not fret or have any anxiety about anything, but in every circumstance and in everything, by prayer and petition (definite requests), with thanksgiving, continue to make your requests known to God. And God's peace (shall be yours, that tranquil state of a soul assured of its salvation through Christ and so fearing nothing from God and being content with its earthly lot of whatever sort that is), that peace which transcends all understanding shall garrison and mount guard over your hearts and minds in Jesus Christ."
It is in this season of all of our lives that we will walk in the reality of the word and. Our Father loves us and He has a plan for us and only He knows the days and seasons of each of our lives. May His will be done and may we glorify Him throughout this "adventure", as my beloved kids call this move.
Thursday, August 16, 2012
Legacy Chapter One
It has been quite awhile since I have written. I have been thinking about it and wishing I could. I guess my daughter telling me I am a writer, and the definition of a "writer" I gleaned from Pinterest has convinced me that I am indeed someone who writes.
Prior to starting our "staycation",I was aware of the Holy Spirit working some things out in my spirit. At the time I was not totally clued in to what was going on ,just that something was. After years of communing with the Lord, I can see that just as in our earthly relationships, there are seasons of a deeper closeness, a knowing, a connectedness that is all encompassing, that transpires in our walk with our Father as well. It is evidence to me,that this indeed is a "relationship", not a religion or my faith or any other word that doesn't capture exactly what it is; a relationship.
It is because of that connection, that relationship, that I share here at My Hiding Place. My prayer and heartfelt desire, is that if just one someone, finds a word of encouragement or truth from Gods Word or even a kindred spirit in life and experience , then I will be accomplishing what I feel God has lead me to do in my writing . For so long I blinded myself to my own realities of the truth of my life. I wore shame as if it was my Sunday best. I agreed with everyone and people pleased, to be liked and accepted.I overlooked the abuses and swallowed every crumb thrown my direction. As if that were not enough,I then would sweep and vacuum every last crumb up ,as if I was the one created the mess or was in some way remotely responsible for it. In doing all of this I ignored and denied my own existence. I easily faded into the noise all around and became deaf to my own soul and spirit and my own inner voice.I made sure everyone else got what they needed while I slowly died inside.
As God began to show me, that He truly cared not only for me, but about all that He'd allowed in my childhood, I began to come to life in a new way. I had been born again for about 13 years but I was still living a lie.When I first got saved, I envisioned myself as a picket fence in need of repair and a good paint job. I saw Jesus as the Divine Painter and Handyman who would come along and straighten the boards,remove the rotten nails,and put on the shiny,perfect, snow white colored paint. He indeed comes to transform us.He indeed saves us completely by His Blood and His Grace. But salvation and sanctification are completely different. Or they were for me at least.
Paul says in Ephesians 2:8 "For it is by free grace (God's unmerited favor) that you are saved (delivered from judgement and made partakers of Christ's salvation) through your faith. And this salvation is not of yourselves (of your own doing, it came not through your own striving) but it is the gift of God."
I clearly see here that Jesus is forever that Divine Handyman. He, alone, has the tools of His trade. He does not need my help. In fact I am impotent to do anything, for it is His gift to give and mine to receive. Period. It really is that simple. If I were to be saved and then immediately, or in a reasonable amount of time afterward, be taken to Heaven, this might be all that occurs. However, if Father God chooses to save us ,then keep us here for awhile, more will and should happen.
Paul then says in Philippians 1:6 "And I am convinced and sure of this very thing, that He Who began a good work in you will continue until the day of Jesus Christ (right up to the time of His return), developing that good work and perfecting and bringing it to full completion in you."
So here, Paul is sure that Gods going to keep working on, in and through us.Therefore, we have to be available, open and ready for what God has planned to do to "develop, perfect, and complete" us. Even in the not so great things. Even in the shameful things, or the lies we tell ourselves or others about who we think we are. I was saved . But I then imagined myself,like a white washed or newly painted picket fence. Nice on the outside.Looking good.Functional. All tied up with a pretty pink bow. Not.
But Jesus.That Divine Handyman and Carpenter. He knew the rotten wood the fence was made of. He knew the rusty nails deeply imbedded, and twisted and broken into pieces. He saw the way the boards had been mended , appearing strong and sturdy, but caving within from neglect This fence,needed much more than a shiny,perfect appearing coat of paint to make it the fence He had in mind.
In His wisdom ,He allowed the whole fence to crumble and He started all over again. He knows how to make Beauty from Ashes.He is not all about the "picture perfect appearance" that a nice coat of paint would accomplish...for a season...until the wood rotted and sagged and fell beneath its wear and abuse. He makes all things new.From the inside out.
My life and its secrets and its lies and its pretense was that Picket Fence.I tried to cover it with the paint of getting saved, going to church,praying and reading my Bible and witnessing to others about the Good News of Jesus.But I never even got real with the One who died for me and gave me my life. When I realized He wanted me...just me...just as I am...and was as a child...when I knew He was always with me and saw everything and said it's okay I got this...It's in My plan and My Hands...I began to remember some things, tell the truth, stop protecting everyone and pleasing everyone and making peace with everyone...and allowed Him to make new and repair and cut new boards and drive in new nails and sand and THEN paint the surface of my Picket Fence, my life.
I have learned in my walk with Jesus that things are rarely as they appear.I also have learned that my appearing a certain way does not mean that's how I am. I ,like a good old picket fence am a creation of the One who created me. He knows what He's going to use me for, therefore He gets to choose the type of wood and nails and paint and the saw to cut the boards that create me. I must not try to be, nor pretend to be a brick wall. I am a picket fence. .I am exactly what my Designer and Creator made me to be. He knows where the wood came from that made me...the seasons before I was a part of this fence..and He has a perfect place for each fencepost and board to go. As I allow Him to complete the building of the fence I can relax in my purpose and in my elements because He is the Divine Handyman and I am not.
" Yet, Oh Lord, You are our Father; we are the clay and You our Potter, and we are all the work of Your Hand." Isaiah 64: 8
" For You did form my inward parts; You did knit me together in my mother's womb. I will confess and praise You for You are fearful and wonderful and for the awful wonder of my birth! Wonderful are Your works and that my inner self knows right well. My frame was not hidden from You when I was being formed in secret and intricately and curiously wrought ( as if embroidered with various colors) in the depths of the earth ( a region of darkness and mystery). Your eyes saw my unformed substance , and in Your book all the days of my life were written before ever they took shape, when as yet there were none of them."
Psalm 139: 13-16
How dare I not embrace the life my Creator planned for me. How dare I assume a brick wall or a wrought iron gate is more valuable, beautiful or useful than a little picket fence. In embracing my purpose as He sees fit, I can become all He intended and be the best "picket fence" ever. Who knows what child I may protect in the arms of my fence rails? Or what beautiful flowers will not be stepped upon or broken and discarded as I encircle them? For which old couple sitting on their front porch will I be the "little picket fence" they always dreamed of having around but had no money for until this season of life? Serving my purpose, out of His creation, I can be many things if I am what and who He made me to be.
Prior to starting our "staycation",I was aware of the Holy Spirit working some things out in my spirit. At the time I was not totally clued in to what was going on ,just that something was. After years of communing with the Lord, I can see that just as in our earthly relationships, there are seasons of a deeper closeness, a knowing, a connectedness that is all encompassing, that transpires in our walk with our Father as well. It is evidence to me,that this indeed is a "relationship", not a religion or my faith or any other word that doesn't capture exactly what it is; a relationship.
It is because of that connection, that relationship, that I share here at My Hiding Place. My prayer and heartfelt desire, is that if just one someone, finds a word of encouragement or truth from Gods Word or even a kindred spirit in life and experience , then I will be accomplishing what I feel God has lead me to do in my writing . For so long I blinded myself to my own realities of the truth of my life. I wore shame as if it was my Sunday best. I agreed with everyone and people pleased, to be liked and accepted.I overlooked the abuses and swallowed every crumb thrown my direction. As if that were not enough,I then would sweep and vacuum every last crumb up ,as if I was the one created the mess or was in some way remotely responsible for it. In doing all of this I ignored and denied my own existence. I easily faded into the noise all around and became deaf to my own soul and spirit and my own inner voice.I made sure everyone else got what they needed while I slowly died inside.
As God began to show me, that He truly cared not only for me, but about all that He'd allowed in my childhood, I began to come to life in a new way. I had been born again for about 13 years but I was still living a lie.When I first got saved, I envisioned myself as a picket fence in need of repair and a good paint job. I saw Jesus as the Divine Painter and Handyman who would come along and straighten the boards,remove the rotten nails,and put on the shiny,perfect, snow white colored paint. He indeed comes to transform us.He indeed saves us completely by His Blood and His Grace. But salvation and sanctification are completely different. Or they were for me at least.
Paul says in Ephesians 2:8 "For it is by free grace (God's unmerited favor) that you are saved (delivered from judgement and made partakers of Christ's salvation) through your faith. And this salvation is not of yourselves (of your own doing, it came not through your own striving) but it is the gift of God."
I clearly see here that Jesus is forever that Divine Handyman. He, alone, has the tools of His trade. He does not need my help. In fact I am impotent to do anything, for it is His gift to give and mine to receive. Period. It really is that simple. If I were to be saved and then immediately, or in a reasonable amount of time afterward, be taken to Heaven, this might be all that occurs. However, if Father God chooses to save us ,then keep us here for awhile, more will and should happen.
Paul then says in Philippians 1:6 "And I am convinced and sure of this very thing, that He Who began a good work in you will continue until the day of Jesus Christ (right up to the time of His return), developing that good work and perfecting and bringing it to full completion in you."
So here, Paul is sure that Gods going to keep working on, in and through us.Therefore, we have to be available, open and ready for what God has planned to do to "develop, perfect, and complete" us. Even in the not so great things. Even in the shameful things, or the lies we tell ourselves or others about who we think we are. I was saved . But I then imagined myself,like a white washed or newly painted picket fence. Nice on the outside.Looking good.Functional. All tied up with a pretty pink bow. Not.
But Jesus.That Divine Handyman and Carpenter. He knew the rotten wood the fence was made of. He knew the rusty nails deeply imbedded, and twisted and broken into pieces. He saw the way the boards had been mended , appearing strong and sturdy, but caving within from neglect This fence,needed much more than a shiny,perfect appearing coat of paint to make it the fence He had in mind.
