The Joseph Syndrome

This past two weeks of retirement have set me upon a new path. It was not one I sought, or yearned for; nor is it one of great service to humanity or the Body of Christ. It is however one birthed by the circumstances I have found myself in and the result of continued prayer and seeking Gods face,  that I might be of service to Him, to both magnify and glorify His name.

Almost two years ago I found out I had a condition that is both genetic in predisposition, and aggravated  by physical conditions in my own personal body.

I did what the doctor  ordered and there was no recurrence of the symptoms. Until last week.

Amidst my new found confusion of retirement, although exhilarated by my not having to go to work, was also a lack of direction so to speak. It took several weeks for me to adapt  to new sleeping schedules, more freedom,the balance between "I want to" versus "I have to". During this time, the visitor of my aging physical body came to call, and with it a great opportunity for my Father in Heaven to shine His Light into dark caverns and corners of my heart, that I knew existed, but did not understand needed attention. Does not Romans 8:28 assure us that "all things work together for the good of those called according to His purpose?" Indeed it does, and it has played out this week in such a way that my heart is leaping with praise and gratitude.

As I write about this, let me add that you may not understand. Or you might find it impossible that people can be smart, functional, pretty regular folks, yet be so broken by the sins against them, and the ones they chose along the way, that they are actually enslaved to things they have no clue are keeping them in bondage. However it does happen. And by the grace of God, He is there to layer by layer, find and heal the brokenness. This is yet another glance into this journey of grace and mercy and miracles. At least to me it is.

I believe in satan and his cronies. The Bible tells us that "we wrestle not against flesh and blood but against principalities and powers of darkness". I also believe that my God is stronger and the winner of every real battle, but it does not mean that I do not or have not been caught in the cross fire. It is with the  understanding of that,I share what I do here.

Prior to my birth , there was violence and much stress on my mother during the pregnancy due to alcoholism, and dysfunction of many kinds. I was born two and a half months premature. In excess of fifty plus years ago, the news was not encouraging. In fact the words, "she will not make it, call your priest" were actually spoken.  But God called me to existence, and had His plans and purpose for my life.I survived.

Many years of abandonment, and physical, sexual and emotional abuse followed. I often WISHED I had died.But I did not.

I lost my brother Michael to cystic fibrosis when I was nine years old. I wished it had been me. I was reminded that it was Michael and not me , "because only the good die young." Uplifting message for a nine year old who had lost the only constant in her life.

Throughout my life I was tormented with thoughts of suicide and death. At seventeen, I tried to kill myself. Jesus saved me both metaphorically and physically. He drastically changed my life, but I still was in the crossfire.

Being diagnosed with PTSD and traumatic amnesia, some of this is part of the deal. If I was not thinking at times of taking my life, I was terrified everyday that Ray or my children would die.Not in a way that I would give a voice to, because I loved and trusted God..and besides that a Christian would not feel that way...but it was there oppressing me always.

Thankfully there was more victory than defeat but the theme was always there. But I was not really aware of this until this past couple weeks.

Within days of my retirement, satan was whispering pretty consistently in my ear, that my new venture in this part of my life was to finally get out of my stress filled profession, only to die. Seriously. These random thoughts would enter my mind and I would feel kind of awkward but didn't really pay them any mind.

As I had a re-occurrence of symptoms of my aforementioned condition, I began to feel absolute panic.

In my desperation, that just so happened to coincide with my private devotions and prayer journaling, Gods gentle nudging and light bearing presence caused me to see several traps the enemy has oppressed me with throughout my life.

Death.      Shame.      Fear.

As if on an exploratory mission, He showed me how satan had layered them, one upon another,through the years, driven by the circumstances of my life, to ensnare me and tangle me up.

Throughout my life, normal things that happen to people cause me severe shame. Getting sick and even embracing my aging physical body, has shown me that the expectations of "perfection" have seeped into every corner of my life.And the sidecar to this disastrous expectation is that I've never valued myself enough to even believe I am worth it, living that is. Its almost as if I didn't exist, except I did. Sounds crazy, I know but there are a lot  of people in this world who feel invisible and non existent.They just don't realize it or can't and they certainly rarely share it. Lots of taking care of others and addictions and perfectionism keep them busy so they are unable to see it.I thank God that He is complete and perfect in all He does.Little by little He is "restoring my soul". And although "I may walk through the valley of the shadow of  death, I shall fear no evil." I am trusting in His promise, that "His goodness and mercy shall follow me all the days of my life."

These past two weeks, God allowed me to embrace Him in an even deeper way and to continue on my journey of learning He is my All in All. The unwanted and unaware child hiding in the corners of my soul can peek out and hear His clam,assuring voice.Through His presence and His Word I can risk being afraid and lean into His great mercy and comfort. The Light enables me to peek out and see myself unaware, and yet be drawn to something incredibly beautiful and peaceful...my Fathers heart towards me. His goodness and mercy are following me.

