Music has always been an instrument used by God to touch my heart.Recently in the past several months the music of Audrey Assad has been the soundtrack of my life.She not only has an exceptional voice,but even more so her lyrics say so much of what I have felt,longed for,imagined. It has been in listening to her music that I have drawn ever nearer to the Lord . I find it moves me to a place of even more transparency than I have experienced before.I sometimes feel like I am actually communing with Him on a new level.More honest.More open.More aware that this is the God of the Universe that I get to hang out with and talk to in the quiet moments of my soul and day.I think I am beginning to understand "eternity" so much better.I used to think wow,I'm glad I'm saved and not going to Hell, but what am I going to do in Heaven,forever?? As I walk deeper,year after year with Jesus,I see that its only the beginning and there's so much more.It truly is only a "glimpse" now ,but then it will be face to face. A complete union.A longing fulfilled.
The pictures with Jesus sitting with children,or embracing a man or woman's face in the tenderness of His Hand, have always stirred deep emotion within me.I long to be looked at by Him in the ways these artists have depicted Him. This is what I imagine upon my first entrance into Heaven.
Some of the lyrics to this song paint a picture of the feelings I experience about The Lord, or the emotions it evokes within me as I remember all He's done for me,but mostly WHO He is to me.Like He's not just God. He is that, but because I can no longer separate my existence from Him,He is so much more to me.And this is certainly NOT because I am so holy,because I am not.It's more like the Bible talks about us being grafted into the Vine and they are now One.I cannot fathom separation or an existence apart from His grace,tenderness,or presence in my life.As the Bible states He is everywhere and holds everything together.
"You are the highway I travel.Cause I watched You carve streets of gold from the sand and gravel.I gave you brokenness.You gave me innocence.And now this road leads to glory.You are my deepest longing and so I see You everywhere.It's You I'm chasing after.Cause I am captivated by Who You are and how You move.I'll follow You forever". (Audrey Assad)
As I was thinking about these lyrics today I was reminded of a portion of Scripture that evokes the same response inside of me.
"O Lord,I remember earnestly my affliction and my misery,my wandering and my outcast state,the wormwood and the gall. My soul has them continually in remembrance and is bowed down within me. But this I recall and therefore I have hope and expectation.It is because of the Lord's mercy and loving-kindness that we are not consumed,because His tender compassions fail not. They are new every morning; great and abundant is Your stability and faithfulness. The Lord is my portion or share,says my living being,my inner self; therefore I will hope in Him and wait expectantly for Him." Lamentations 3 :19 to 24
Over the years people have jokingly made "fun" of my responses to music,worship,the Lord's very personal invasion of my space at times. Comments like "Look out her angel wings are sprouting"...were made in jest but they cut to my core. It was certainly not because I was anything but a sinner saved by grace,as were they.What hurt was that I knew what God had rescued me from,and how much I needed a Father,a Savior, and that relationship is so real to me on a very personal level.To have that mocked made me go into Hiding some more.This season of my life and the purpose for this blog is to come out and be visibly connected to the true Hiding Place and to give expression to the love relationship I have with the one true God and to His awesomeness in our daily lives. I struggle in this world as all sinners do.I have good seasons and ones filled with clouds and rain.I don't always or even often, be what Jesus wants me to be. But what I know is that "Heaven came down and Glory filled my Soul" as the old hymn states.
"Oh what a wonderful,wonderful day.Day I will never forget.After I'd wandered in darkness away Jesus my Savior I met.Oh what a tender,compassionate friend.He met the need of my heart.Shadows dispelling,with joy I am telling, He made all the darkness depart. Heaven came down and glory filled my soul."
Religious..not ever.Not close. Changed.Transformed.Made new.In light of that I could never stop the gratitude I feel.I could not walk away from the One who loves me with an everlasting love and who draws me by that love.I cannot separate my heart from Him.And all of this always comes back to His doing,not mine.He sought me.He bought me. He keeps me every day.Therefore I will look for Him everywhere and give Him recognition for all that He is to me.If people poke fun ,so be it. I am not in hiding any longer.This is the least I can do is give voice to His praises.His wondrous works abound.How grateful I am He invited me to share the journey of grace,renewal,hope and love.The beautiful road of life in Christ.
"You are the highway I travel.So I see You everywhere. I'll follow You forever".