In His wisdom ,He allowed the whole fence to crumble and He started all over again. He knows how to make Beauty from Ashes.He is not all about the "picture perfect appearance" that a nice coat of paint would accomplish...for a season...until the wood rotted and sagged and fell beneath its wear and abuse. He makes all things new.From the inside out.
My life and its secrets and its lies and its pretense was that Picket Fence.I tried to cover it with the paint of getting saved, going to church,praying and reading my Bible and witnessing to others about the Good News of Jesus.But I never even got real with the One who died for me and gave me my life. When I realized He wanted me...just me...just as I am...and was as a child...when I knew He was always with me and saw everything and said it's okay I got this...It's in My plan and My Hands...I began to remember some things, tell the truth, stop protecting everyone and pleasing everyone and making peace with everyone...and allowed Him to make new and repair and cut new boards and drive in new nails and sand and THEN paint the surface of my Picket Fence, my life.
I have learned in my walk with Jesus that things are rarely as they appear.I also have learned that my appearing a certain way does not mean that's how I am. I ,like a good old picket fence am a creation of the One who created me. He knows what He's going to use me for, therefore He gets to choose the type of wood and nails and paint and the saw to cut the boards that create me. I must not try to be, nor pretend to be a brick wall. I am a picket fence. .I am exactly what my Designer and Creator made me to be. He knows where the wood came from that made me...the seasons before I was a part of this fence..and He has a perfect place for each fencepost and board to go. As I allow Him to complete the building of the fence I can relax in my purpose and in my elements because He is the Divine Handyman and I am not.
" Yet, Oh Lord, You are our Father; we are the clay and You our Potter, and we are all the work of Your Hand." Isaiah 64: 8
" For You did form my inward parts; You did knit me together in my mother's womb. I will confess and praise You for You are fearful and wonderful and for the awful wonder of my birth! Wonderful are Your works and that my inner self knows right well. My frame was not hidden from You when I was being formed in secret and intricately and curiously wrought ( as if embroidered with various colors) in the depths of the earth ( a region of darkness and mystery). Your eyes saw my unformed substance , and in Your book all the days of my life were written before ever they took shape, when as yet there were none of them."
Psalm 139: 13-16
How dare I not embrace the life my Creator planned for me. How dare I assume a brick wall or a wrought iron gate is more valuable, beautiful or useful than a little picket fence. In embracing my purpose as He sees fit, I can become all He intended and be the best "picket fence" ever. Who knows what child I may protect in the arms of my fence rails? Or what beautiful flowers will not be stepped upon or broken and discarded as I encircle them? For which old couple sitting on their front porch will I be the "little picket fence" they always dreamed of having around but had no money for until this season of life? Serving my purpose, out of His creation, I can be many things if I am what and who He made me to be.
Sunday, July 29, 2012
Good,Good and More Good
Today is the day Rays' Union votes on accepting the contract or walking out and striking. This has been an ongoing concern,but not panic, for months.It is so rewarding that I can write the words "concern ,not panic". It is like a measuring stick of my relationship of trust in the Lord. To see that trust,growth and dependence upon Him steadily climbing makes my heart sing and spurs me on to a greater and deeper relationship with Him.Isaiah 41:10 says " Fear not, there is nothing to fear, for I am with you; do not look around in terror and be dismayed,for I am your God. I will strengthen and harden you to difficulties,yes I will help you; yes I will hold you up and retain you with My victorious right hand of rightness and justice."
To be concerned shows that I am aware. That I live in this flesh, here on this earth , where bills have to be paid and groceries must be purchased.Gas must be put into vehicles that transport us to jobs providing the means of supporting those needs.Our Mocha and" The Boys" look to us to provide that kibble in the bowl that is always there each day. Our home, although we feel was given to us by God, still has a mortgage that has to be paid. The bank does not really care if we go on strike or not. These realities drive the concern.
The panic is driven by other things. Things from my past that formed how I perceive the safety of the world and people around me.Things that led me to not only doubt those who were my caretakers, but to fear them as well. Things that tell me when it looks like it's okay, don't really trust that. Be prepared. The rug will be pulled out from under you. Life is not safe and everything and everyone are to be feared, or at the least, not trusted.
Juggling these two emotions as a child of God has been difficult for me.Balancing the obvious realities of life in the flesh, while at the same time, trusting in the living God and looking to Him has been a learning process. My examples of authority,leadership,and even the basics of care giving towards me were minimal at best. Therefore I have struggled with trust in my relationship with my Heavenly Father. I didn't want to.I didn't choose to.It is a by product of the life I was given.
However, in His amazing ways and by His grace and faithfulness to me , He continues to teach me and show me that He is the better,perfect Father. He allows my fears to be there just enough time to remind me that He "will never leave me nor forsake me." He allows the pain of that insecurity to surface just long enough to remind me that in His Word He tells me "Fear not..for I am with you..I am your God."
Somehow in these 40 years of walking with Him, I am finally trusting more...running back to Him faster...relying on Him in every situation,not just those I deem appropriate. Somehow I am believing He is "for me and not against me."Somehow I am believing those words "I have loved you with an everlasting love;therefore with loving kindness I have drawn you." (Jeremiah 31:3 ) The knee jerk reaction is initially still the same .Doubt. Fear. But more quickly now and ever so gently, my hearts response has become one of breaking immediately in the presence of such overwhelming love and grace and faithfulness.I cannot retreat .I must surrender and bow down before my Lord and my God.He is my Refuge. He is My Hiding Place.He is the Lifter of my head.
What I have learned in these past few weeks surrounding the strike threat,is that I do not do life perfectly.I do not do faith perfectly.I do not walk with my God perfectly.And that's okay and perfectly understandable because I am not perfect. I do however, have the perfect Father God who knows and loves me.He accepts me in His Beloved. He is patient and kind .He sees the best in me and believes the best for me.I am allowed to stumble and He picks me up.Never, ever is He the cruel,unloving parent I expect.He continually showers me with an abundance of acceptance and love I never knew and often do not know how to receive. But I'm getting there.Steadily.
Micah 6: 8 states "He has showed you,oh man,what is good. And what does the Lord require of you but to do justly, and to love kindness and mercy, and to humble yourself and walk humbly with your God?"
I am learning to give kindness and mercy to myself ,instead of ridicule, constant condemnation, and a standard of perfection.. As I humble myself and walk with Him I am seeing the good. The good in depending upon Him.The good in not beating myself up.The good in "every word that proceeds from the mouth of God" and by which I measure my course in this life.The good that comes from the admonishment to "taste and see that the Lord is good". The good that "I am my Beloveds and He is mine."
What an incredible privilege to walk with the One who has said He is with me and He is my God. And what a delight to know He never lies and keeps His Word,therefore I can wait and it will happen...whatever He said. " God is not a man that He should lie.." (Numbers 23:19 )
To be concerned shows that I am aware. That I live in this flesh, here on this earth , where bills have to be paid and groceries must be purchased.Gas must be put into vehicles that transport us to jobs providing the means of supporting those needs.Our Mocha and" The Boys" look to us to provide that kibble in the bowl that is always there each day. Our home, although we feel was given to us by God, still has a mortgage that has to be paid. The bank does not really care if we go on strike or not. These realities drive the concern.
The panic is driven by other things. Things from my past that formed how I perceive the safety of the world and people around me.Things that led me to not only doubt those who were my caretakers, but to fear them as well. Things that tell me when it looks like it's okay, don't really trust that. Be prepared. The rug will be pulled out from under you. Life is not safe and everything and everyone are to be feared, or at the least, not trusted.
Juggling these two emotions as a child of God has been difficult for me.Balancing the obvious realities of life in the flesh, while at the same time, trusting in the living God and looking to Him has been a learning process. My examples of authority,leadership,and even the basics of care giving towards me were minimal at best. Therefore I have struggled with trust in my relationship with my Heavenly Father. I didn't want to.I didn't choose to.It is a by product of the life I was given.
However, in His amazing ways and by His grace and faithfulness to me , He continues to teach me and show me that He is the better,perfect Father. He allows my fears to be there just enough time to remind me that He "will never leave me nor forsake me." He allows the pain of that insecurity to surface just long enough to remind me that in His Word He tells me "Fear not..for I am with you..I am your God."
Somehow in these 40 years of walking with Him, I am finally trusting more...running back to Him faster...relying on Him in every situation,not just those I deem appropriate. Somehow I am believing He is "for me and not against me."Somehow I am believing those words "I have loved you with an everlasting love;therefore with loving kindness I have drawn you." (Jeremiah 31:3 ) The knee jerk reaction is initially still the same .Doubt. Fear. But more quickly now and ever so gently, my hearts response has become one of breaking immediately in the presence of such overwhelming love and grace and faithfulness.I cannot retreat .I must surrender and bow down before my Lord and my God.He is my Refuge. He is My Hiding Place.He is the Lifter of my head.
What I have learned in these past few weeks surrounding the strike threat,is that I do not do life perfectly.I do not do faith perfectly.I do not walk with my God perfectly.And that's okay and perfectly understandable because I am not perfect. I do however, have the perfect Father God who knows and loves me.He accepts me in His Beloved. He is patient and kind .He sees the best in me and believes the best for me.I am allowed to stumble and He picks me up.Never, ever is He the cruel,unloving parent I expect.He continually showers me with an abundance of acceptance and love I never knew and often do not know how to receive. But I'm getting there.Steadily.
Micah 6: 8 states "He has showed you,oh man,what is good. And what does the Lord require of you but to do justly, and to love kindness and mercy, and to humble yourself and walk humbly with your God?"
I am learning to give kindness and mercy to myself ,instead of ridicule, constant condemnation, and a standard of perfection.. As I humble myself and walk with Him I am seeing the good. The good in depending upon Him.The good in not beating myself up.The good in "every word that proceeds from the mouth of God" and by which I measure my course in this life.The good that comes from the admonishment to "taste and see that the Lord is good". The good that "I am my Beloveds and He is mine."
What an incredible privilege to walk with the One who has said He is with me and He is my God. And what a delight to know He never lies and keeps His Word,therefore I can wait and it will happen...whatever He said. " God is not a man that He should lie.." (Numbers 23:19 )
Wednesday, July 18, 2012
Rescued!
It has been a while since I last wrote. Things in life have kept me in a place where it is taking all of God's grace and lots of my own effort to keep my mind on God's Word and my eyes on Jesus, the Author and Finisher of my faith.
