Today is the day Rays' Union votes on accepting the contract or walking out and striking. This has been an ongoing concern,but not panic, for months.It is so rewarding that I can write the words "concern ,not panic". It is like a measuring stick of my relationship of trust in the Lord. To see that trust,growth and dependence upon Him steadily climbing makes my heart sing and spurs me on to a greater and deeper relationship with Him.Isaiah 41:10 says " Fear not, there is nothing to fear, for I am with you; do not look around in terror and be dismayed,for I am your God. I will strengthen and harden you to difficulties,yes I will help you; yes I will hold you up and retain you with My victorious right hand of rightness and justice."
To be concerned shows that I am aware. That I live in this flesh, here on this earth , where bills have to be paid and groceries must be purchased.Gas must be put into vehicles that transport us to jobs providing the means of supporting those needs.Our Mocha and" The Boys" look to us to provide that kibble in the bowl that is always there each day. Our home, although we feel was given to us by God, still has a mortgage that has to be paid. The bank does not really care if we go on strike or not. These realities drive the concern.
The panic is driven by other things. Things from my past that formed how I perceive the safety of the world and people around me.Things that led me to not only doubt those who were my caretakers, but to fear them as well. Things that tell me when it looks like it's okay, don't really trust that. Be prepared. The rug will be pulled out from under you. Life is not safe and everything and everyone are to be feared, or at the least, not trusted.
Juggling these two emotions as a child of God has been difficult for me.Balancing the obvious realities of life in the flesh, while at the same time, trusting in the living God and looking to Him has been a learning process. My examples of authority,leadership,and even the basics of care giving towards me were minimal at best. Therefore I have struggled with trust in my relationship with my Heavenly Father. I didn't want to.I didn't choose to.It is a by product of the life I was given.
However, in His amazing ways and by His grace and faithfulness to me , He continues to teach me and show me that He is the better,perfect Father. He allows my fears to be there just enough time to remind me that He "will never leave me nor forsake me." He allows the pain of that insecurity to surface just long enough to remind me that in His Word He tells me "Fear not..for I am with you..I am your God."
Somehow in these 40 years of walking with Him, I am finally trusting more...running back to Him faster...relying on Him in every situation,not just those I deem appropriate. Somehow I am believing He is "for me and not against me."Somehow I am believing those words "I have loved you with an everlasting love;therefore with loving kindness I have drawn you." (Jeremiah 31:3 ) The knee jerk reaction is initially still the same .Doubt. Fear. But more quickly now and ever so gently, my hearts response has become one of breaking immediately in the presence of such overwhelming love and grace and faithfulness.I cannot retreat .I must surrender and bow down before my Lord and my God.He is my Refuge. He is My Hiding Place.He is the Lifter of my head.
What I have learned in these past few weeks surrounding the strike threat,is that I do not do life perfectly.I do not do faith perfectly.I do not walk with my God perfectly.And that's okay and perfectly understandable because I am not perfect. I do however, have the perfect Father God who knows and loves me.He accepts me in His Beloved. He is patient and kind .He sees the best in me and believes the best for me.I am allowed to stumble and He picks me up.Never, ever is He the cruel,unloving parent I expect.He continually showers me with an abundance of acceptance and love I never knew and often do not know how to receive. But I'm getting there.Steadily.
Micah 6: 8 states "He has showed you,oh man,what is good. And what does the Lord require of you but to do justly, and to love kindness and mercy, and to humble yourself and walk humbly with your God?"
I am learning to give kindness and mercy to myself ,instead of ridicule, constant condemnation, and a standard of perfection.. As I humble myself and walk with Him I am seeing the good. The good in depending upon Him.The good in not beating myself up.The good in "every word that proceeds from the mouth of God" and by which I measure my course in this life.The good that comes from the admonishment to "taste and see that the Lord is good". The good that "I am my Beloveds and He is mine."
What an incredible privilege to walk with the One who has said He is with me and He is my God. And what a delight to know He never lies and keeps His Word,therefore I can wait and it will happen...whatever He said. " God is not a man that He should lie.." (Numbers 23:19 )
Sunday, July 29, 2012
Wednesday, July 18, 2012
Rescued!
It has been a while since I last wrote. Things in life have kept me in a place where it is taking all of God's grace and lots of my own effort to keep my mind on God's Word and my eyes on Jesus, the Author and Finisher of my faith.
Despite the trying times or moments of confusion or doubt that circle around my brain, I have the Holy Spirit holding me together in my inward parts, and that is amazing to know and live in its truth. Although I still often become fearful initially, it is wonderful to see that as I look to my heavenly Father, those fears are dispelled and His peace takes residence within me. I know in my intellect that "nothing" has changed and yet somehow "everything" has.
Just as when Jesus walked physically on this earth and touched people's lives through healing them or casting out a demon, we too can experience His touch that makes life different in the moment and often for our lifetime. Repeatedly through my walk with Christ, there have been times when His just being there has made profound changes and adjustments to my life view and feelings. There is NO explanation except the presence of God entering an open heart full of need.