Thursday, June 28, 2012
Wednesday, June 27, 2012
A Visit in the Night
When I first heard this song the other day I was so glad a Christian artist had attempted to not only address it, the subject of sexual abuse, but to capture it so accurately. As a survivor of incest and other sexual abuse, I had no clue that survivors felt so much of the same things until I was blessed enough to become part of a women's group years ago. During that time I found some wonderful healing, information that helped me untangle a lot of my own confusion and many friendships.One in particular really helped me grow. We shared a lot of pain and sadness and lost dreams and we were able to sit in silence together, feeling comforted by our shared losses and our understanding of one another's heartache. She was about 20 years older than me and the Lord called her home several years ago. Her name was Pattie and I cannot wait to see her again in Heaven.
So many have very little understanding of the destruction to the survivor's soul, including the survivor themselves. For years I walked around compromised in every area of my life but I had no clue. As a teen, I had teachers directly ask me if I was being abused or had been sexually violated. I would say no. I had PTSD and traumatic amnesia. I cannot remember most of my life; however the rash that covered my body as a little girl, the bed wetting, the thumb sucking until ten, the eating disorders that came later, the promiscuity, and feeling like I was merely a BODY began to tell a tale to me. I had night terrors and sleepless nights. I was unable to and unwilling to take my glasses off at night to sleep until I was in my 30s. When my husband asked me once why I was wearing glasses to bed, I answered him plainly. "So I can see what's gonna happen to me." He was puzzled. I felt completely justified in my answer but I wasn't sure why.
At 30 years old, I began to have flashbacks. I became depressed and suicidal. One day I locked my four year old and two year old out of my bedroom. Ryan was banging on the door and yelling, "Mama, Mama," repeatedly. I can still hear it as if it were yesterday. My kids were not used to being ignored or abandoned by me. I can only imagine the fear his little heart must have felt. And knowing my precious Mandy, she probably comforted him, while being terrified herself inside. In one moment of clarity,or lets be honest, a moment of grace, I realized I was in trouble and needed help. I called a Christian counseling center that day and made an appointment. I thank God for that moment. It probably saved my life again, my marriage, my ability to parent my children. Mostly it allowed me to stop lying to myself and pretending nothing was wrong.
Despite my conversion to Christ, and my prayer life, my reading the Word and going to church...still I was dying inside. I tried so hard. I did not know what was wrong. I would tell God, I know there's something wrong with me, Lord. I would beg forgiveness for the "dirty and the bad" I felt was just a part of me. As dreams and nightmares and other things began to unravel the dirty little secret, an amazing spiritual thing happened as well.
Without giving all the details let me just say this. My husband woke up in the middle of the night to me laying face down on the floor. He said he was awakened by a loud noise. I then told him," Father God was here. His voice is like thunder and His Light is so bright I could not look towards Him. He told me He was with me then and now. He has been with me always and yes, the person I thought had been abusing me was indeed the person. And then he said He would always be a Father to me."
This was real. This was powerful . This was life changing. It was enough to start breaking the chains I did not know held me captive.
This initial abuse set me up for further instances that I did recall and remember. But the original violation was done by someone I loved and trusted and treasured probably above all others. Therein lies the difficulty. And the shame. And the denial. However, as difficult as it was at times, the freedom that I gained as I faced the real truths of my life, I began to heal in ways I could only imagine before. And when it was unbearable or unimaginable or the abuse was down right lied about and denied, I had the Spirit of the Living God letting me know it was okay because He was there. He had assured me of that. He stepped up for me when He knew my caretakers, when confronted with the truth, would lie, deny and blame others, especially me, the child. He did a supernatural thing in order to comfort the little girl inside of me who was believing she was crazy and wished she could die. Father God stepped in and said "Live".
To this day as I recall that moment, I am humbled by God's interaction with my searching soul. He cared enough to step in and because no one else told the truth, He did an amazing feat in an unusual way in order to make it safe for me. He stepped into my world literally, supernaturally to rescue me from the lies satan meant for my destruction.
This was a supernatural intervention. I needed something to begin to heal and God provided it in a very assuring way.My traumatized mind could not remember,while at the same time it could not forget. Father God came and made a way for me to move forward. Healing had begun. The Broken Girl had one solid thing to stand upon; the word of her Father.
"God is not a man,that He should tell or act a lie." Numbers 23:19
Saturday, June 23, 2012
Food...For Thought
I have struggled with Eating Disorders all of my life, or so it seems. I realized when I was in counseling for years with my Christian therapist that it began long before I was even aware of it.
It is almost as if it was a guarantee based on my background and circumstances of life. Having been sexually abused at a very young age and continuing into my earliest teens, I already had a lot going on at an unconscious level. It took awhile for me to understand and sort this out. This set into motion thought patterns and habits that became my way of life. I called them "good days" or "bad days". Who could have imagined they would run into decades of my life?