Despite the trying times or moments of confusion or doubt that circle around my brain, I have the Holy Spirit holding me together in my inward parts, and that is amazing to know and live in its truth. Although I still often become fearful initially, it is wonderful to see that as I look to my heavenly Father, those fears are dispelled and His peace takes residence within me. I know in my intellect that "nothing" has changed and yet somehow "everything" has.
Just as when Jesus walked physically on this earth and touched people's lives through healing them or casting out a demon, we too can experience His touch that makes life different in the moment and often for our lifetime. Repeatedly through my walk with Christ, there have been times when His just being there has made profound changes and adjustments to my life view and feelings. There is NO explanation except the presence of God entering an open heart full of need.
It is lovely to see the changes He brings about as we surrender to Him and allow Him to work and re-work our thought patterns and make us new, transforming us through His Word and in moments of grace where He just does something in us; how out of nowhere a Word comes to us that we don't really know but it's alive in our spirits floating around and at just the correct moment He brings it to us like a sip of cold water on a scorchingly hot summer afternoon. Refreshment. Clearheadedness. New vision.
This is the life of walking with the One, the true and living God. Just as in our relationships with closest family or friends, there are those times. We all have had them. We feel so close and united and hopeful, bonded in a very precious way and filled with love. The tears fall freely.
This was the day I had yesterday with my God.
Nothing in my fleshly world has changed. Life is still up in the air with many unanswered questions and some seemingly unanswered prayers. However Hope came and filled my empty soul, And Hope is like a "floatie." It makes the waters seem far less dangerous and the journey more relaxing.
So here I am in my "floatie" walking alongside my Savior...and we all know He walks on water.
Despite the trying times or moments of confusion or doubt that circle around my brain, I have the Holy Spirit holding me together in my inward parts, and that is amazing to know and live in its truth. Although I still often become fearful initially, it is wonderful to see that as I look to my heavenly Father, those fears are dispelled and His peace takes residence within me. I know in my intellect that "nothing" has changed and yet somehow "everything" has.
Just as when Jesus walked physically on this earth and touched people's lives through healing them or casting out a demon, we too can experience His touch that makes life different in the moment and often for our lifetime. Repeatedly through my walk with Christ, there have been times when His just being there has made profound changes and adjustments to my life view and feelings. There is NO explanation except the presence of God entering an open heart full of need.
It is lovely to see the changes He brings about as we surrender to Him and allow Him to work and re-work our thought patterns and make us new, transforming us through His Word and in moments of grace where He just does something in us; how out of nowhere a Word comes to us that we don't really know but it's alive in our spirits floating around and at just the correct moment He brings it to us like a sip of cold water on a scorchingly hot summer afternoon. Refreshment. Clearheadedness. New vision.
This is the life of walking with the One, the true and living God. Just as in our relationships with closest family or friends, there are those times. We all have had them. We feel so close and united and hopeful, bonded in a very precious way and filled with love. The tears fall freely.
This was the day I had yesterday with my God.
Nothing in my fleshly world has changed. Life is still up in the air with many unanswered questions and some seemingly unanswered prayers. However Hope came and filled my empty soul, And Hope is like a "floatie." It makes the waters seem far less dangerous and the journey more relaxing.
So here I am in my "floatie" walking alongside my Savior...and we all know He walks on water.
Thursday, July 5, 2012
Hide and Seek...or Maybe Life as a Froggy
I have not written in several days.I feel blocked by the "real world" turning around me. Honestly I am probably actually in "HIDING" again. Life has thrown some curve balls in my families direction, and the doubts,fears, worries and anger has me running for cover. I know what I want to be feeling and what I am actually feeling and they are often at odds.
The birth of this blog came about because I felt led of the Lord to share my faith.Truly it was to share His acts of miraculous intervening in my struggles in life both as a child,teen and an adult woman redeemed by His blood and grace.It was to share His caring so much that He would move heaven and earth to reach my soul. It was to encourage others to trust and believe that He cares for every moment of our life and works them all together for our good as my blog address references a Scripture long held as my own personal "life verse".
Yet ,here I sit tonight, discouraged,doubting.Hiding from my Creator because I'm afraid this might be the time He lets me down. I know He won't,but it might feel like He does. I don't want to feel that. I felt that all my life. Promise after promise was broken by every adult I ever trusted or believed in.As a good and devout Catholic girl I would pray the Rosary and wear my scapular to bed at night...go to Mass and light candles. Believe that my believing would somehow change the horror of my life. But it did not. So I do not want to feel that way again Lord. The fear of that feeling makes me avoid You.
You,who made the world and everything in it.You ,who hold my very life in Your Hand. You,who time and time again have proven Yourself Faithful and True.Trustworthy.
It's me and my fear that keeps me from You. It's my idea of how I think things should go in this crazy world where I already feel like there is no security, and now there are even more threatening circumstances. Its my fear that You won't really give me and my family the miracle we need. That we just don't measure up or deserve it like all the people you really love. It's my resistance to the stretching and growing and character building You develop in those You have called and love and chasten. It's my impatience in knowing we cannot know the answer for a couple weeks and until then I have to walk with You everyday. How can I walk and hide at the same time?? I cannot.
Help me Father to know you are nothing like my earthly parents.Help me to look at all You have ever done for me and to realize that same care and love motivate what You have planned now. Help me to look unto You,the author and finisher of my faith and know You're not done. Help me not to hide but to come before you boldly because You are always before me interceding on my behalf. Help me to praise and worship You for who You are rather than dwell on what You might not do even though You never yet have let me down. Help me to see my fears and disappointments are only because I am so limited in my view of You and Your plans towards me...plans for a hope and a future..for good and not for evil.
Jesus knew of what He spoke when He cautioned us to not be caught up in the cares of this world. They can completely derail us and take us off the road leading us to Him and His peace,joy and love. In recognizing this though,we can quickly ask forgiveness and be reinstated immediately into His presence and grace.
Hiding used to be what I did.It felt safer and more familiar. Now I feel better connected to Him, even when I do not know where He's leading me. Hiding is separating myself from Him and that is not what I want any longer...or at least for not as long. I recognize His absence sooner and long to be reunited.
Living in this world,while my citizenship is in another,often causes me difficulty.As I go along I hope I can continue to grow and reach for all God has for me,even when I am fearful. Especially when I am fearful because the connection is the victory,not necessarily the outcome. Like a frog who because of its amphibious characteristics can live quite contently in or out of water,I hope that I can learn to live in this world but not be of this world or taken over by its cares,while remaining anchored to my residency in the Fathers Kingdom. Like the froggy I want to be content swimming,diving or sitting on a lily pad high above the waters. I want to be content in whatever circumstances my Father allows while walking with Him here on earth, while at the same time, my spirit is growing and becoming ready to be transported to the Heavenly Kingdom,where I will live forevermore.
Funny,the child's game is called Hide and Seek. Its really quite the opposite in my life with Christ.The more I Seek,the less I Hide.
The birth of this blog came about because I felt led of the Lord to share my faith.Truly it was to share His acts of miraculous intervening in my struggles in life both as a child,teen and an adult woman redeemed by His blood and grace.It was to share His caring so much that He would move heaven and earth to reach my soul. It was to encourage others to trust and believe that He cares for every moment of our life and works them all together for our good as my blog address references a Scripture long held as my own personal "life verse".
Yet ,here I sit tonight, discouraged,doubting.Hiding from my Creator because I'm afraid this might be the time He lets me down. I know He won't,but it might feel like He does. I don't want to feel that. I felt that all my life. Promise after promise was broken by every adult I ever trusted or believed in.As a good and devout Catholic girl I would pray the Rosary and wear my scapular to bed at night...go to Mass and light candles. Believe that my believing would somehow change the horror of my life. But it did not. So I do not want to feel that way again Lord. The fear of that feeling makes me avoid You.
You,who made the world and everything in it.You ,who hold my very life in Your Hand. You,who time and time again have proven Yourself Faithful and True.Trustworthy.
It's me and my fear that keeps me from You. It's my idea of how I think things should go in this crazy world where I already feel like there is no security, and now there are even more threatening circumstances. Its my fear that You won't really give me and my family the miracle we need. That we just don't measure up or deserve it like all the people you really love. It's my resistance to the stretching and growing and character building You develop in those You have called and love and chasten. It's my impatience in knowing we cannot know the answer for a couple weeks and until then I have to walk with You everyday. How can I walk and hide at the same time?? I cannot.
Help me Father to know you are nothing like my earthly parents.Help me to look at all You have ever done for me and to realize that same care and love motivate what You have planned now. Help me to look unto You,the author and finisher of my faith and know You're not done. Help me not to hide but to come before you boldly because You are always before me interceding on my behalf. Help me to praise and worship You for who You are rather than dwell on what You might not do even though You never yet have let me down. Help me to see my fears and disappointments are only because I am so limited in my view of You and Your plans towards me...plans for a hope and a future..for good and not for evil.
Jesus knew of what He spoke when He cautioned us to not be caught up in the cares of this world. They can completely derail us and take us off the road leading us to Him and His peace,joy and love. In recognizing this though,we can quickly ask forgiveness and be reinstated immediately into His presence and grace.
Hiding used to be what I did.It felt safer and more familiar. Now I feel better connected to Him, even when I do not know where He's leading me. Hiding is separating myself from Him and that is not what I want any longer...or at least for not as long. I recognize His absence sooner and long to be reunited.
Living in this world,while my citizenship is in another,often causes me difficulty.As I go along I hope I can continue to grow and reach for all God has for me,even when I am fearful. Especially when I am fearful because the connection is the victory,not necessarily the outcome. Like a frog who because of its amphibious characteristics can live quite contently in or out of water,I hope that I can learn to live in this world but not be of this world or taken over by its cares,while remaining anchored to my residency in the Fathers Kingdom. Like the froggy I want to be content swimming,diving or sitting on a lily pad high above the waters. I want to be content in whatever circumstances my Father allows while walking with Him here on earth, while at the same time, my spirit is growing and becoming ready to be transported to the Heavenly Kingdom,where I will live forevermore.
Funny,the child's game is called Hide and Seek. Its really quite the opposite in my life with Christ.The more I Seek,the less I Hide.
