As Father's Day approaches I feel sort of empty. On the one hand, I am happy to celebrate my husband, the father of my children and all he is. The other hand is full of how I perceive and experience and understand and relate to my Heavenly Father.Now that my hands are full up with these relationships ,I look into my heart and see the emptiness of having no real happy "my father" memories or feelings.
As I look on Facebook, I see many people posting wonderful, sincere sayings of loss in missing the fathers who have passed.As I see them I wish I felt that way or could. Unfortunately my response to my own fathers passing was that I had lost him decades before. In reality I never had him.After the relationship,or lack thereof that we had, was over and he was gone, I could not see it or feel it any other way.I saw peoples discomfort in my response to his death, but they had not lived my life. For one of the rare moments in my life with him, I actually was honest to myself and to others with that response.Their discomfort with my reality was interesting to me.It gave me more understanding of why people pretend, wear masks, drink, drug, sleep around, overeat, starve , overspend and the lists of addiction go on in the way people try to cope with the realities of life. And the most obvious one of all was recognizing peoples response to my own reality...of wanting to not see it or accept it or give it a voice or a face.To not hear the words I said in regards to his death,although it was one of my most honest statements ever, both to myself and the world at large. To act as if everything was perfectly okay while knowing that's not really how it is, not for everyone.I got it. Its hard to hear. Its also hard to live a lie.
For most of my life, my father was a pretend character in my heart.His alcoholism, his emotional and physical abandoning of me and absence period, kept me yearning for the fairy tale prince I imagined him to be. Because he was very handsome, and charming and funny, others saw him as attractive as well. I'm sure his lies of why his kids were not with him,made him the object of others sympathy. Being manipulative has its benefits.One can twist any story into a truth.Unfortunately that story,manipulation, and lie made my very existence a lie that I carried into my own heart and life for decades.
My Heavenly Father wrote a different story for me, His daughter. In this story ,there really is a Prince. That Prince gave His life for me ,that I might live forevermore.That Prince met me at the very place I was and accepted me and gave me New Life. That Prince gave me Peace in the midst of a chaotic life filled with doubt, and terror and no stability. That Prince gave me Healing and Hope to a heart broken by lies,manipulation and abandonment. That Prince said He would never leave me nor forsake me. That Prince said He wrote my name in His Book of Life that no one can erase. I have a Father, a Family and a Home: never to be taken away from me.
It is funny how we believe Fairy Tales sometimes but not the unerring Word of God. I am grateful that in His perfect Love my Heavenly Father, rewrote my story. I began to see the untruths in the fairy tale, while I slowly began to see the beautiful story in the ugly truths of my life. Wherever the real Prince shows up, there can be a fairy tale ending. I cling to this hope this day as I feel the sadness and emptiness of not really having a daddy. I look forward to seeing the Prince of Peace sitting at the right hand of my Heavenly Father. What an ending to this story that will be. "And she lived happily forever after."
" But on the contrary,as the Scripture says, What eye has not seen and ear has not heard and has not entered into the heart of man all that God has prepared (made and keeps ready) for those who love Him ( who hold Him in affectionate reverence,promptly obeying Him and gratefully recognizing the benefits He has bestowed)". 1 Corinthians 2:9
Saturday, June 15, 2013
Friday, June 14, 2013
A Son's Birthday. A Mothers Heart.Gods Definition of Love.
One year ago today I posted a JJ Heller song and wrote a
post celebrating my son's birthday. Here we are again getting ready to
celebrate his 30th birthday! And as God would have it, I have a new song by JJ
Heller that matches what God has been doing in my heart of late. It
completely captures what I have learned in the last year, being separated from
Ryan and Brenda, due to their re-location to Portland, and how that has been
used by God to grow me to be more like Him and to choose love, above everything
else.