Upon further examination though, with the help of my counselor, I came to realize that this also began as a result of the neglect, deprivation, torture and basic inhumane treatment I was given in a foster home. Being away from one's parents, despite their abuses and inability to parent, puts a whole other spin on things. One now feels abandoned, discarded, not wanted or valued, thrown away like garbage, replaceable. Unfortunately for me, along with the war already raging internally and emotionally, I had really disturbed foster care providers who felt it their obligation and somewhat misplaced or misunderstood joy, to remind me continuously....that I was not wanted.
In the 1960's there was a song that said the words, "How much is that doggie in the window?" It went on saying they hoped that the dog was for sale and could be theirs. In the evil and twisted words of the "mother" foster care provider, she would sing it to me. She then would say that those doggies were better than me because someone at least wanted them. No one wants you. The doggies would get homes. I was here because I had no home. I'm sure it made me sad then. I don't really remember. I was trying so hard to survive. What I do know is I have never forgotten the tune or words to that song. I have never walked by a pet store window or pet adoption cage and not only seen the doggies, kitties whatever...but thought of myself...the one who had less of a chance than a puppy of being wanted.
In line with the above type of total disregard for the emotional well being of a child, we basically were not fed.We had no choice in the matter.Every decision made for me was made by someone else.The food was placed in front of us...strictly portioned out and if you liked it, eat it and if you hated it, eat it too.If you were still hungry too bad.Asking for what one needed or wanted was not permitted. There were times my sister was made to sit five hours after a meal of "chili beans" were placed in front of her. She detested them and gagged throughout the whole meal but she HAD to eat them.Then we would be up all night as she then would vomit all night.And get screamed at the whole time. Although this was my little sisters experience I wore it as my own. I could not stop them from hurting her.It makes me cry as I write this today.It was nothing less than torture.
I hope this does not read in as much of a rambling way as it feels. In setting the tone for my issues with food, this is another of the scenarios. Another "favorite" meal they gave us was in our lunches. "Tomato jelly" sandwiches. No peanut butter to mask the awful taste of tomato jelly. It was simply disgusting. I cannot imagine it was a real food. They never ate it. It seemed like it was just for "us." All of this to say this did not promote a healthy relationship with food at a young age.We were either being tortured with food that made us sick or deprived of food in both quantity, or choices that may have set up a better understanding that food is a fuel needed for survival, not a tool to inflict pain.This food game was only one of many in the House of Horrors we called home.
In my understanding now, I see this was all done to a child, who already had lots of issues.The layers of dysfunction were being formed. The groundwork for my long struggle with anorexia/bulimia/obesity had begun.
Fast forward this existence nine years.Out of nowhere ,my mother comes from California and "reclaims" us.In a twenty four hour period,we are removed from our foster home of nine years and flown to Southern California to be with a woman who abandoned us nine years earlier. This alone could throw a normal, grounded child into turmoil...however I was not that child. Here I was now with a whole new set of rules and new abuses. My mother was an alcoholic, a survivor of sexual abuse, a sex addict and most probably someone who suffered with Borderline Personality Disorder. In sum total I lived less than seven or eight years of my life with her. I did not know her. I know only what she did and how she acted towards me. There is a difference.
My mother was quite vain. She thought she was the measure of an attractive woman I guess. This came out in her judgments of others clothing, hair, makeup,WEIGHT. It did not matter that I was her child. I was just another "female" that did not measure up. From the time she came and got us when I was 14 until I left home at 16, I was never good enough. Why wasn't I more like so and so? Why did I not eat this instead of that? My boyfriends really wanted to date her not me but they settled for me. Craziness, personified. It was due to a lot of this that I began to diet continuously.That led to starving...then gaining weight...then binging and purging...then gaining weight...then starving. The cycle.
All of this to say this. I still struggle to this day. I now have a clearer understanding of WHY I do. I also have an understanding of the role food should play in my life. That it's NOT a sin to need food.God created us with bodies who need food as a fuel source.The sinfulness comes in when I allow it to be used as a mood altering substance or remove it completely from myself as if I know better than God,the Creator.
I have just celebrated my first year on Weight Watchers. I have lost seventy pounds.It is great in some ways.In other ways it's not enough.I had a goal of one hundred pounds the first year or so.Obviously in my mind I have failed...again. The last six weeks I have been lost.I went three weeks losing NOTHING ..staying completely on plan.The past three weeks I stayed pretty close to plan and then messed up a bit on the weekends. In praying about this,God led me to these Scriptures. 2 Corinthians 10: 4 and 5 and Hebrews12:1.