It is lovely to see the changes He brings about as we surrender to Him and allow Him to work and re-work our thought patterns and make us new, transforming us through His Word and in moments of grace where He just does something in us; how out of nowhere a Word comes to us that we don't really know but it's alive in our spirits floating around and at just the correct moment He brings it to us like a sip of cold water on a scorchingly hot summer afternoon. Refreshment. Clearheadedness. New vision.
This is the life of walking with the One, the true and living God. Just as in our relationships with closest family or friends, there are those times. We all have had them. We feel so close and united and hopeful, bonded in a very precious way and filled with love. The tears fall freely.
This was the day I had yesterday with my God.
Nothing in my fleshly world has changed. Life is still up in the air with many unanswered questions and some seemingly unanswered prayers. However Hope came and filled my empty soul, And Hope is like a "floatie." It makes the waters seem far less dangerous and the journey more relaxing.
So here I am in my "floatie" walking alongside my Savior...and we all know He walks on water.
Despite the trying times or moments of confusion or doubt that circle around my brain, I have the Holy Spirit holding me together in my inward parts, and that is amazing to know and live in its truth. Although I still often become fearful initially, it is wonderful to see that as I look to my heavenly Father, those fears are dispelled and His peace takes residence within me. I know in my intellect that "nothing" has changed and yet somehow "everything" has.
Just as when Jesus walked physically on this earth and touched people's lives through healing them or casting out a demon, we too can experience His touch that makes life different in the moment and often for our lifetime. Repeatedly through my walk with Christ, there have been times when His just being there has made profound changes and adjustments to my life view and feelings. There is NO explanation except the presence of God entering an open heart full of need.
It is lovely to see the changes He brings about as we surrender to Him and allow Him to work and re-work our thought patterns and make us new, transforming us through His Word and in moments of grace where He just does something in us; how out of nowhere a Word comes to us that we don't really know but it's alive in our spirits floating around and at just the correct moment He brings it to us like a sip of cold water on a scorchingly hot summer afternoon. Refreshment. Clearheadedness. New vision.
This is the life of walking with the One, the true and living God. Just as in our relationships with closest family or friends, there are those times. We all have had them. We feel so close and united and hopeful, bonded in a very precious way and filled with love. The tears fall freely.
This was the day I had yesterday with my God.
Nothing in my fleshly world has changed. Life is still up in the air with many unanswered questions and some seemingly unanswered prayers. However Hope came and filled my empty soul, And Hope is like a "floatie." It makes the waters seem far less dangerous and the journey more relaxing.
So here I am in my "floatie" walking alongside my Savior...and we all know He walks on water.
Thursday, July 5, 2012
Hide and Seek...or Maybe Life as a Froggy
I have not written in several days.I feel blocked by the "real world" turning around me. Honestly I am probably actually in "HIDING" again. Life has thrown some curve balls in my families direction, and the doubts,fears, worries and anger has me running for cover. I know what I want to be feeling and what I am actually feeling and they are often at odds.
The birth of this blog came about because I felt led of the Lord to share my faith.Truly it was to share His acts of miraculous intervening in my struggles in life both as a child,teen and an adult woman redeemed by His blood and grace.It was to share His caring so much that He would move heaven and earth to reach my soul. It was to encourage others to trust and believe that He cares for every moment of our life and works them all together for our good as my blog address references a Scripture long held as my own personal "life verse".
Yet ,here I sit tonight, discouraged,doubting.Hiding from my Creator because I'm afraid this might be the time He lets me down. I know He won't,but it might feel like He does. I don't want to feel that. I felt that all my life. Promise after promise was broken by every adult I ever trusted or believed in.As a good and devout Catholic girl I would pray the Rosary and wear my scapular to bed at night...go to Mass and light candles. Believe that my believing would somehow change the horror of my life. But it did not. So I do not want to feel that way again Lord. The fear of that feeling makes me avoid You.
You,who made the world and everything in it.You ,who hold my very life in Your Hand. You,who time and time again have proven Yourself Faithful and True.Trustworthy.
It's me and my fear that keeps me from You. It's my idea of how I think things should go in this crazy world where I already feel like there is no security, and now there are even more threatening circumstances. Its my fear that You won't really give me and my family the miracle we need. That we just don't measure up or deserve it like all the people you really love. It's my resistance to the stretching and growing and character building You develop in those You have called and love and chasten. It's my impatience in knowing we cannot know the answer for a couple weeks and until then I have to walk with You everyday. How can I walk and hide at the same time?? I cannot.
Help me Father to know you are nothing like my earthly parents.Help me to look at all You have ever done for me and to realize that same care and love motivate what You have planned now. Help me to look unto You,the author and finisher of my faith and know You're not done. Help me not to hide but to come before you boldly because You are always before me interceding on my behalf. Help me to praise and worship You for who You are rather than dwell on what You might not do even though You never yet have let me down. Help me to see my fears and disappointments are only because I am so limited in my view of You and Your plans towards me...plans for a hope and a future..for good and not for evil.