Paul writes in 1Corinthians 13: 4-8, the
following. "Love endures
long and is patient and kind; love never is envious nor boils over with
jealousy, is not boastful or vainglorious,does not display itself haughtily. It
is not conceited (arrogant and inflated with pride); it is not rude(unmannerly)
and does not act unbecomingly. Love(God's love in us) does not insist on its
own rights or its own way,for it is not self seeking; it is not touchy or
fretful or resentful; it takes no account of the evil done to it(it pays no
attention to a suffered wrong). It does not rejoice at injustice and
unrighteousness, but rejoices when right and truth prevail.Love bears up under
anything and everything that comes, is ever ready to believe the best of every
person,its hopes are fadeless under all circumstances, and it endures
everything(without weakening). Love never fails(never fades out or becomes
obsolete or comes to an end).
Clearly as one reads this definition of
Love, it seems overwhelming to grasp the depth of it and impossible to imagine
doing it. Or better yet, lets make this personal and make I statements. I love what
it says. I would love to love this way. I am a human being, a sinner saved
by God's grace and I have a better chance of doing the exact opposite of all of
these than I do, of actually loving like this. BUT GOD!
It is because of what God's grace has done in my heart and life that I desire to love this way.It is because of the forgiveness of my transgressions and continual failures, that I am able to fathom love like this. It is because of the continued efforts and drawings of the Holy Spirit's work in my life that I even consider choosing to love in this manner. And that, combined with the God given gift of love that a parent has for her child,that has made me able to desire this choice.
This past year has been difficult at times, and an adjustment of the heart and mind at all times.Transformation is a better word choice. I can adapt and adjust all day long, but it is only by God's transforming power and my surrender to His will that I can truly have any measure of success. Philippians 4:13 states " I have strength for all things in Christ Who empowers me (I am ready for anything and equal to anything through Him Who infuses inner strength into me;I am self sufficient in Christ's sufficiency). It is only through Him that I can do this thing of choosing love.
My mothers heart misses all that I hoped we would share. My mothers heart yearns to have more time, and quality time together, because I know time flies by and we will never pass this way again.My mothers heart had a vision of what would be and this was never part of it.My mothers heart has felt broken too many times to count and tears have been my continual companion.The enemy has come often to "kill , steal and destroy" as he paints ugly tales that trigger my emotions from years of loss, abandonment and abuse.
However in the midst of all the loneliness, what if's and trying desperately to harden my heart and "not care" to mask the pain...the love that I feel and have felt for my child for 30 years and nine months prior to his birth,floods over me and reminds me I am a mother. The job description from the beginning is one of a host or servant.
Initially I am there to provide the womb in which this being can grow; providing nourishment,protection and the breath of life as deemed by our Creator, in the miracle of pregnancy. As labor and delivery approach I again determine to do what is best for this my child. I buckle down and do the work it takes to bring him safely and lovingly into this world and my waiting arms, no matter how long or difficult the process, and despite the pain. Upon first meeting him, outside my body, and now warm and full in my arms, I look
into his innocence and determine to do all I can,always, to show him I love him and to be who I am called to be in his life. His mother.
So it is from the beginning; this relationship of chosen in equality. Although we are both independent beings, the ties that bind us are forever fused in this,my mothers heart. There is nothing I can do to stop it and praise God, even if I could, I would choose not to.
In just the tiniest way, here in my flesh, I get to experience a dot and shadow of the outstanding measure of the love of God. Together with His help and grace and creative powers I get to mirror His love to both myself and my child.I get to give unselfishly, to place his needs above and beyond my own, to be committed in ways unimagineable, and to forever choose love, whatever and however that may play itself out. No matter how it feels. This kind of love is not based on feelings. It is a choice.
So on we go, my boy and I. His journey has taken him beyond my arms reach on this his 30th birthday. It is with a grateful heart that I reflect on his birth, his childhood and his growing into manhood. He has always held me captive with his deep brown eyes and in them I see a part of me that I never saw in anyone else. We are family. He is bone of my bone and flesh of my flesh.
I will choose love. I will set the standard based on Gods Word and definition, not my up and down feelings,reactions or responses. Not on my dreams or expectations interrupted or unfulfilled. I can choose the higher ground. I can choose the model of my Savior, who came to show us His Fathers Way of love.