They both speak about taking captive our thoughts, our actions, and our struggles to the obedience of Christ.In particular Hebrews says "Let us strip off and throw aside every encumbrance,unnecessary weight,and that sin which so readily,deftly and cleverly clings to and entangles us and let us run with patient endurance and steady and active persistence the appointed course of the race that is set before us". This came at a much needed time for me.I was beginning the "hating" of myself again because I had not performed according to my expectation.I had my own thoughts running and not Gods Word. I fell victim to my own judgments and harsh criticisms; most of which I don't really believe.I just replay the tapes from the past.They are someone else's thoughts and not mine to own. I want to choose what I think,stand for,believe in and act upon.And most of all I want these to be based upon my Fathers Word because He is Truth,personified and He "knows the thoughts I think toward you,says the Lord,thoughts of peace and not of evil to give you a future and a hope." (Jeremiah 29:11)
So I will continue on the journey. I share any and all of this to help others as well as myself. Being Spirit, Soul and Body means there is healing on all levels taking place within me.My God is an equal opportunity Healer. I know that what He has done and continues to do in and for me ,He will do for any who call upon His Name.
It is almost as if it was a guarantee based on my background and circumstances of life. Having been sexually abused at a very young age and continuing into my earliest teens, I already had a lot going on at an unconscious level. It took awhile for me to understand and sort this out. This set into motion thought patterns and habits that became my way of life. I called them "good days" or "bad days". Who could have imagined they would run into decades of my life?
Upon further examination though, with the help of my counselor, I came to realize that this also began as a result of the neglect, deprivation, torture and basic inhumane treatment I was given in a foster home. Being away from one's parents, despite their abuses and inability to parent, puts a whole other spin on things. One now feels abandoned, discarded, not wanted or valued, thrown away like garbage, replaceable. Unfortunately for me, along with the war already raging internally and emotionally, I had really disturbed foster care providers who felt it their obligation and somewhat misplaced or misunderstood joy, to remind me continuously....that I was not wanted.
In the 1960's there was a song that said the words, "How much is that doggie in the window?" It went on saying they hoped that the dog was for sale and could be theirs. In the evil and twisted words of the "mother" foster care provider, she would sing it to me. She then would say that those doggies were better than me because someone at least wanted them. No one wants you. The doggies would get homes. I was here because I had no home. I'm sure it made me sad then. I don't really remember. I was trying so hard to survive. What I do know is I have never forgotten the tune or words to that song. I have never walked by a pet store window or pet adoption cage and not only seen the doggies, kitties whatever...but thought of myself...the one who had less of a chance than a puppy of being wanted.
In line with the above type of total disregard for the emotional well being of a child, we basically were not fed.We had no choice in the matter.Every decision made for me was made by someone else.The food was placed in front of us...strictly portioned out and if you liked it, eat it and if you hated it, eat it too.If you were still hungry too bad.Asking for what one needed or wanted was not permitted. There were times my sister was made to sit five hours after a meal of "chili beans" were placed in front of her. She detested them and gagged throughout the whole meal but she HAD to eat them.Then we would be up all night as she then would vomit all night.And get screamed at the whole time. Although this was my little sisters experience I wore it as my own. I could not stop them from hurting her.It makes me cry as I write this today.It was nothing less than torture.
I hope this does not read in as much of a rambling way as it feels. In setting the tone for my issues with food, this is another of the scenarios. Another "favorite" meal they gave us was in our lunches. "Tomato jelly" sandwiches. No peanut butter to mask the awful taste of tomato jelly. It was simply disgusting. I cannot imagine it was a real food. They never ate it. It seemed like it was just for "us." All of this to say this did not promote a healthy relationship with food at a young age.We were either being tortured with food that made us sick or deprived of food in both quantity, or choices that may have set up a better understanding that food is a fuel needed for survival, not a tool to inflict pain.This food game was only one of many in the House of Horrors we called home.
In my understanding now, I see this was all done to a child, who already had lots of issues.The layers of dysfunction were being formed. The groundwork for my long struggle with anorexia/bulimia/obesity had begun.
Fast forward this existence nine years.Out of nowhere ,my mother comes from California and "reclaims" us.In a twenty four hour period,we are removed from our foster home of nine years and flown to Southern California to be with a woman who abandoned us nine years earlier. This alone could throw a normal, grounded child into turmoil...however I was not that child. Here I was now with a whole new set of rules and new abuses. My mother was an alcoholic, a survivor of sexual abuse, a sex addict and most probably someone who suffered with Borderline Personality Disorder. In sum total I lived less than seven or eight years of my life with her. I did not know her. I know only what she did and how she acted towards me. There is a difference.