I guess my bigger message here is that just as God continues to see us and reveal Himself to us in our brokenness and sin, that we would be tender and kind and compassionate to others around us.I have always said that everyone has a story. They may or may not ever share it or really feel its impacted them. For whatever reasons, God has called me to recognize and share both my wounds, battles and victories.My prayer is that in His perfect Hands, I can bring some transparency and some comfort and some hope.

"As for you, you thought evil against me, but God meant it for good, to bring about that many people should be kept alive, as they are this day." Genesis 50:20

On the evening that I was struggling the most with some of this, I just happened to share some with Ray after our devotions and prayer time. I told him of the whisperings of "death" , satan had been coming against me with. Right after I told Ray this, my finger bumped something on my phone that opened my phone up to Pinterest. The page opened up to this.

        "God knows your life from start to finish. And it won't be over until God says its over."
                         "You have nothing to fear. "

Circumstance? Coincidence? I think not. I choose to think not.I choose to see " every good and perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of Lights, with whom there is no variation or shifting of shadow due to change." James 1:17 English Standard Version

 I choose to trust and believe in Him who loves me" with an everlasting  love."  Jeremiah 31:3

This week has opened my eyes up to more of King Jesus. Savior.Great Physician. Healer. Friend.
           

To Be or Not to Be. That is the Question.

This is my first blog entry since entering "retirement."

How funny it is that I thought the first thing I would do is start writing daily. And yet I have not.

It's okay to not do what we think we will, should or ought to be doing. It's okay to be.

The definition of do is" to perform, or complete". The definition of be  is to "exist".

The past several weeks I have been existing, rather than performing. It has been comfortable at times, and relaxing. Then on other occasions I have struggled internally with expectations that I alone project upon myself to perform and produce. It has been nice to have the freedom to wrestle with this. Retirement has offered me the luxury of this opportunity.

Let me be honest and say,  I am far more comfortable with doing, rather than being. Although I exist, its often been easier for me to view myself as a collector of rules, roles and  obligations to be met and deadlines to keep, rather than just a soul , created by God for His purpose and enjoyment and fellowship.

That may sound awkward to many, but to me it was my reality.

When I became pregnant with my children, gave birth to them and raised them, I was ever aware of the preciousness and value of their existence. It was fact and not debatable. It has been obvious in the lives they have lived that they understand this. It has become obvious to me of how that was completely absent from the core of my being and identity and became even more pronounced especially in this time of early retirement. How loving and intimate is my Fathers heart towards me, that He continues to reveal Himself to me and speak deep within my heart, that I may be transformed and changed and thus  become obedient to His will for me.

Recently the Lord spoke to me about being humble. I have often seen myself as a humble person, and known myself as a person who has struggled for my lifetime with "unworthiness". As I sat in His presence His Holy Spirit began to shed light on my confusion of sorts.As I brought  my humility and unworthiness before His throne, He began to ask questions  that could only come from Him ,and give answers that I did not know. For example, He spoke to me about "unworthiness" being rooted in pride rather than humility.Lord that cannot be. After all I pride myself on being a humble person. Exactly my child. You pride yourself on that. Pride. He then continued to show me that I have lived my life either comparing myself to others and never measuring up, or being defensive and protective at some level, because I knew they were judging me and I would not measure up. The unworthiness was all wrapped up in the pride, while disguising itself as some form of humility.

Having no normalcy in my upbringing, I was always grasping for what appeared to be the right or best or good thing to do.I had no idea of any intrinsic value in my being. The messages became mixed up at times because I was a child with no parents. no direction, no love or feeling of being cared for or of any value. The best thing is I do not have to live there anymore. God has called me to Himself. He gave His Son to cleanse me and set me free.His Holy Spirit resides within me to teach, guide and direct me.I am free to live the life Christ has given me to live. I am assured of this for Acts 17:28 states "For in Him we live and move and have our being." I live in Him. I have my being in Him.Everything I am or ever will be is because of Him. His death, burial and resurrection seals the deal and makes it so.

In the grace of God,  the doing and being need not war against one another. Because we know we are in Him, and the relationship is based on what He has done, we can be free.In that freedom we may sometimes grow in our being.As a direct result of that being growth period , we may then go on and do in ways unknown to us before. In Gods perfect balance there is both room and purpose for both. 

As I get more adapted to my new season of life, I am ever grateful for Gods interruptions. He Alone knows the path He has set for me and is ever present. As I listen for Him, He brings truth to me.He is neither a task master nor an objective observer. He has a plan and purpose. Philippians 2:13 says " For God is working in you,giving you the desire and the power to do what pleases Him."

He holds the key to being and doing. There are no mixed messages.My obedience and submission activate the key He holds, opening the door to many possibilities.