On June 8,1972, I realized I was lost, alone and empty inside. Others I knew at 17 thought their life was only beginning. I felt dead inside and had no hope for a future based upon my life thus far. I had never really been loved, wanted or valued. Not in the ways a child should be. However, I always pondered the question then WHY was I here? The experts at my birth said I would not survive. Babies that small do not make it.
I did.
In my desperation as a teen I drank a pint of vodka straight,slit my wrist and wandered into the ocean. I survived. A still small voice called out to me. "I love you. I'm here for you. I've always been with you." I remember thinking and saying inwardly, "Jesus, is that You?" Somehow I knew it was. From that moment on I have NEVER looked back. Stumbled? Yes. Struggled? Ye
He surrounded me with a beautiful Christian family, John and Suzy Cole from Hermosa Beach who took me in as a senior in High School and "parented" me both spiritually and practically.They taught me about stability, unconditional love and how to "receive" without feeling like I owed a debt. Once when I was struggling to try and make a bargain with Suzy of "all the housework I'd do to make up for something she was buying me," she said, "Kate, I want you to learn it now so you know how to receive from Jesus all He has for you. I'm afraid you will not get it if you don't stop trying to pay people back...even steven is not the way of grace." It took a long while but I got it.
The Coles gave Ray and me our Wedding reception. Not my parents or family. They remembered my birthday every year until they went Home to be with Jesus. Upon their passing I got an envelope of pictures of my children sent back to me from their daughter saying, 'My mom carried Mandy and Ryan's pictures in her wallet and told people they were her "other" grandchildren". Hands and Heart of the Living God making me new everyday of my Senior year in High school and beyond...
My girlfriend Jennie prayed with me at church camp that God would bring me a man who loved God...within the month, I met Raymond. A perfect marriage? No. Struggles like every couple and hard work? Yes. But a Perfect Union set in motion by the Creator of our Souls? Yes. The longer we are married the more I see His absolute meshing of the needs and desires of our hearts as we continue to allow Him to make us One. To be humbled by His love and grace and open to His healing in whatever ways He sees fit for He is the Potter...we are the clay. Creator vs. created. Getting that one more everyday.
The blessing of children is something one only gets when they have experienced it. The love,heartache,worry and devotion are merely a glimpse of what our Father feels towards us.That is eye opening and amazing because there is really nothing that captivates my heart and emotions more than those two people called Mandy or Boo and Ryan or My Boy. They entered a world to parents who by the worlds standards were "broken" but in the perfect world of love and grace and forgiveness made possible by relationships with the Savior, they saw miracles happen and I believe have not even scratched the surface of what God has prepared for them yet.
This is all that opening my eyes and heart to say "Jesus is that You?" brought into my life. These are the blessings I treasure and know came from Him. We have wonderful friends and you know who you are. Each one in God's perfect timing were brought into our hearts and lives. Although we have very little time to share ,the blessing and connection remains within and we love and appreciate you all and could not overlook that provision by God either.
Bottom line. I am not RELIGIOUS. I have a RELATIONSHIP that changed my life here on earth as well as my eternal destination. Often Ray and I talk about how our lives are not anywhere we pictured them at this point in our life. That is when we look to Him for our peace, our strength and our joy. What Jesus wants for us or to accomplish in and through us is exactly that, HIS CHOICE. As we continue to seek Him, surrender to His will and try to be Salt and Light in the places He's picked for us, we find a peace only He brings.
For many years in my relationship with God there were situations I faced where all my friends and family knew I would say, "The Lord and I aren't doing so well right now". Translation: I AM HIDING FROM YOU GOD, NOT SHARING MY LIFE, HEART, FEARS OR EMOTIONS WITH YOU. WHEN I GET THIS ALL CLEANED UP, WE CAN HANG OUT AGAIN. The best years of my life have been since I stopped HIDING from Him.
HE IS MY HIDING PLACE.
The joy I feel when I run to Him crying, breaking down, feeling afraid or ashamed and HE'S THERE. He always has been.
To God be the glory for being there that day in June when I could finally hear His voice and say "Jesus, is that You?"
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