My mother was quite vain. She thought she was the measure of an attractive woman I guess. This came out in her judgments of others clothing, hair, makeup,WEIGHT. It did not matter that I was her child. I was just another "female" that did not measure up. From the time she came and got us when I was 14 until I left home at 16, I was never good enough. Why wasn't I more like so and so? Why did I not eat this instead of that? My boyfriends really wanted to date her not me but they settled for me. Craziness, personified. It was due to a lot of this that I began to diet continuously.That led to starving...then gaining weight...then binging and purging...then gaining weight...then starving. The cycle.
All of this to say this. I still struggle to this day. I now have a clearer understanding of WHY I do. I also have an understanding of the role food should play in my life. That it's NOT a sin to need food.God created us with bodies who need food as a fuel source.The sinfulness comes in when I allow it to be used as a mood altering substance or remove it completely from myself as if I know better than God,the Creator.
I have just celebrated my first year on Weight Watchers. I have lost seventy pounds.It is great in some ways.In other ways it's not enough.I had a goal of one hundred pounds the first year or so.Obviously in my mind I have failed...again. The last six weeks I have been lost.I went three weeks losing NOTHING ..staying completely on plan.The past three weeks I stayed pretty close to plan and then messed up a bit on the weekends. In praying about this,God led me to these Scriptures. 2 Corinthians 10: 4 and 5 and Hebrews12:1.
They both speak about taking captive our thoughts, our actions, and our struggles to the obedience of Christ.In particular Hebrews says "Let us strip off and throw aside every encumbrance,unnecessary weight,and that sin which so readily,deftly and cleverly clings to and entangles us and let us run with patient endurance and steady and active persistence the appointed course of the race that is set before us". This came at a much needed time for me.I was beginning the "hating" of myself again because I had not performed according to my expectation.I had my own thoughts running and not Gods Word. I fell victim to my own judgments and harsh criticisms; most of which I don't really believe.I just replay the tapes from the past.They are someone else's thoughts and not mine to own. I want to choose what I think,stand for,believe in and act upon.And most of all I want these to be based upon my Fathers Word because He is Truth,personified and He "knows the thoughts I think toward you,says the Lord,thoughts of peace and not of evil to give you a future and a hope." (Jeremiah 29:11)
So I will continue on the journey. I share any and all of this to help others as well as myself. Being Spirit, Soul and Body means there is healing on all levels taking place within me.My God is an equal opportunity Healer. I know that what He has done and continues to do in and for me ,He will do for any who call upon His Name.
Friday, June 22, 2012
The Umpire Makes The Call
WoW...When I started writing I had no idea how much time it could possibly take. Nor did I know I might have to feel inspired by something or someone or the lack thereof to put words on paper.
The past week has flown by with all its usual events.For most of us that means a work week be it away from home or at home. We go about doing the tasks our job demands while trying to be Light in the place God has placed us. We try to see the "bigger picture" and not all the annoying or bothersome moments of a day at work. We remain grateful for the blessing of a job in times when so many are out of work. For people like my husband and myself, who work early or odd hours, we try to sleep while others are arriving home from the day at the office and the sun is still shining brightly outside our bedroom window. We try to be in the place He has put us ,despite the struggle within at times.
In my reading of the Word this week, as I traveled through the book of Colossians many things spoke to me.For example Colossians 3:23 and 24 talk specifically about " whatever your task or work at hand" to do it as to the Lord and not for man...or only the paycheck.It then spoke about knowing "with all certainty" that we will receive from the Lord our inheritance which is our real reward.That hit me in a real place.I guess I often think of rewards as being for those "very special Christians"...you know the ones that I am not! The ones who do everything perfectly and never struggle. The ones who only exist in my imagination and that satan uses as the measuring stick by which I can never measure up. But this verse helped a little.
I then was really spoken to by Colossians 3:15. It states this. " And let the peace, soul harmony which comes from Christ rule or act like an umpire continually in your hearts, deciding and settling with finality all questions that arise in your minds, in that peaceful state to which as members of Christ's body you were also called to live. And be thankful,appreciative, giving praise to God always".
Envisioning the role of an umpire helps tremendously in the analogy in this verse. Allowing the peace of Christ to rule,settle and decide with finality ALL the questions that arise in my mind,truly makes it a whole new ball game so to speak. My mind,emotions,fears,hopes,dreams all can cloud the vision of my daily life.But the "peace of God (in Christ), that passes all understanding" gives me another standard upon which to build my life.It ,as an umpire, calls the play by play action that ultimately can decide the outcome of the game,or my life as it were.