Thursday, June 28, 2012
A Longing Fulfilled or In Process
Music has always been an instrument used by God to touch my heart.Recently in the past several months the music of Audrey Assad has been the soundtrack of my life.She not only has an exceptional voice,but even more so her lyrics say so much of what I have felt,longed for,imagined. It has been in listening to her music that I have drawn ever nearer to the Lord . I find it moves me to a place of even more transparency than I have experienced before.I sometimes feel like I am actually communing with Him on a new level.More honest.More open.More aware that this is the God of the Universe that I get to hang out with and talk to in the quiet moments of my soul and day.I think I am beginning to understand "eternity" so much better.I used to think wow,I'm glad I'm saved and not going to Hell, but what am I going to do in Heaven,forever?? As I walk deeper,year after year with Jesus,I see that its only the beginning and there's so much more.It truly is only a "glimpse" now ,but then it will be face to face. A complete union.A longing fulfilled.
The pictures with Jesus sitting with children,or embracing a man or woman's face in the tenderness of His Hand, have always stirred deep emotion within me.I long to be looked at by Him in the ways these artists have depicted Him. This is what I imagine upon my first entrance into Heaven.
Some of the lyrics to this song paint a picture of the feelings I experience about The Lord, or the emotions it evokes within me as I remember all He's done for me,but mostly WHO He is to me.Like He's not just God. He is that, but because I can no longer separate my existence from Him,He is so much more to me.And this is certainly NOT because I am so holy,because I am not.It's more like the Bible talks about us being grafted into the Vine and they are now One.I cannot fathom separation or an existence apart from His grace,tenderness,or presence in my life.As the Bible states He is everywhere and holds everything together.
"You are the highway I travel.Cause I watched You carve streets of gold from the sand and gravel.I gave you brokenness.You gave me innocence.And now this road leads to glory.You are my deepest longing and so I see You everywhere.It's You I'm chasing after.Cause I am captivated by Who You are and how You move.I'll follow You forever". (Audrey Assad)
As I was thinking about these lyrics today I was reminded of a portion of Scripture that evokes the same response inside of me.
"O Lord,I remember earnestly my affliction and my misery,my wandering and my outcast state,the wormwood and the gall. My soul has them continually in remembrance and is bowed down within me. But this I recall and therefore I have hope and expectation.It is because of the Lord's mercy and loving-kindness that we are not consumed,because His tender compassions fail not. They are new every morning; great and abundant is Your stability and faithfulness. The Lord is my portion or share,says my living being,my inner self; therefore I will hope in Him and wait expectantly for Him." Lamentations 3 :19 to 24
Over the years people have jokingly made "fun" of my responses to music,worship,the Lord's very personal invasion of my space at times. Comments like "Look out her angel wings are sprouting"...were made in jest but they cut to my core. It was certainly not because I was anything but a sinner saved by grace,as were they.What hurt was that I knew what God had rescued me from,and how much I needed a Father,a Savior, and that relationship is so real to me on a very personal level.To have that mocked made me go into Hiding some more.This season of my life and the purpose for this blog is to come out and be visibly connected to the true Hiding Place and to give expression to the love relationship I have with the one true God and to His awesomeness in our daily lives. I struggle in this world as all sinners do.I have good seasons and ones filled with clouds and rain.I don't always or even often, be what Jesus wants me to be. But what I know is that "Heaven came down and Glory filled my Soul" as the old hymn states.
"Oh what a wonderful,wonderful day.Day I will never forget.After I'd wandered in darkness away Jesus my Savior I met.Oh what a tender,compassionate friend.He met the need of my heart.Shadows dispelling,with joy I am telling, He made all the darkness depart. Heaven came down and glory filled my soul."
Religious..not ever.Not close. Changed.Transformed.Made new.In light of that I could never stop the gratitude I feel.I could not walk away from the One who loves me with an everlasting love and who draws me by that love.I cannot separate my heart from Him.And all of this always comes back to His doing,not mine.He sought me.He bought me. He keeps me every day.Therefore I will look for Him everywhere and give Him recognition for all that He is to me.If people poke fun ,so be it. I am not in hiding any longer.This is the least I can do is give voice to His praises.His wondrous works abound.How grateful I am He invited me to share the journey of grace,renewal,hope and love.The beautiful road of life in Christ.
"You are the highway I travel.So I see You everywhere. I'll follow You forever".
The pictures with Jesus sitting with children,or embracing a man or woman's face in the tenderness of His Hand, have always stirred deep emotion within me.I long to be looked at by Him in the ways these artists have depicted Him. This is what I imagine upon my first entrance into Heaven.
Some of the lyrics to this song paint a picture of the feelings I experience about The Lord, or the emotions it evokes within me as I remember all He's done for me,but mostly WHO He is to me.Like He's not just God. He is that, but because I can no longer separate my existence from Him,He is so much more to me.And this is certainly NOT because I am so holy,because I am not.It's more like the Bible talks about us being grafted into the Vine and they are now One.I cannot fathom separation or an existence apart from His grace,tenderness,or presence in my life.As the Bible states He is everywhere and holds everything together.
"You are the highway I travel.Cause I watched You carve streets of gold from the sand and gravel.I gave you brokenness.You gave me innocence.And now this road leads to glory.You are my deepest longing and so I see You everywhere.It's You I'm chasing after.Cause I am captivated by Who You are and how You move.I'll follow You forever". (Audrey Assad)
As I was thinking about these lyrics today I was reminded of a portion of Scripture that evokes the same response inside of me.
"O Lord,I remember earnestly my affliction and my misery,my wandering and my outcast state,the wormwood and the gall. My soul has them continually in remembrance and is bowed down within me. But this I recall and therefore I have hope and expectation.It is because of the Lord's mercy and loving-kindness that we are not consumed,because His tender compassions fail not. They are new every morning; great and abundant is Your stability and faithfulness. The Lord is my portion or share,says my living being,my inner self; therefore I will hope in Him and wait expectantly for Him." Lamentations 3 :19 to 24
Over the years people have jokingly made "fun" of my responses to music,worship,the Lord's very personal invasion of my space at times. Comments like "Look out her angel wings are sprouting"...were made in jest but they cut to my core. It was certainly not because I was anything but a sinner saved by grace,as were they.What hurt was that I knew what God had rescued me from,and how much I needed a Father,a Savior, and that relationship is so real to me on a very personal level.To have that mocked made me go into Hiding some more.This season of my life and the purpose for this blog is to come out and be visibly connected to the true Hiding Place and to give expression to the love relationship I have with the one true God and to His awesomeness in our daily lives. I struggle in this world as all sinners do.I have good seasons and ones filled with clouds and rain.I don't always or even often, be what Jesus wants me to be. But what I know is that "Heaven came down and Glory filled my Soul" as the old hymn states.
"Oh what a wonderful,wonderful day.Day I will never forget.After I'd wandered in darkness away Jesus my Savior I met.Oh what a tender,compassionate friend.He met the need of my heart.Shadows dispelling,with joy I am telling, He made all the darkness depart. Heaven came down and glory filled my soul."
Religious..not ever.Not close. Changed.Transformed.Made new.In light of that I could never stop the gratitude I feel.I could not walk away from the One who loves me with an everlasting love and who draws me by that love.I cannot separate my heart from Him.And all of this always comes back to His doing,not mine.He sought me.He bought me. He keeps me every day.Therefore I will look for Him everywhere and give Him recognition for all that He is to me.If people poke fun ,so be it. I am not in hiding any longer.This is the least I can do is give voice to His praises.His wondrous works abound.How grateful I am He invited me to share the journey of grace,renewal,hope and love.The beautiful road of life in Christ.
"You are the highway I travel.So I see You everywhere. I'll follow You forever".
Wednesday, June 27, 2012
A Visit in the Night
When I first heard this song the other day I was so glad a Christian artist had attempted to not only address it, the subject of sexual abuse, but to capture it so accurately. As a survivor of incest and other sexual abuse, I had no clue that survivors felt so much of the same things until I was blessed enough to become part of a women's group years ago. During that time I found some wonderful healing, information that helped me untangle a lot of my own confusion and many friendships.One in particular really helped me grow. We shared a lot of pain and sadness and lost dreams and we were able to sit in silence together, feeling comforted by our shared losses and our understanding of one another's heartache. She was about 20 years older than me and the Lord called her home several years ago. Her name was Pattie and I cannot wait to see her again in Heaven.
So many have very little understanding of the destruction to the survivor's soul, including the survivor themselves. For years I walked around compromised in every area of my life but I had no clue. As a teen, I had teachers directly ask me if I was being abused or had been sexually violated. I would say no. I had PTSD and traumatic amnesia. I cannot remember most of my life; however the rash that covered my body as a little girl, the bed wetting, the thumb sucking until ten, the eating disorders that came later, the promiscuity, and feeling like I was merely a BODY began to tell a tale to me. I had night terrors and sleepless nights. I was unable to and unwilling to take my glasses off at night to sleep until I was in my 30s. When my husband asked me once why I was wearing glasses to bed, I answered him plainly. "So I can see what's gonna happen to me." He was puzzled. I felt completely justified in my answer but I wasn't sure why.
At 30 years old, I began to have flashbacks. I became depressed and suicidal. One day I locked my four year old and two year old out of my bedroom. Ryan was banging on the door and yelling, "Mama, Mama," repeatedly. I can still hear it as if it were yesterday. My kids were not used to being ignored or abandoned by me. I can only imagine the fear his little heart must have felt. And knowing my precious Mandy, she probably comforted him, while being terrified herself inside. In one moment of clarity,or lets be honest, a moment of grace, I realized I was in trouble and needed help. I called a Christian counseling center that day and made an appointment. I thank God for that moment. It probably saved my life again, my marriage, my ability to parent my children. Mostly it allowed me to stop lying to myself and pretending nothing was wrong.
Despite my conversion to Christ, and my prayer life, my reading the Word and going to church...still I was dying inside. I tried so hard. I did not know what was wrong. I would tell God, I know there's something wrong with me, Lord. I would beg forgiveness for the "dirty and the bad" I felt was just a part of me. As dreams and nightmares and other things began to unravel the dirty little secret, an amazing spiritual thing happened as well.
Without giving all the details let me just say this. My husband woke up in the middle of the night to me laying face down on the floor. He said he was awakened by a loud noise. I then told him," Father God was here. His voice is like thunder and His Light is so bright I could not look towards Him. He told me He was with me then and now. He has been with me always and yes, the person I thought had been abusing me was indeed the person. And then he said He would always be a Father to me."