JJ Heller's lyrics paint a beautiful picture of both Gods love towards us and His model for us to emulate to those we love.We can be this and do this by His grace and redemptive power. We can do this by submitting and surrendering. We can do this by choosing love.
So today I say to my son, my boy. Happy Thirtieth Birthday!
"If you fall, I fall with you. If you hurt I feel it too. Even if my heart turns black and blue.
I will love you.
My mothers heart misses all that I hoped we would share. My mothers heart yearns to have more time, and quality time together, because I know time flies by and we will never pass this way again.My mothers heart had a vision of what would be and this was never part of it.My mothers heart has felt broken too many times to count and tears have been my continual companion.The enemy has come often to "kill , steal and destroy" as he paints ugly tales that trigger my emotions from years of loss, abandonment and abuse.
However in the midst of all the loneliness, what if's and trying desperately to harden my heart and "not care" to mask the pain...the love that I feel and have felt for my child for 30 years and nine months prior to his birth,floods over me and reminds me I am a mother. The job description from the beginning is one of a host or servant.
Initially I am there to provide the womb in which this being can grow; providing nourishment,protection and the breath of life as deemed by our Creator, in the miracle of pregnancy. As labor and delivery approach I again determine to do what is best for this my child. I buckle down and do the work it takes to bring him safely and lovingly into this world and my waiting arms, no matter how long or difficult the process, and despite the pain. Upon first meeting him, outside my body, and now warm and full in my arms, I look
into his innocence and determine to do all I can,always, to show him I love him and to be who I am called to be in his life. His mother.
So it is from the beginning; this relationship of chosen in equality. Although we are both independent beings, the ties that bind us are forever fused in this,my mothers heart. There is nothing I can do to stop it and praise God, even if I could, I would choose not to.
In just the tiniest way, here in my flesh, I get to experience a dot and shadow of the outstanding measure of the love of God. Together with His help and grace and creative powers I get to mirror His love to both myself and my child.I get to give unselfishly, to place his needs above and beyond my own, to be committed in ways unimagineable, and to forever choose love, whatever and however that may play itself out. No matter how it feels. This kind of love is not based on feelings. It is a choice.
So on we go, my boy and I. His journey has taken him beyond my arms reach on this his 30th birthday. It is with a grateful heart that I reflect on his birth, his childhood and his growing into manhood. He has always held me captive with his deep brown eyes and in them I see a part of me that I never saw in anyone else. We are family. He is bone of my bone and flesh of my flesh.
I will choose love. I will set the standard based on Gods Word and definition, not my up and down feelings,reactions or responses. Not on my dreams or expectations interrupted or unfulfilled. I can choose the higher ground. I can choose the model of my Savior, who came to show us His Fathers Way of love.
JJ Heller's lyrics paint a beautiful picture of both Gods love towards us and His model for us to emulate to those we love.We can be this and do this by His grace and redemptive power. We can do this by submitting and surrendering. We can do this by choosing love.
So today I say to my son, my boy. Happy Thirtieth Birthday!
"If you fall, I fall with you. If you hurt I feel it too. Even if my heart turns black and blue.
I will love you.
Monday, June 10, 2013
Mocha. Chocolate Lab. Unconditional Love and Acceptance.Blessing and Gift from Gods Hand.
Today is our Chocolate Lab, Mocha's ,10th birthday. What a joy she has been to us from the beginning. Initially we purchased her, after having to put our Mini Dachshund, Maverick to sleep. As all pet owners know, getting a new one to love never replaces the one you just lost. It does however help fill the heart, and generally keep you busy, as you move on with a new puppy, in our case.
Mocha, had two black sisters, whom I found very cute as well. However it was a given we would walk out with the chocolate girl. Ray set his sight on her and it never changed. She was very pretty and very soft, but she was also the most aloof of the puppies. She was kind of a loner too. She would come over to us, play for a minute then walk away.But Ray was set on this bundle of chocolate Lab. All in all, I didn't really care. She was cute, her sisters were cute, and I just wanted my heart to stop aching from having lost our Little Shop, Maverick. I knew whatever puppy we picked, we would soon love her.