This has ,unbeknownst to me been happening for quite awhile now,in my life by the grace of God. I cannot bear to look at where life has me,my kids,our jobs,others I love...the world at large.It's scary and horrible and disheartening all at the same time.But somehow,daily and more often moment by given moment,I can sense His peace and that is enough.It takes me to a place I can live..and breathe..and have hope.Not in the tangible things of this world but in the world that I truly have a citizenship in..my Fathers Kingdom. I do not feel I have many bragging rights in this world. If I measure myself by my looks,or my occupation,my wealth or status...many other things I cannot even think of..as the kids say now EPIC FAIL. As I continue on this road of "walking by faith and not by sight" I see things that are really more real than my own reality.
It is because of this that I continue to cry Abba Father.That I continue to look inward and then upward from where my strength comes from...That I continue to confess my pride,and weaknesses and deluded dreams and hopes to the One who Alone has the Knowledge and ability to renew my mind and thus change my heart,my vision.To Him be all the glory. Forever. And today in another inning of this game called Life.
The past week has flown by with all its usual events.For most of us that means a work week be it away from home or at home. We go about doing the tasks our job demands while trying to be Light in the place God has placed us. We try to see the "bigger picture" and not all the annoying or bothersome moments of a day at work. We remain grateful for the blessing of a job in times when so many are out of work. For people like my husband and myself, who work early or odd hours, we try to sleep while others are arriving home from the day at the office and the sun is still shining brightly outside our bedroom window. We try to be in the place He has put us ,despite the struggle within at times.
In my reading of the Word this week, as I traveled through the book of Colossians many things spoke to me.For example Colossians 3:23 and 24 talk specifically about " whatever your task or work at hand" to do it as to the Lord and not for man...or only the paycheck.It then spoke about knowing "with all certainty" that we will receive from the Lord our inheritance which is our real reward.That hit me in a real place.I guess I often think of rewards as being for those "very special Christians"...you know the ones that I am not! The ones who do everything perfectly and never struggle. The ones who only exist in my imagination and that satan uses as the measuring stick by which I can never measure up. But this verse helped a little.
I then was really spoken to by Colossians 3:15. It states this. " And let the peace, soul harmony which comes from Christ rule or act like an umpire continually in your hearts, deciding and settling with finality all questions that arise in your minds, in that peaceful state to which as members of Christ's body you were also called to live. And be thankful,appreciative, giving praise to God always".
Envisioning the role of an umpire helps tremendously in the analogy in this verse. Allowing the peace of Christ to rule,settle and decide with finality ALL the questions that arise in my mind,truly makes it a whole new ball game so to speak. My mind,emotions,fears,hopes,dreams all can cloud the vision of my daily life.But the "peace of God (in Christ), that passes all understanding" gives me another standard upon which to build my life.It ,as an umpire, calls the play by play action that ultimately can decide the outcome of the game,or my life as it were.
This has ,unbeknownst to me been happening for quite awhile now,in my life by the grace of God. I cannot bear to look at where life has me,my kids,our jobs,others I love...the world at large.It's scary and horrible and disheartening all at the same time.But somehow,daily and more often moment by given moment,I can sense His peace and that is enough.It takes me to a place I can live..and breathe..and have hope.Not in the tangible things of this world but in the world that I truly have a citizenship in..my Fathers Kingdom. I do not feel I have many bragging rights in this world. If I measure myself by my looks,or my occupation,my wealth or status...many other things I cannot even think of..as the kids say now EPIC FAIL. As I continue on this road of "walking by faith and not by sight" I see things that are really more real than my own reality.
It is because of this that I continue to cry Abba Father.That I continue to look inward and then upward from where my strength comes from...That I continue to confess my pride,and weaknesses and deluded dreams and hopes to the One who Alone has the Knowledge and ability to renew my mind and thus change my heart,my vision.To Him be all the glory. Forever. And today in another inning of this game called Life.
Thursday, June 14, 2012
It's A Boy !
Today is my youngest,and my only sons birthday. It seems impossible that he can be 29 already.I remember every detail as if it was yesterday. The excitement as I showered and got ready to leave for the hospital, mixed with the sadness of having to leave my baby girl Mandy behind ,without me. The wondering how this delivery would go compared to Mandy's. After all I did look like the BLIMP and he was predicted to be quite big. That could be a possible C-section and I did not want that. I knew God was in control. I'd voiced these concerns to Him already.He'd be with me on this day as He was on every other one.