This was real. This was powerful . This was life changing. It was enough to start breaking the chains I did not know held me captive.
This initial abuse set me up for further instances that I did recall and remember. But the original violation was done by someone I loved and trusted and treasured probably above all others. Therein lies the difficulty. And the shame. And the denial. However, as difficult as it was at times, the freedom that I gained as I faced the real truths of my life, I began to heal in ways I could only imagine before. And when it was unbearable or unimaginable or the abuse was down right lied about and denied, I had the Spirit of the Living God letting me know it was okay because He was there. He had assured me of that. He stepped up for me when He knew my caretakers, when confronted with the truth, would lie, deny and blame others, especially me, the child. He did a supernatural thing in order to comfort the little girl inside of me who was believing she was crazy and wished she could die. Father God stepped in and said "Live".
To this day as I recall that moment, I am humbled by God's interaction with my searching soul. He cared enough to step in and because no one else told the truth, He did an amazing feat in an unusual way in order to make it safe for me. He stepped into my world literally, supernaturally to rescue me from the lies satan meant for my destruction.
This was a supernatural intervention. I needed something to begin to heal and God provided it in a very assuring way.My traumatized mind could not remember,while at the same time it could not forget. Father God came and made a way for me to move forward. Healing had begun. The Broken Girl had one solid thing to stand upon; the word of her Father.
"God is not a man,that He should tell or act a lie." Numbers 23:19
Saturday, June 23, 2012
Food...For Thought
I have struggled with Eating Disorders all of my life, or so it seems. I realized when I was in counseling for years with my Christian therapist that it began long before I was even aware of it.
It is almost as if it was a guarantee based on my background and circumstances of life. Having been sexually abused at a very young age and continuing into my earliest teens, I already had a lot going on at an unconscious level. It took awhile for me to understand and sort this out. This set into motion thought patterns and habits that became my way of life. I called them "good days" or "bad days". Who could have imagined they would run into decades of my life?
Upon further examination though, with the help of my counselor, I came to realize that this also began as a result of the neglect, deprivation, torture and basic inhumane treatment I was given in a foster home. Being away from one's parents, despite their abuses and inability to parent, puts a whole other spin on things. One now feels abandoned, discarded, not wanted or valued, thrown away like garbage, replaceable. Unfortunately for me, along with the war already raging internally and emotionally, I had really disturbed foster care providers who felt it their obligation and somewhat misplaced or misunderstood joy, to remind me continuously....that I was not wanted.
In the 1960's there was a song that said the words, "How much is that doggie in the window?" It went on saying they hoped that the dog was for sale and could be theirs. In the evil and twisted words of the "mother" foster care provider, she would sing it to me. She then would say that those doggies were better than me because someone at least wanted them. No one wants you. The doggies would get homes. I was here because I had no home. I'm sure it made me sad then. I don't really remember. I was trying so hard to survive. What I do know is I have never forgotten the tune or words to that song. I have never walked by a pet store window or pet adoption cage and not only seen the doggies, kitties whatever...but thought of myself...the one who had less of a chance than a puppy of being wanted.
In line with the above type of total disregard for the emotional well being of a child, we basically were not fed.We had no choice in the matter.Every decision made for me was made by someone else.The food was placed in front of us...strictly portioned out and if you liked it, eat it and if you hated it, eat it too.If you were still hungry too bad.Asking for what one needed or wanted was not permitted. There were times my sister was made to sit five hours after a meal of "chili beans" were placed in front of her. She detested them and gagged throughout the whole meal but she HAD to eat them.Then we would be up all night as she then would vomit all night.And get screamed at the whole time. Although this was my little sisters experience I wore it as my own. I could not stop them from hurting her.It makes me cry as I write this today.It was nothing less than torture.
I hope this does not read in as much of a rambling way as it feels. In setting the tone for my issues with food, this is another of the scenarios. Another "favorite" meal they gave us was in our lunches. "Tomato jelly" sandwiches. No peanut butter to mask the awful taste of tomato jelly. It was simply disgusting. I cannot imagine it was a real food. They never ate it. It seemed like it was just for "us." All of this to say this did not promote a healthy relationship with food at a young age.We were either being tortured with food that made us sick or deprived of food in both quantity, or choices that may have set up a better understanding that food is a fuel needed for survival, not a tool to inflict pain.This food game was only one of many in the House of Horrors we called home.
In my understanding now, I see this was all done to a child, who already had lots of issues.The layers of dysfunction were being formed. The groundwork for my long struggle with anorexia/bulimia/obesity had begun.
Fast forward this existence nine years.Out of nowhere ,my mother comes from California and "reclaims" us.In a twenty four hour period,we are removed from our foster home of nine years and flown to Southern California to be with a woman who abandoned us nine years earlier. This alone could throw a normal, grounded child into turmoil...however I was not that child. Here I was now with a whole new set of rules and new abuses. My mother was an alcoholic, a survivor of sexual abuse, a sex addict and most probably someone who suffered with Borderline Personality Disorder. In sum total I lived less than seven or eight years of my life with her. I did not know her. I know only what she did and how she acted towards me. There is a difference.
My mother was quite vain. She thought she was the measure of an attractive woman I guess. This came out in her judgments of others clothing, hair, makeup,WEIGHT. It did not matter that I was her child. I was just another "female" that did not measure up. From the time she came and got us when I was 14 until I left home at 16, I was never good enough. Why wasn't I more like so and so? Why did I not eat this instead of that? My boyfriends really wanted to date her not me but they settled for me. Craziness, personified. It was due to a lot of this that I began to diet continuously.That led to starving...then gaining weight...then binging and purging...then gaining weight...then starving. The cycle.
All of this to say this. I still struggle to this day. I now have a clearer understanding of WHY I do. I also have an understanding of the role food should play in my life. That it's NOT a sin to need food.God created us with bodies who need food as a fuel source.The sinfulness comes in when I allow it to be used as a mood altering substance or remove it completely from myself as if I know better than God,the Creator.
I have just celebrated my first year on Weight Watchers. I have lost seventy pounds.It is great in some ways.In other ways it's not enough.I had a goal of one hundred pounds the first year or so.Obviously in my mind I have failed...again. The last six weeks I have been lost.I went three weeks losing NOTHING ..staying completely on plan.The past three weeks I stayed pretty close to plan and then messed up a bit on the weekends. In praying about this,God led me to these Scriptures. 2 Corinthians 10: 4 and 5 and Hebrews12:1.
They both speak about taking captive our thoughts, our actions, and our struggles to the obedience of Christ.In particular Hebrews says "Let us strip off and throw aside every encumbrance,unnecessary weight,and that sin which so readily,deftly and cleverly clings to and entangles us and let us run with patient endurance and steady and active persistence the appointed course of the race that is set before us". This came at a much needed time for me.I was beginning the "hating" of myself again because I had not performed according to my expectation.I had my own thoughts running and not Gods Word. I fell victim to my own judgments and harsh criticisms; most of which I don't really believe.I just replay the tapes from the past.They are someone else's thoughts and not mine to own. I want to choose what I think,stand for,believe in and act upon.And most of all I want these to be based upon my Fathers Word because He is Truth,personified and He "knows the thoughts I think toward you,says the Lord,thoughts of peace and not of evil to give you a future and a hope." (Jeremiah 29:11)
So I will continue on the journey. I share any and all of this to help others as well as myself. Being Spirit, Soul and Body means there is healing on all levels taking place within me.My God is an equal opportunity Healer. I know that what He has done and continues to do in and for me ,He will do for any who call upon His Name.
It is almost as if it was a guarantee based on my background and circumstances of life. Having been sexually abused at a very young age and continuing into my earliest teens, I already had a lot going on at an unconscious level. It took awhile for me to understand and sort this out. This set into motion thought patterns and habits that became my way of life. I called them "good days" or "bad days". Who could have imagined they would run into decades of my life?
Upon further examination though, with the help of my counselor, I came to realize that this also began as a result of the neglect, deprivation, torture and basic inhumane treatment I was given in a foster home. Being away from one's parents, despite their abuses and inability to parent, puts a whole other spin on things. One now feels abandoned, discarded, not wanted or valued, thrown away like garbage, replaceable. Unfortunately for me, along with the war already raging internally and emotionally, I had really disturbed foster care providers who felt it their obligation and somewhat misplaced or misunderstood joy, to remind me continuously....that I was not wanted.
In the 1960's there was a song that said the words, "How much is that doggie in the window?" It went on saying they hoped that the dog was for sale and could be theirs. In the evil and twisted words of the "mother" foster care provider, she would sing it to me. She then would say that those doggies were better than me because someone at least wanted them. No one wants you. The doggies would get homes. I was here because I had no home. I'm sure it made me sad then. I don't really remember. I was trying so hard to survive. What I do know is I have never forgotten the tune or words to that song. I have never walked by a pet store window or pet adoption cage and not only seen the doggies, kitties whatever...but thought of myself...the one who had less of a chance than a puppy of being wanted.
In line with the above type of total disregard for the emotional well being of a child, we basically were not fed.We had no choice in the matter.Every decision made for me was made by someone else.The food was placed in front of us...strictly portioned out and if you liked it, eat it and if you hated it, eat it too.If you were still hungry too bad.Asking for what one needed or wanted was not permitted. There were times my sister was made to sit five hours after a meal of "chili beans" were placed in front of her. She detested them and gagged throughout the whole meal but she HAD to eat them.Then we would be up all night as she then would vomit all night.And get screamed at the whole time. Although this was my little sisters experience I wore it as my own. I could not stop them from hurting her.It makes me cry as I write this today.It was nothing less than torture.
I hope this does not read in as much of a rambling way as it feels. In setting the tone for my issues with food, this is another of the scenarios. Another "favorite" meal they gave us was in our lunches. "Tomato jelly" sandwiches. No peanut butter to mask the awful taste of tomato jelly. It was simply disgusting. I cannot imagine it was a real food. They never ate it. It seemed like it was just for "us." All of this to say this did not promote a healthy relationship with food at a young age.We were either being tortured with food that made us sick or deprived of food in both quantity, or choices that may have set up a better understanding that food is a fuel needed for survival, not a tool to inflict pain.This food game was only one of many in the House of Horrors we called home.
