Light. Life. Transformation. The Journey Like No Other.

" Worry is not believing God will get it right and Bitterness is believing God got it wrong."

                       Timothy Keller

My son Ryan and I were having a conversation a week or two ago. He is an avid reader, and enjoys Timothy Keller quite a bit. He shared this quote in reference to something he was talking about. As he said the words I knew they were powerful. I had no idea how much so.

I asked him the next day to send me the quote, that I might re-visit it. I have often since that day.

How amazing is Gods grace, that He gently whispers something into our spirit, that we might look upon it and consider it. It can hang around us and speak to us throughout the course of a day.Or it can be so invasive ,that we can barely escape it and the message or questions it brings. This was the affect of this Keller quote.

As addressed in prior posts, I have a long history of complicated emotions and responses rooted in an abusive and pretty deprived past.Although Jesus has saved me and is transforming me, I am still human and flesh and "that little girl" is a part of who I am and who I have become...like it or not. It is a miracle that I survived and even thrived, and it is all due to the saving grace of God and His love and mercy in my life. This is the basis upon which I have navigated my life since coming to Christ at 17. HIS existence made mine okay. HIS forgiveness made me white as snow. HIS presence gave me purpose and meaning in life when I felt alone or frightened or beaten down and unworthy. Because He lived,I could face tomorrow. And I have all these decades.

For whatever reason,my years as a hands on mother were the most fulfilling and happiest days of my life. Perhaps because I was loved and needed in such an unconditional way, it just filled all the empty places of my heart.Perhaps because they were a part of me and Ray , they were so very special. Perhaps because I could somehow, at least in my mind and my heart, "undo" all the evil and wrong I saw, and give a different life to these my children, there was great satisfaction in that. And perhaps the most important reason was because they were my babies and I was their mama. 

Life goes on. Kids grow up.Move on. Move out. Take spouses. Move away. All of this quite normal, desired and expected. And for the most part , I would say I have done amazing and better than I imagined.  Until I read this quote and it tore a hole in my armor that I was not expecting.

...bitterness is believing God got it wrong... Five little words that I did not think had anything to do with me.Until that still small voice assured me it did.

Every time I wondered why I only had two children and lost several others...I was believing God got it wrong.

Every time I wondered why Mandy had not gotten a contracted job yet....I was believing God got it wrong.

Every time I felt disappointed that Ryan and Brenda wanted to move away...I was believing God got it wrong.

You name it...the economy, the presidency,lots of my hopes and dreams not shaping up as I'd envisioned....I was believing God got it wrong.

Not in a way that I actually dared to think that or say it or question it aloud. Even in the ways I prayed about things, I seemed to be content for the most part.In those ways I was accepting and grateful and hopeful. And I believed I was. I tried to be. I was surrendering and praying for Gods will.

But Gods Spirit has a way of revealing truths that we cannot deny. He does it ever so gently. But it cannot be ignored.I said the right prayers and I did mean them. I played the adult woman and accepted how life goes.I was looking for the "answered prayers" and the "peace that passes understanding". And I got that too at times. But deep inside of me, there's the broken, wounded ,sinful person who is still waiting for God to treat me like my parents and abusers did.Not on a conscious level but way underneath. And our God is the thorough, underneath, straight to your heart kind of Father. He keeps looking, and loving and shining Light into the dark places and bringing His truth.

In that most loving, accepting, helpful way He showed me that I did feel, at least at some level ,that He has been getting it wrong. And just as quickly He showed me His Son . And the Cross. And my heart that so desperately by His Spirits drawing, wants to follow and obey Him. 

And I can.It is in recognizing His grace, that I am able to see this.And in looking at what He offers me, I can move on.He does not expect perfection.He wants relationship.He wants my surrender, knowing that I trust He's not out to get me, but that I truly believe He's "for me".

Lets just say I'm getting there. To see this round of illumination, I have continual hope that "He who began a good work in you (me) will complete it until the day of Jesus Christ." Philippians 1:6

I am not complete. God is not finished with me yet. He is faithful like no other. And the best part of this illumination / revelation is that I stayed with it...in it...no running, no hiding. Just accepting my Fathers Love in His Son and knowing that He cares enough to show me  myself  and give me His best to transform me. He is not like my parents or my abusers. He is the Living God. My perfect Father.My Redeemer. My Refuge. My Hiding Place.

It has been eight months since I last wrote here at My Hiding Place. Is that partially because I myself have been in hiding? Possibly, or maybe not. In the words of the old hymn "Great is Thy Faithfulness. Oh God ,My Father. Morning by morning, New mercies I see.Thou changest not, Thy compassions they fail not. As Thou hast been,Thou forever wilt be. Great is Thy Faithfulness. " , I am able to see a new possibility other than hiding. Resting. Being Still.Knowing that He is God.

So, even as I write I see that resting is a more accurate description than hiding. I used to hide. Avoid God when I felt sadness, despair or fear. I believed that my emotions had the power to make God reject or be disappointed in me , thus resulting in His abandonment of me. So I would avoid Him , until somehow I could make myself presentable enough to go before Him again. These were the mixed signals and conclusions of an abused and discarded child. It made for a very disjointed relationship.On my part, that is. Because He never changes. Never leaves nor forsakes. Is not a man, that He should lie. He is Oh God, My Father. He was ever present, waiting for me with open arms. He was the Good Shepherd, seeking me, the lost and wounded sheep. After decades , and I do mean decades of HIS FAITHFULNESS, it slowly began to sink into my spirit. So in these past eight months, I am even rejoicing now to see that I was resting in those truths and running to Him with broken dreams and unfulfilled expectations and tears. But running towards, not away from Him. Daily and sometimes much more frequently, crying out to Oh God, My Father.Realizing that if I knew nothing else and had no other answers that He was my Father and heard me and was thrilled that I came and talked with Him and gave Him opportunity to speak to me. To hold me near. To comfort me with His peace, that passes understanding.

So I also realized my last entry was just prior to my son moving to Portland. Moving. Change. Loss. Grief.Sadness.Unbearable and out of a mothers hearts range of acceptable emotions. Do you all see the presenting problem or source thereof? Again.The Little Kate. BUT GOD.

This journey has been different as I alluded to earlier in the post. That is not to say it has not been difficult or challenging at times. It has. The difference lies in the faithfulness of God the Father and the responsiveness of the Child...or in this case , the brokenhearted mom. Me. I will share some of this journey in future posts.

Took today off and happened to be encouraged to get back at it. The writing ,that is. To my kids and friends who are always encouraging it I say Thank you. To my Facebook and Pinterest friend and sister in Christ and published writer Lisa Bishop I say Thank you. To my husbands high school friend Lee Clements, who gave a kind of big push and challenge this morning I say Thank you. And to my husband of nearly forty years, my best friend and my Forever Love, I say Thank You.You have heard more of my writings than anyone over this passage of time. You always thought I did it so well and had so much to share. You loved my heart and my compassion and my"writing a book" as you called it.

To Oh God My Father. I take You at Your Word.  " Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of sympathy (pity and mercy) and the God (Who is the Source) of every comfort ( consolation and encouragement).  Who comforts (consoles and encourages) us in every trouble (calamity and affliction) so that we may also be able to comfort (console and encourage) those who are in any kind of trouble or distress with the comfort ( consolation and encouragement) with which we ourselves are comforted (consoled and encouraged) by God." 2 Corinthians 1:3 and 4

Thank you Lord. May it be ever so.