Arriving at the hospital, and walking in I became more uncomfortable...and rather quickly. I stopped to breathe and manage the pain.Ray asked if I was okay.I believe I snarled at him.They got me settled quickly and soon found I was already at 9 centimeters. Not a surprise.My doctor had warned me to get to the hospital quickly with my second baby...My first baby came in 5 hours. Then there was a scurry of people and talk of a C-section...the baby was very big...blah blah.
They told me "not" to push as several of them left the room for a minute. I told the Lord "I can't have a c-section Lord. I have no one to help me with this baby and my little Boo at home. Please let this work."
Ryan Michael Paterson was born at 6:04 am on June 14,1983.A Flag day baby. He was almost 10 pounds and the nurses kept saying "He's the biggest baby in the nursery." He was born completely naturally and pretty fast at that. I was ecstatic.I had a son now, with a Big Sister at home.How amazingly blessed I felt. A little girl and a baby boy to love and raise. And this baby boy actually looked like me.That was a shock after Mandy's birth...she so resembled her daddy . In fact Ray was taken back because Ryan looked so different.It became kind of a joke at first. But inside of me it was crazy.Here was a babyface looking back at me that actually reminded me of me.Growing up without parents and family around I had a sense of no identity for a long while. Having Mandy began the healing process.It continued with Ryan and his resembling me so much.How good and loving of the Lord to do that.He alone knew those feelings I had inside.I never told anyone that. But in His infinite wisdom and grace He was healing parts of me little by little.
I acted like a crazy woman after Ryan was born.Whenever I heard nurses talking about that "BIG" baby in the nursery I would shout out "He's my son". "That big baby is my son". "I have a son". I laugh now because that's not really like my personality.I do not like to draw attention to myself. But that day ,in that moment I was unlike me. I was totally captivated by this new human being that had entered my world and my heart.
As I remember that day I am so grateful for my sons entrance into my life.He and his sister were like a healing balm to my life.So much of the time, as I was teaching them and pouring life into them...they were actually healing and teaching me.Instruments sent straight from my Heavenly Father to do a work only He knew had to be done.And in His perfect way He accomplished that through two little angels named Mandy and Ryan.
So Happy Birthday my boy.May you rejoice in the day of your birth and in all the blessings our Lord has bestowed upon you.Know this ;"I'll love you forever,I'll like you for always,As long as I'm living,my baby you'll be."
Songs to Sing While Running Home to Daddys Arms
This explains all I felt yesterday as I floundered in my spirit. How precious the flickering flame of the Holy Spirit that keeps me connected and shines Light into my darkness as I stumble. How great to be wrapped in His arms of love and forgiveness and hope once again.
Wednesday, June 13, 2012
I Trust You God ...Now Hurry Up
" And let us not lose heart and grow weary and faint in acting nobly and doing right; for in due time and at the appointed season we shall reap, if we do not loosen and relax our courage and faint." Galatians 6 : 9
I am preaching to ME today. I am faint of heart and weary.Beyond that I am frustrated and even bothered that God's Word has an admonition I should follow and obey concerning my being weary and losing heart.
I just want to sink into my pity party of" life is not all I hoped it would be".That's productive....not.
I got into the car after work and cried."I'm sick of this Lord." Then I called Ray and continued to show him how" pleased" I was with life today. It was a short exchange.I knew in the griping I was seeing what my enemy wanted me to see. I even said out loud "I don't want to hear what God's gonna do in the sweet bye and bye". I'm just tired and fed up.Tired of clinging to promises. Even though the Promise Maker always keeps His Word...even when I cannot see it. And even on days like today at this moment when I'm feeling so "righteous" that I dare NOT see it .At the moment that my spirit begins to surrender ,my flesh and all its anguish, fueled by my rage and "setting the record straight" is suddenly derailed and I begin to weep, as I cry out to the Lord that I am sorry for running with my hurt feelings and demanding He STOP this stuff and ANSWER my prayers.
Another verse popped into my head. Are you familiar with the one about "mans heart being desperately wicked?" It also states that our hearts are all about deceiving or tricking us. What better example do I need than my emotions of this day? God is a total gentleman. He allowed me to run with all my strength into complete depression, at my inability to continue to trust Him. To rant about how done with all of this I was.This got me nowhere except filled with anger and despair.What a destination.
After hours of misery,and a quite justified feeling that I was quite accurate in my assessment of Gods "not coming through" quickly enough ,or removing the Cross He asks me to willingly carry in order to follow Him daily...I came to the end of myself,my emotions and anger.As Ray and I began our devotional time,I could feel my lips tremble as I said the words "God" to begin my prayer. In my heart and mind I processed not daring to speak the word "Lord" because I fully knew I had been the lord of my life all day up to that point.