In my understanding now, I see this was all done to a child, who already had lots of issues.The layers of dysfunction were being formed. The groundwork for my long struggle with anorexia/bulimia/obesity had begun.
Fast forward this existence nine years.Out of nowhere ,my mother comes from California and "reclaims" us.In a twenty four hour period,we are removed from our foster home of nine years and flown to Southern California to be with a woman who abandoned us nine years earlier. This alone could throw a normal, grounded child into turmoil...however I was not that child. Here I was now with a whole new set of rules and new abuses. My mother was an alcoholic, a survivor of sexual abuse, a sex addict and most probably someone who suffered with Borderline Personality Disorder. In sum total I lived less than seven or eight years of my life with her. I did not know her. I know only what she did and how she acted towards me. There is a difference.
My mother was quite vain. She thought she was the measure of an attractive woman I guess. This came out in her judgments of others clothing, hair, makeup,WEIGHT. It did not matter that I was her child. I was just another "female" that did not measure up. From the time she came and got us when I was 14 until I left home at 16, I was never good enough. Why wasn't I more like so and so? Why did I not eat this instead of that? My boyfriends really wanted to date her not me but they settled for me. Craziness, personified. It was due to a lot of this that I began to diet continuously.That led to starving...then gaining weight...then binging and purging...then gaining weight...then starving. The cycle.
All of this to say this. I still struggle to this day. I now have a clearer understanding of WHY I do. I also have an understanding of the role food should play in my life. That it's NOT a sin to need food.God created us with bodies who need food as a fuel source.The sinfulness comes in when I allow it to be used as a mood altering substance or remove it completely from myself as if I know better than God,the Creator.
I have just celebrated my first year on Weight Watchers. I have lost seventy pounds.It is great in some ways.In other ways it's not enough.I had a goal of one hundred pounds the first year or so.Obviously in my mind I have failed...again. The last six weeks I have been lost.I went three weeks losing NOTHING ..staying completely on plan.The past three weeks I stayed pretty close to plan and then messed up a bit on the weekends. In praying about this,God led me to these Scriptures. 2 Corinthians 10: 4 and 5 and Hebrews12:1.
They both speak about taking captive our thoughts, our actions, and our struggles to the obedience of Christ.In particular Hebrews says "Let us strip off and throw aside every encumbrance,unnecessary weight,and that sin which so readily,deftly and cleverly clings to and entangles us and let us run with patient endurance and steady and active persistence the appointed course of the race that is set before us". This came at a much needed time for me.I was beginning the "hating" of myself again because I had not performed according to my expectation.I had my own thoughts running and not Gods Word. I fell victim to my own judgments and harsh criticisms; most of which I don't really believe.I just replay the tapes from the past.They are someone else's thoughts and not mine to own. I want to choose what I think,stand for,believe in and act upon.And most of all I want these to be based upon my Fathers Word because He is Truth,personified and He "knows the thoughts I think toward you,says the Lord,thoughts of peace and not of evil to give you a future and a hope." (Jeremiah 29:11)
So I will continue on the journey. I share any and all of this to help others as well as myself. Being Spirit, Soul and Body means there is healing on all levels taking place within me.My God is an equal opportunity Healer. I know that what He has done and continues to do in and for me ,He will do for any who call upon His Name.
Friday, June 22, 2012
The Umpire Makes The Call
WoW...When I started writing I had no idea how much time it could possibly take. Nor did I know I might have to feel inspired by something or someone or the lack thereof to put words on paper.
The past week has flown by with all its usual events.For most of us that means a work week be it away from home or at home. We go about doing the tasks our job demands while trying to be Light in the place God has placed us. We try to see the "bigger picture" and not all the annoying or bothersome moments of a day at work. We remain grateful for the blessing of a job in times when so many are out of work. For people like my husband and myself, who work early or odd hours, we try to sleep while others are arriving home from the day at the office and the sun is still shining brightly outside our bedroom window. We try to be in the place He has put us ,despite the struggle within at times.
In my reading of the Word this week, as I traveled through the book of Colossians many things spoke to me.For example Colossians 3:23 and 24 talk specifically about " whatever your task or work at hand" to do it as to the Lord and not for man...or only the paycheck.It then spoke about knowing "with all certainty" that we will receive from the Lord our inheritance which is our real reward.That hit me in a real place.I guess I often think of rewards as being for those "very special Christians"...you know the ones that I am not! The ones who do everything perfectly and never struggle. The ones who only exist in my imagination and that satan uses as the measuring stick by which I can never measure up. But this verse helped a little.
I then was really spoken to by Colossians 3:15. It states this. " And let the peace, soul harmony which comes from Christ rule or act like an umpire continually in your hearts, deciding and settling with finality all questions that arise in your minds, in that peaceful state to which as members of Christ's body you were also called to live. And be thankful,appreciative, giving praise to God always".
Envisioning the role of an umpire helps tremendously in the analogy in this verse. Allowing the peace of Christ to rule,settle and decide with finality ALL the questions that arise in my mind,truly makes it a whole new ball game so to speak. My mind,emotions,fears,hopes,dreams all can cloud the vision of my daily life.But the "peace of God (in Christ), that passes all understanding" gives me another standard upon which to build my life.It ,as an umpire, calls the play by play action that ultimately can decide the outcome of the game,or my life as it were.
This has ,unbeknownst to me been happening for quite awhile now,in my life by the grace of God. I cannot bear to look at where life has me,my kids,our jobs,others I love...the world at large.It's scary and horrible and disheartening all at the same time.But somehow,daily and more often moment by given moment,I can sense His peace and that is enough.It takes me to a place I can live..and breathe..and have hope.Not in the tangible things of this world but in the world that I truly have a citizenship in..my Fathers Kingdom. I do not feel I have many bragging rights in this world. If I measure myself by my looks,or my occupation,my wealth or status...many other things I cannot even think of..as the kids say now EPIC FAIL. As I continue on this road of "walking by faith and not by sight" I see things that are really more real than my own reality.
It is because of this that I continue to cry Abba Father.That I continue to look inward and then upward from where my strength comes from...That I continue to confess my pride,and weaknesses and deluded dreams and hopes to the One who Alone has the Knowledge and ability to renew my mind and thus change my heart,my vision.To Him be all the glory. Forever. And today in another inning of this game called Life.
The past week has flown by with all its usual events.For most of us that means a work week be it away from home or at home. We go about doing the tasks our job demands while trying to be Light in the place God has placed us. We try to see the "bigger picture" and not all the annoying or bothersome moments of a day at work. We remain grateful for the blessing of a job in times when so many are out of work. For people like my husband and myself, who work early or odd hours, we try to sleep while others are arriving home from the day at the office and the sun is still shining brightly outside our bedroom window. We try to be in the place He has put us ,despite the struggle within at times.
In my reading of the Word this week, as I traveled through the book of Colossians many things spoke to me.For example Colossians 3:23 and 24 talk specifically about " whatever your task or work at hand" to do it as to the Lord and not for man...or only the paycheck.It then spoke about knowing "with all certainty" that we will receive from the Lord our inheritance which is our real reward.That hit me in a real place.I guess I often think of rewards as being for those "very special Christians"...you know the ones that I am not! The ones who do everything perfectly and never struggle. The ones who only exist in my imagination and that satan uses as the measuring stick by which I can never measure up. But this verse helped a little.
I then was really spoken to by Colossians 3:15. It states this. " And let the peace, soul harmony which comes from Christ rule or act like an umpire continually in your hearts, deciding and settling with finality all questions that arise in your minds, in that peaceful state to which as members of Christ's body you were also called to live. And be thankful,appreciative, giving praise to God always".
Envisioning the role of an umpire helps tremendously in the analogy in this verse. Allowing the peace of Christ to rule,settle and decide with finality ALL the questions that arise in my mind,truly makes it a whole new ball game so to speak. My mind,emotions,fears,hopes,dreams all can cloud the vision of my daily life.But the "peace of God (in Christ), that passes all understanding" gives me another standard upon which to build my life.It ,as an umpire, calls the play by play action that ultimately can decide the outcome of the game,or my life as it were.
This has ,unbeknownst to me been happening for quite awhile now,in my life by the grace of God. I cannot bear to look at where life has me,my kids,our jobs,others I love...the world at large.It's scary and horrible and disheartening all at the same time.But somehow,daily and more often moment by given moment,I can sense His peace and that is enough.It takes me to a place I can live..and breathe..and have hope.Not in the tangible things of this world but in the world that I truly have a citizenship in..my Fathers Kingdom. I do not feel I have many bragging rights in this world. If I measure myself by my looks,or my occupation,my wealth or status...many other things I cannot even think of..as the kids say now EPIC FAIL. As I continue on this road of "walking by faith and not by sight" I see things that are really more real than my own reality.
It is because of this that I continue to cry Abba Father.That I continue to look inward and then upward from where my strength comes from...That I continue to confess my pride,and weaknesses and deluded dreams and hopes to the One who Alone has the Knowledge and ability to renew my mind and thus change my heart,my vision.To Him be all the glory. Forever. And today in another inning of this game called Life.
Thursday, June 14, 2012
It's A Boy !
Today is my youngest,and my only sons birthday. It seems impossible that he can be 29 already.I remember every detail as if it was yesterday. The excitement as I showered and got ready to leave for the hospital, mixed with the sadness of having to leave my baby girl Mandy behind ,without me. The wondering how this delivery would go compared to Mandy's. After all I did look like the BLIMP and he was predicted to be quite big. That could be a possible C-section and I did not want that. I knew God was in control. I'd voiced these concerns to Him already.He'd be with me on this day as He was on every other one.
Arriving at the hospital, and walking in I became more uncomfortable...and rather quickly. I stopped to breathe and manage the pain.Ray asked if I was okay.I believe I snarled at him.They got me settled quickly and soon found I was already at 9 centimeters. Not a surprise.My doctor had warned me to get to the hospital quickly with my second baby...My first baby came in 5 hours. Then there was a scurry of people and talk of a C-section...the baby was very big...blah blah.
They told me "not" to push as several of them left the room for a minute. I told the Lord "I can't have a c-section Lord. I have no one to help me with this baby and my little Boo at home. Please let this work."