Obviously, the adjustment to a new puppy kept me busy. Shortly after we got her, we had our vacation start as well. This gave us long days to spend with her and to get to know her. She remained a little stand offish at times , and then out of nowhere she would become our best pal. She was timid at times as well. None of these characteristics were ones we had really ever encountered in puppies we'd had over 30+ years of having pets. It kind of freaked me out. I was afraid she would never bond with us or feel close as all our other puppies had done almost immediately.After all, I was looking to fill the void the loss of Maverick had caused. I already loved Mocha, but at times her aloof spirit did not spell out love to me.
In time, and as we invested into her little life, Mocha became a wonderful pet. We took her through lots of obedience training in the hopes of doing therapy work with her. Due to time constraints and work schedules, the therapy work never panned out, but she is a very obedient ,trustworthy ,loyal girl.She walked into our hearts and then curled up in a little ball where she remains our constant companion and love.
Ten years has gone by. The memories of Maverick remain near in heart, but the loss of him has been covered over with new feelings and memories. The aloof and timid puppy has become a loving and attentive family member.She guards our home with her loud barks. She fills our hearts with her big brown eyes that stare us down at walk time.She fills our every space with her Lab body as she squeezes in to lay as close as possible to those she loves.She makes us laugh as mealtime approaches and each time its as if its her first one.And then there are just those times when you look , and realize that time is marching on. Ray said to Mocha the other day "Hey girl, can you hang around forever?" He then looked at me with the beginnings of tears in his eyes, which made me cry too.
We all know the answer to that. But until we have to face it we will continue to love, and spoil her at every chance given. She will be there,like she always is. Accepting whatever walks, hugs or treats are made available and loving us all the same if none was offered. This is the love and the bond between dog and master.
So today I say Happy Birthday Mocha. You are a gift from God. How often your unconditional love and forgiveness reflect His character in you ,His creation. Its only a glimpse, but what a glimpse it is.
"Who teaches us more than the beasts of the earth and makes us wiser than the birds of the Heavens?"
Job 35:11
Mocha, had two black sisters, whom I found very cute as well. However it was a given we would walk out with the chocolate girl. Ray set his sight on her and it never changed. She was very pretty and very soft, but she was also the most aloof of the puppies. She was kind of a loner too. She would come over to us, play for a minute then walk away.But Ray was set on this bundle of chocolate Lab. All in all, I didn't really care. She was cute, her sisters were cute, and I just wanted my heart to stop aching from having lost our Little Shop, Maverick. I knew whatever puppy we picked, we would soon love her.
Obviously, the adjustment to a new puppy kept me busy. Shortly after we got her, we had our vacation start as well. This gave us long days to spend with her and to get to know her. She remained a little stand offish at times , and then out of nowhere she would become our best pal. She was timid at times as well. None of these characteristics were ones we had really ever encountered in puppies we'd had over 30+ years of having pets. It kind of freaked me out. I was afraid she would never bond with us or feel close as all our other puppies had done almost immediately.After all, I was looking to fill the void the loss of Maverick had caused. I already loved Mocha, but at times her aloof spirit did not spell out love to me.
In time, and as we invested into her little life, Mocha became a wonderful pet. We took her through lots of obedience training in the hopes of doing therapy work with her. Due to time constraints and work schedules, the therapy work never panned out, but she is a very obedient ,trustworthy ,loyal girl.She walked into our hearts and then curled up in a little ball where she remains our constant companion and love.
Ten years has gone by. The memories of Maverick remain near in heart, but the loss of him has been covered over with new feelings and memories. The aloof and timid puppy has become a loving and attentive family member.She guards our home with her loud barks. She fills our hearts with her big brown eyes that stare us down at walk time.She fills our every space with her Lab body as she squeezes in to lay as close as possible to those she loves.She makes us laugh as mealtime approaches and each time its as if its her first one.And then there are just those times when you look , and realize that time is marching on. Ray said to Mocha the other day "Hey girl, can you hang around forever?" He then looked at me with the beginnings of tears in his eyes, which made me cry too.