Jesus knew of what He spoke when He cautioned us to not be caught up in the cares of this world. They can completely derail us and take us off the road leading us to Him and His peace,joy and love. In recognizing this though,we can quickly ask forgiveness and be reinstated immediately into His presence and grace.
Hiding used to be what I did.It felt safer and more familiar. Now I feel better connected to Him, even when I do not know where He's leading me. Hiding is separating myself from Him and that is not what I want any longer...or at least for not as long. I recognize His absence sooner and long to be reunited.
Living in this world,while my citizenship is in another,often causes me difficulty.As I go along I hope I can continue to grow and reach for all God has for me,even when I am fearful. Especially when I am fearful because the connection is the victory,not necessarily the outcome. Like a frog who because of its amphibious characteristics can live quite contently in or out of water,I hope that I can learn to live in this world but not be of this world or taken over by its cares,while remaining anchored to my residency in the Fathers Kingdom. Like the froggy I want to be content swimming,diving or sitting on a lily pad high above the waters. I want to be content in whatever circumstances my Father allows while walking with Him here on earth, while at the same time, my spirit is growing and becoming ready to be transported to the Heavenly Kingdom,where I will live forevermore.
Funny,the child's game is called Hide and Seek. Its really quite the opposite in my life with Christ.The more I Seek,the less I Hide.
The birth of this blog came about because I felt led of the Lord to share my faith.Truly it was to share His acts of miraculous intervening in my struggles in life both as a child,teen and an adult woman redeemed by His blood and grace.It was to share His caring so much that He would move heaven and earth to reach my soul. It was to encourage others to trust and believe that He cares for every moment of our life and works them all together for our good as my blog address references a Scripture long held as my own personal "life verse".
Yet ,here I sit tonight, discouraged,doubting.Hiding from my Creator because I'm afraid this might be the time He lets me down. I know He won't,but it might feel like He does. I don't want to feel that. I felt that all my life. Promise after promise was broken by every adult I ever trusted or believed in.As a good and devout Catholic girl I would pray the Rosary and wear my scapular to bed at night...go to Mass and light candles. Believe that my believing would somehow change the horror of my life. But it did not. So I do not want to feel that way again Lord. The fear of that feeling makes me avoid You.
You,who made the world and everything in it.You ,who hold my very life in Your Hand. You,who time and time again have proven Yourself Faithful and True.Trustworthy.
It's me and my fear that keeps me from You. It's my idea of how I think things should go in this crazy world where I already feel like there is no security, and now there are even more threatening circumstances. Its my fear that You won't really give me and my family the miracle we need. That we just don't measure up or deserve it like all the people you really love. It's my resistance to the stretching and growing and character building You develop in those You have called and love and chasten. It's my impatience in knowing we cannot know the answer for a couple weeks and until then I have to walk with You everyday. How can I walk and hide at the same time?? I cannot.
Help me Father to know you are nothing like my earthly parents.Help me to look at all You have ever done for me and to realize that same care and love motivate what You have planned now. Help me to look unto You,the author and finisher of my faith and know You're not done. Help me not to hide but to come before you boldly because You are always before me interceding on my behalf. Help me to praise and worship You for who You are rather than dwell on what You might not do even though You never yet have let me down. Help me to see my fears and disappointments are only because I am so limited in my view of You and Your plans towards me...plans for a hope and a future..for good and not for evil.
Jesus knew of what He spoke when He cautioned us to not be caught up in the cares of this world. They can completely derail us and take us off the road leading us to Him and His peace,joy and love. In recognizing this though,we can quickly ask forgiveness and be reinstated immediately into His presence and grace.
Hiding used to be what I did.It felt safer and more familiar. Now I feel better connected to Him, even when I do not know where He's leading me. Hiding is separating myself from Him and that is not what I want any longer...or at least for not as long. I recognize His absence sooner and long to be reunited.
Living in this world,while my citizenship is in another,often causes me difficulty.As I go along I hope I can continue to grow and reach for all God has for me,even when I am fearful. Especially when I am fearful because the connection is the victory,not necessarily the outcome. Like a frog who because of its amphibious characteristics can live quite contently in or out of water,I hope that I can learn to live in this world but not be of this world or taken over by its cares,while remaining anchored to my residency in the Fathers Kingdom. Like the froggy I want to be content swimming,diving or sitting on a lily pad high above the waters. I want to be content in whatever circumstances my Father allows while walking with Him here on earth, while at the same time, my spirit is growing and becoming ready to be transported to the Heavenly Kingdom,where I will live forevermore.
Funny,the child's game is called Hide and Seek. Its really quite the opposite in my life with Christ.The more I Seek,the less I Hide.
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