Ryan Michael Paterson was born at 6:04 am on June 14,1983.A Flag day baby. He was almost 10 pounds and the nurses kept saying "He's the biggest baby in the nursery." He was born completely naturally and pretty fast at that. I was ecstatic.I had a son now, with a Big Sister at home.How amazingly blessed I felt. A little girl and a baby boy to love and raise. And this baby boy actually looked like me.That was a shock after Mandy's birth...she so resembled her daddy . In fact Ray was taken back because Ryan looked so different.It became kind of a joke at first. But inside of me it was crazy.Here was a babyface looking back at me that actually reminded me of me.Growing up without parents and family around I had a sense of no identity for a long while. Having Mandy began the healing process.It continued with Ryan and his resembling me so much.How good and loving of the Lord to do that.He alone knew those feelings I had inside.I never told anyone that. But in His infinite wisdom and grace He was healing parts of me little by little.
I acted like a crazy woman after Ryan was born.Whenever I heard nurses talking about that "BIG" baby in the nursery I would shout out "He's my son". "That big baby is my son". "I have a son". I laugh now because that's not really like my personality.I do not like to draw attention to myself. But that day ,in that moment I was unlike me. I was totally captivated by this new human being that had entered my world and my heart.
As I remember that day I am so grateful for my sons entrance into my life.He and his sister were like a healing balm to my life.So much of the time, as I was teaching them and pouring life into them...they were actually healing and teaching me.Instruments sent straight from my Heavenly Father to do a work only He knew had to be done.And in His perfect way He accomplished that through two little angels named Mandy and Ryan.
So Happy Birthday my boy.May you rejoice in the day of your birth and in all the blessings our Lord has bestowed upon you.Know this ;"I'll love you forever,I'll like you for always,As long as I'm living,my baby you'll be."
Songs to Sing While Running Home to Daddys Arms
This explains all I felt yesterday as I floundered in my spirit. How precious the flickering flame of the Holy Spirit that keeps me connected and shines Light into my darkness as I stumble. How great to be wrapped in His arms of love and forgiveness and hope once again.
Wednesday, June 13, 2012
I Trust You God ...Now Hurry Up
" And let us not lose heart and grow weary and faint in acting nobly and doing right; for in due time and at the appointed season we shall reap, if we do not loosen and relax our courage and faint." Galatians 6 : 9
I am preaching to ME today. I am faint of heart and weary.Beyond that I am frustrated and even bothered that God's Word has an admonition I should follow and obey concerning my being weary and losing heart.
I just want to sink into my pity party of" life is not all I hoped it would be".That's productive....not.
I got into the car after work and cried."I'm sick of this Lord." Then I called Ray and continued to show him how" pleased" I was with life today. It was a short exchange.I knew in the griping I was seeing what my enemy wanted me to see. I even said out loud "I don't want to hear what God's gonna do in the sweet bye and bye". I'm just tired and fed up.Tired of clinging to promises. Even though the Promise Maker always keeps His Word...even when I cannot see it. And even on days like today at this moment when I'm feeling so "righteous" that I dare NOT see it .At the moment that my spirit begins to surrender ,my flesh and all its anguish, fueled by my rage and "setting the record straight" is suddenly derailed and I begin to weep, as I cry out to the Lord that I am sorry for running with my hurt feelings and demanding He STOP this stuff and ANSWER my prayers.
Another verse popped into my head. Are you familiar with the one about "mans heart being desperately wicked?" It also states that our hearts are all about deceiving or tricking us. What better example do I need than my emotions of this day? God is a total gentleman. He allowed me to run with all my strength into complete depression, at my inability to continue to trust Him. To rant about how done with all of this I was.This got me nowhere except filled with anger and despair.What a destination.
After hours of misery,and a quite justified feeling that I was quite accurate in my assessment of Gods "not coming through" quickly enough ,or removing the Cross He asks me to willingly carry in order to follow Him daily...I came to the end of myself,my emotions and anger.As Ray and I began our devotional time,I could feel my lips tremble as I said the words "God" to begin my prayer. In my heart and mind I processed not daring to speak the word "Lord" because I fully knew I had been the lord of my life all day up to that point.
As I opened my mouth and my heart, the tears began to flow and that little girl voice spoke to my daddy God.I was sorry for failing again...not believing Him...getting sick and tired of waiting. I do not get it Lord.But again I surrender to You.It's the only way to make it through . Your grace is enough.
I am preaching to ME today. I am faint of heart and weary.Beyond that I am frustrated and even bothered that God's Word has an admonition I should follow and obey concerning my being weary and losing heart.
I just want to sink into my pity party of" life is not all I hoped it would be".That's productive....not.
I got into the car after work and cried."I'm sick of this Lord." Then I called Ray and continued to show him how" pleased" I was with life today. It was a short exchange.I knew in the griping I was seeing what my enemy wanted me to see. I even said out loud "I don't want to hear what God's gonna do in the sweet bye and bye". I'm just tired and fed up.Tired of clinging to promises. Even though the Promise Maker always keeps His Word...even when I cannot see it. And even on days like today at this moment when I'm feeling so "righteous" that I dare NOT see it .At the moment that my spirit begins to surrender ,my flesh and all its anguish, fueled by my rage and "setting the record straight" is suddenly derailed and I begin to weep, as I cry out to the Lord that I am sorry for running with my hurt feelings and demanding He STOP this stuff and ANSWER my prayers.
Another verse popped into my head. Are you familiar with the one about "mans heart being desperately wicked?" It also states that our hearts are all about deceiving or tricking us. What better example do I need than my emotions of this day? God is a total gentleman. He allowed me to run with all my strength into complete depression, at my inability to continue to trust Him. To rant about how done with all of this I was.This got me nowhere except filled with anger and despair.What a destination.
After hours of misery,and a quite justified feeling that I was quite accurate in my assessment of Gods "not coming through" quickly enough ,or removing the Cross He asks me to willingly carry in order to follow Him daily...I came to the end of myself,my emotions and anger.As Ray and I began our devotional time,I could feel my lips tremble as I said the words "God" to begin my prayer. In my heart and mind I processed not daring to speak the word "Lord" because I fully knew I had been the lord of my life all day up to that point.
As I opened my mouth and my heart, the tears began to flow and that little girl voice spoke to my daddy God.I was sorry for failing again...not believing Him...getting sick and tired of waiting. I do not get it Lord.But again I surrender to You.It's the only way to make it through . Your grace is enough.
Tuesday, June 12, 2012
Forgiveness: Up Close and Personal
" And become useful and helpful and kind to one another, tenderhearted, compassionate, understanding, loving-hearted ;forgiving one another readily and freely as God in Christ forgave you." Ephesians 4 : 32
As I read this Scripture I was clobbered over the head by the phrase "readily and freely" as it pertained to forgiveness. As one who has had to forgive much,as well as be forgiven much I thought I had a pretty good handle on this.Or at best I certainly strive to be in that position. However, upon reading this verse, those words "readily and freely" stood out like a billboard. And then just as God intends His Word to do ... it pierced my heart. "It is sharper than any two edged sword, penetrating to the dividing line of the breath of life, the soul, and the immortal spirit and of joints and marrow,of the deepest parts of our nature ,exposing and sifting and analyzing and judging the very thoughts and purposes of the heart." ( Hebrews 4 : 12 )
My intention is to follow Jesus and obey His Word. My ability to accomplish this is hampered by my flesh. I am forever grateful that God sees our hearts and remembers we are man. I have labored to be one who forgives.Not because I do not want to.I believe in forgiveness so deeply. And I have forgiven much throughout my life. The problem comes when the action needed to be forgiven takes me to the place emotionally where I have been deeply wounded or "scarred" before. I believe I have forgiven.I want to. I ask God to help me . But the pain of the past keeps reminding me of how much I don't want to feel this again. So it keeps coming back.Not continuously and unrelentingly.That would be too obvious and easy to deal with.It is subtle and sneaks up from behind you when you're already on with your day and forgotten. It comes at bedtime as you lay there alone...just you and your heart and the Lord. Or on the dark,early morning drive to work when you're trying to start the day out right by surrendering your day and your will to Gods purpose. Out of seemingly nowhere it shows up wanting to take residence in my emotions and destroy me once again. "For that enemy of yours,the devil, roams around like a lion roaring in fierce hunger seeking someone to seize upon and devour." 1 Peter 5 : 8 b
As I see the pitfalls of forgiveness for me more clearly I will be able, by the grace of God and the power of the Holy Spirit, to recover more quickly,to fight the good fight and be a more obedient child of God.
On a completely human and emotional level,prior to God bringing more Scripture to my heart and mind, I was captivated by those words "readily and freely" because of three very important people in my life. My husband Ray, my daughter Mandy, and my son Ryan. They have lived with me and my brokenness and pain. They have been both blessed by the loving, compassionate heart I feel towards them and wounded by the "pain of my history" that sometimes leaks out into very normal moments of life as they see it; but upon which I have no "normal" frame of reference. The price was never theirs to pay for the "cloak of shame and pain" I wear as a survivor of abuse.They paid it by choosing to love me and by Gods sovereign Hand upon their lives as well.
The forgiveness they have offered me has been "readily and freely". When I overreact because I love them and start to feel abandoned or not remembered or cherished;They forgive. When I leave a room to gather my feelings or stop the tears from flowing,they may become annoyed, but ultimately they forgive. When they hear me say things I would never say to anyone else because I'm the "nice,Christian lady",they forgive. When I come to them ,humbly and contrite of spirit,owning my failings and sin,they forgive. AGAIN.
I want to be more like them,my beloved family. I want to forgive,readily and freely. I love them with words I cannot find. I love them with emotions captured only by endless tears. I thank my God who made them "mine" on this earth. My first family.The only family I've ever known or had. Because of that blessing to me,it has probably seemed like a curse for them at times.But they have carried it in ways that I know very little of because they have been readily and freely forgiving me.Always.