We all know the answer to that. But until we have to face it we will continue to love, and spoil her at every chance given. She will be there,like she always is. Accepting whatever walks, hugs or treats are made available and loving us all the same if none was offered. This is the love and the bond between dog and master.
So today I say Happy Birthday Mocha. You are a gift from God. How often your unconditional love and forgiveness reflect His character in you ,His creation. Its only a glimpse, but what a glimpse it is.
"Who teaches us more than the beasts of the earth and makes us wiser than the birds of the Heavens?"
Job 35:11
Saturday, June 8, 2013
Saturdays In a New Mindset
Just have a minute to sit and write. It is Saturday and most of my chores are done. That is in part ,because I cut myself some slack today and gave myself some grace.
My house is not being shown on HGTV. It does not have to meet anyone's standards but mine and my husband's. As long as it is clean enough is okay. It is not a showplace or palace. It is the place we come to rest, to gather together with loved ones,to relax and enjoy what our labor has provided for us. It is Home Sweet Home.
How big or small my home is does not matter. How perfect it appears does not matter. If I am happy and content and comfortable and feel "at home" here is all that matters. For many years (decades), I worried about these things. Not consciously. But these ideas or ideals, that the world projects, kept me imprisoned to what I "should do." And if I did not "do them", I felt guilt, or got "witchy and uptight" ruining what little down time I had.
Thank God for His grace and His ability to change and transform us. From the inside out.
God's ways seem backwards in the eyes of the world. The world looks at the outside and judges. As long as everything "looks" or "appears" okay it is. God looks at the heart of things...the reality of what's up, and provides His graciousness to fill in the blanks. What a gift that is.
What's up is, my house is clean but not perfect. What's up is I'm finally okay with that at 58 years old. What's up is that God looks upon my heart and rejoices that I am in communion with Him. What's up is that I too am rejoicing in that. I take my joy and pride today, in the fact that I am learning what's really important.
Paul says in Philippians 3:1, "For the rest, my brethren, delight yourselves in the Lord, and continue to rejoice that you are in Him..Yes, furthermore count everything as loss compared to the possession of the priceless privilege (the overwhelming preciousness, the surpassing worth and supreme advantage) of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord, and of progressively becoming more deeply and intimately acquainted with Him ( of perceiving and recognizing and understanding Him more fully and clearly.)
Letting go of my ways and becoming more clear on His ways is a good thing.
My house is not being shown on HGTV. It does not have to meet anyone's standards but mine and my husband's. As long as it is clean enough is okay. It is not a showplace or palace. It is the place we come to rest, to gather together with loved ones,to relax and enjoy what our labor has provided for us. It is Home Sweet Home.
How big or small my home is does not matter. How perfect it appears does not matter. If I am happy and content and comfortable and feel "at home" here is all that matters. For many years (decades), I worried about these things. Not consciously. But these ideas or ideals, that the world projects, kept me imprisoned to what I "should do." And if I did not "do them", I felt guilt, or got "witchy and uptight" ruining what little down time I had.
Thank God for His grace and His ability to change and transform us. From the inside out.
God's ways seem backwards in the eyes of the world. The world looks at the outside and judges. As long as everything "looks" or "appears" okay it is. God looks at the heart of things...the reality of what's up, and provides His graciousness to fill in the blanks. What a gift that is.
What's up is, my house is clean but not perfect. What's up is I'm finally okay with that at 58 years old. What's up is that God looks upon my heart and rejoices that I am in communion with Him. What's up is that I too am rejoicing in that. I take my joy and pride today, in the fact that I am learning what's really important.
Paul says in Philippians 3:1, "For the rest, my brethren, delight yourselves in the Lord, and continue to rejoice that you are in Him..Yes, furthermore count everything as loss compared to the possession of the priceless privilege (the overwhelming preciousness, the surpassing worth and supreme advantage) of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord, and of progressively becoming more deeply and intimately acquainted with Him ( of perceiving and recognizing and understanding Him more fully and clearly.)
Letting go of my ways and becoming more clear on His ways is a good thing.
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