As I read this Scripture I was clobbered over the head by the phrase "readily and freely" as it pertained to forgiveness. As one who has had to forgive much,as well as be forgiven much I thought I had a pretty good handle on this.Or at best I certainly strive to be in that position. However, upon reading this verse, those words "readily and freely" stood out like a billboard. And then just as God intends His Word to do ... it pierced my heart. "It is sharper than any two edged sword, penetrating to the dividing line of the breath of life, the soul, and the immortal spirit and of joints and marrow,of the deepest parts of our nature ,exposing and sifting and analyzing and judging the very thoughts and purposes of the heart." ( Hebrews 4 : 12 )
My intention is to follow Jesus and obey His Word. My ability to accomplish this is hampered by my flesh. I am forever grateful that God sees our hearts and remembers we are man. I have labored to be one who forgives.Not because I do not want to.I believe in forgiveness so deeply. And I have forgiven much throughout my life. The problem comes when the action needed to be forgiven takes me to the place emotionally where I have been deeply wounded or "scarred" before. I believe I have forgiven.I want to. I ask God to help me . But the pain of the past keeps reminding me of how much I don't want to feel this again. So it keeps coming back.Not continuously and unrelentingly.That would be too obvious and easy to deal with.It is subtle and sneaks up from behind you when you're already on with your day and forgotten. It comes at bedtime as you lay there alone...just you and your heart and the Lord. Or on the dark,early morning drive to work when you're trying to start the day out right by surrendering your day and your will to Gods purpose. Out of seemingly nowhere it shows up wanting to take residence in my emotions and destroy me once again. "For that enemy of yours,the devil, roams around like a lion roaring in fierce hunger seeking someone to seize upon and devour." 1 Peter 5 : 8 b
As I see the pitfalls of forgiveness for me more clearly I will be able, by the grace of God and the power of the Holy Spirit, to recover more quickly,to fight the good fight and be a more obedient child of God.
On a completely human and emotional level,prior to God bringing more Scripture to my heart and mind, I was captivated by those words "readily and freely" because of three very important people in my life. My husband Ray, my daughter Mandy, and my son Ryan. They have lived with me and my brokenness and pain. They have been both blessed by the loving, compassionate heart I feel towards them and wounded by the "pain of my history" that sometimes leaks out into very normal moments of life as they see it; but upon which I have no "normal" frame of reference. The price was never theirs to pay for the "cloak of shame and pain" I wear as a survivor of abuse.They paid it by choosing to love me and by Gods sovereign Hand upon their lives as well.
The forgiveness they have offered me has been "readily and freely". When I overreact because I love them and start to feel abandoned or not remembered or cherished;They forgive. When I leave a room to gather my feelings or stop the tears from flowing,they may become annoyed, but ultimately they forgive. When they hear me say things I would never say to anyone else because I'm the "nice,Christian lady",they forgive. When I come to them ,humbly and contrite of spirit,owning my failings and sin,they forgive. AGAIN.
I want to be more like them,my beloved family. I want to forgive,readily and freely. I love them with words I cannot find. I love them with emotions captured only by endless tears. I thank my God who made them "mine" on this earth. My first family.The only family I've ever known or had. Because of that blessing to me,it has probably seemed like a curse for them at times.But they have carried it in ways that I know very little of because they have been readily and freely forgiving me.Always.
Sunday, June 10, 2012
Audrey Assad - Breaking You (Live)
This song speaks boldly to my wounded soul and my ever being renewed and restored spirit,as well as my body that carries the debris and remains of poor decision making that result from being physically, sexually, and emotionally abused the greater portions of my life until the age of 17.
It was then that "Help was on His way", and I met Christ. I went into my relationship with Him knowing I needed forgiveness.The overwhelming shame I carried and buried told me that loud and clear. It would take decades for me to understand that I indeed needed His forgiveness and salvation to enter His Kingdom, and thrive in the New Life He offered me,while at the same time I learned that this sense of "shame" was a cloak handed down to me by those who had sinned against me. In my Savior's eyes these were not one and the same. Together as we have walked these 40 years,He has shown me the difference.
Oswald Chambers wrote in My Utmost for His Highest that people often think we go through things in life to "learn" something. He also said God often takes us through things to "unlearn" something. My journey has been filled with both certainly.I thank God for His amazing grace and faithfulness to me that has continually drawn me to Him and to His undoing of that which was done to me, while at the same time reclaiming me;Spirit,Soul and Body .The undoing comes as I present myself to Him just as I am. This is not always or often a pretty presentation. That is okay with Him. He loved me in my sin before I ever knew Him. He died for me while I was in my sin and not even caring that He existed. He called me to Himself with a purpose and a plan.
It is in discovering the difference of "learning" and "unlearning" that I become more free every day. It is not a race.It is a journey, a walk in grace with the One who not only created me but saved me and has a purpose in all He has allowed to sift through His Hands and into my experience called Life.
"But on the contrary,as the Scripture says,What eye has not seen and ear has not heard and has not entered into the heart of man; all that God has prepared,made and keeps ready for those who love Him and who hold Him in affectionate reverence,promptly obeying Him and gratefully recognizing the benefits He has bestowed." 2 Corinthians 2: 9
Opening the Door
"We have to maintain our soul open to the fact of God's creative purpose, and not muddle it with our own intentions. The purpose for which the missionary is created is that he may be God's servant, one in whom God is glorified. Beware lest you forget God's purpose for your life." Oswald Chambers, My Utmost for His HighestFor years, my children and a few friends have suggested that I should write. It was easy to pass it off to them, the writing that is, because my children are really intelligent, educated, and great writers. My daughter has a Masters in English and so I have assumed that "someday" she might "tell my story". After celebrating my 40th birthday in Christ two days ago, and sharing on Facebook my testimony of coming to the Lord and the journey it has been, I reconsidered this "writing" and sharing of my story myself. This morning after church I opened a devotional to read the above quote. It hit me that possibly God wants me to glorify Him by writing this blog.
I am afraid in a way to do this.I'm always afraid. Life has often been very frightening to me. However, I also know that I am one of the most courageous people I know. Fear and courage are not mutually exclusive. I am fully aware of them both residing in my being.I always have been.I had to be to survive. I thank God that He created me in His image and likeness and with a distinct purpose. He knew my every step and breath before it came to be.His Word says they were ordained for me. Knowing that and facing that has been both a blessing and a curse.
I call this blog "My Hiding Place" with a dual purpose. First, because I know more than ever before that Jesus my Savior is indeed my Hiding Place. He protects and surrounds me with His love, grace and faithfulness. Beyond that I want to invite Him into every corner of my existence. For most of my life this was not so. I actually would hide from Him when things got too painful, sad or confusing. I would then wait until I could pull it all together or ignore it or appear as if all was wonderful and tied up in a pretty pink bow before I would open myself up to Him again. That did not work nor was it ever supposed to be that way. After all, He says in His Word, "My ways are not your ways."
My Testimony
Written June 8, 2012, on my 40th birthday in Christ.
On June 8,1972, I realized I was lost, alone and empty inside. Others I knew at 17 thought their life was only beginning. I felt dead inside and had no hope for a future based upon my life thus far. I had never really been loved, wanted or valued. Not in the ways a child should be. However, I always pondered the question then WHY was I here? The experts at my birth said I would not survive. Babies that small do not make it.
I did.
In my desperation as a teen I drank a pint of vodka straight,slit my wrist and wandered into the ocean. I survived. A still small voice called out to me. "I love you. I'm here for you. I've always been with you." I remember thinking and saying inwardly, "Jesus, is that You?" Somehow I knew it was. From that moment on I have NEVER looked back. Stumbled? Yes. Struggled? Ye
He surrounded me with a beautiful Christian family, John and Suzy Cole from Hermosa Beach who took me in as a senior in High School and "parented" me both spiritually and practically.They taught me about stability, unconditional love and how to "receive" without feeling like I owed a debt. Once when I was struggling to try and make a bargain with Suzy of "all the housework I'd do to make up for something she was buying me," she said, "Kate, I want you to learn it now so you know how to receive from Jesus all He has for you. I'm afraid you will not get it if you don't stop trying to pay people back...even steven is not the way of grace." It took a long while but I got it.
The Coles gave Ray and me our Wedding reception. Not my parents or family. They remembered my birthday every year until they went Home to be with Jesus. Upon their passing I got an envelope of pictures of my children sent back to me from their daughter saying, 'My mom carried Mandy and Ryan's pictures in her wallet and told people they were her "other" grandchildren". Hands and Heart of the Living God making me new everyday of my Senior year in High school and beyond...
My girlfriend Jennie prayed with me at church camp that God would bring me a man who loved God...within the month, I met Raymond. A perfect marriage? No. Struggles like every couple and hard work? Yes. But a Perfect Union set in motion by the Creator of our Souls? Yes. The longer we are married the more I see His absolute meshing of the needs and desires of our hearts as we continue to allow Him to make us One. To be humbled by His love and grace and open to His healing in whatever ways He sees fit for He is the Potter...we are the clay. Creator vs. created. Getting that one more everyday.
The blessing of children is something one only gets when they have experienced it. The love,heartache,worry and devotion are merely a glimpse of what our Father feels towards us.That is eye opening and amazing because there is really nothing that captivates my heart and emotions more than those two people called Mandy or Boo and Ryan or My Boy. They entered a world to parents who by the worlds standards were "broken" but in the perfect world of love and grace and forgiveness made possible by relationships with the Savior, they saw miracles happen and I believe have not even scratched the surface of what God has prepared for them yet.
This is all that opening my eyes and heart to say "Jesus is that You?" brought into my life. These are the blessings I treasure and know came from Him. We have wonderful friends and you know who you are. Each one in God's perfect timing were brought into our hearts and lives. Although we have very little time to share ,the blessing and connection remains within and we love and appreciate you all and could not overlook that provision by God either.
Bottom line. I am not RELIGIOUS. I have a RELATIONSHIP that changed my life here on earth as well as my eternal destination. Often Ray and I talk about how our lives are not anywhere we pictured them at this point in our life. That is when we look to Him for our peace, our strength and our joy. What Jesus wants for us or to accomplish in and through us is exactly that, HIS CHOICE. As we continue to seek Him, surrender to His will and try to be Salt and Light in the places He's picked for us, we find a peace only He brings.
For many years in my relationship with God there were situations I faced where all my friends and family knew I would say, "The Lord and I aren't doing so well right now". Translation: I AM HIDING FROM YOU GOD, NOT SHARING MY LIFE, HEART, FEARS OR EMOTIONS WITH YOU. WHEN I GET THIS ALL CLEANED UP, WE CAN HANG OUT AGAIN. The best years of my life have been since I stopped HIDING from Him.
HE IS MY HIDING PLACE.
The joy I feel when I run to Him crying, breaking down, feeling afraid or ashamed and HE'S THERE. He always has been.
To God be the glory for being there that day in June when I could finally hear His voice and say "Jesus, is that You?"
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