As I opened my mouth and my heart, the tears began to flow and that little girl voice spoke to my daddy God.I was sorry for failing again...not believing Him...getting sick and tired of waiting. I do not get it Lord.But again I surrender to You.It's the only way to make it through . Your grace is enough.
I am preaching to ME today. I am faint of heart and weary.Beyond that I am frustrated and even bothered that God's Word has an admonition I should follow and obey concerning my being weary and losing heart.
I just want to sink into my pity party of" life is not all I hoped it would be".That's productive....not.
I got into the car after work and cried."I'm sick of this Lord." Then I called Ray and continued to show him how" pleased" I was with life today. It was a short exchange.I knew in the griping I was seeing what my enemy wanted me to see. I even said out loud "I don't want to hear what God's gonna do in the sweet bye and bye". I'm just tired and fed up.Tired of clinging to promises. Even though the Promise Maker always keeps His Word...even when I cannot see it. And even on days like today at this moment when I'm feeling so "righteous" that I dare NOT see it .At the moment that my spirit begins to surrender ,my flesh and all its anguish, fueled by my rage and "setting the record straight" is suddenly derailed and I begin to weep, as I cry out to the Lord that I am sorry for running with my hurt feelings and demanding He STOP this stuff and ANSWER my prayers.
Another verse popped into my head. Are you familiar with the one about "mans heart being desperately wicked?" It also states that our hearts are all about deceiving or tricking us. What better example do I need than my emotions of this day? God is a total gentleman. He allowed me to run with all my strength into complete depression, at my inability to continue to trust Him. To rant about how done with all of this I was.This got me nowhere except filled with anger and despair.What a destination.
After hours of misery,and a quite justified feeling that I was quite accurate in my assessment of Gods "not coming through" quickly enough ,or removing the Cross He asks me to willingly carry in order to follow Him daily...I came to the end of myself,my emotions and anger.As Ray and I began our devotional time,I could feel my lips tremble as I said the words "God" to begin my prayer. In my heart and mind I processed not daring to speak the word "Lord" because I fully knew I had been the lord of my life all day up to that point.
As I opened my mouth and my heart, the tears began to flow and that little girl voice spoke to my daddy God.I was sorry for failing again...not believing Him...getting sick and tired of waiting. I do not get it Lord.But again I surrender to You.It's the only way to make it through . Your grace is enough.
Tuesday, June 12, 2012
Forgiveness: Up Close and Personal
" And become useful and helpful and kind to one another, tenderhearted, compassionate, understanding, loving-hearted ;forgiving one another readily and freely as God in Christ forgave you." Ephesians 4 : 32
As I read this Scripture I was clobbered over the head by the phrase "readily and freely" as it pertained to forgiveness. As one who has had to forgive much,as well as be forgiven much I thought I had a pretty good handle on this.Or at best I certainly strive to be in that position. However, upon reading this verse, those words "readily and freely" stood out like a billboard. And then just as God intends His Word to do ... it pierced my heart. "It is sharper than any two edged sword, penetrating to the dividing line of the breath of life, the soul, and the immortal spirit and of joints and marrow,of the deepest parts of our nature ,exposing and sifting and analyzing and judging the very thoughts and purposes of the heart." ( Hebrews 4 : 12 )
My intention is to follow Jesus and obey His Word. My ability to accomplish this is hampered by my flesh. I am forever grateful that God sees our hearts and remembers we are man. I have labored to be one who forgives.Not because I do not want to.I believe in forgiveness so deeply. And I have forgiven much throughout my life. The problem comes when the action needed to be forgiven takes me to the place emotionally where I have been deeply wounded or "scarred" before. I believe I have forgiven.I want to. I ask God to help me . But the pain of the past keeps reminding me of how much I don't want to feel this again. So it keeps coming back.Not continuously and unrelentingly.That would be too obvious and easy to deal with.It is subtle and sneaks up from behind you when you're already on with your day and forgotten. It comes at bedtime as you lay there alone...just you and your heart and the Lord. Or on the dark,early morning drive to work when you're trying to start the day out right by surrendering your day and your will to Gods purpose. Out of seemingly nowhere it shows up wanting to take residence in my emotions and destroy me once again. "For that enemy of yours,the devil, roams around like a lion roaring in fierce hunger seeking someone to seize upon and devour." 1 Peter 5 : 8 b
As I see the pitfalls of forgiveness for me more clearly I will be able, by the grace of God and the power of the Holy Spirit, to recover more quickly,to fight the good fight and be a more obedient child of God.
On a completely human and emotional level,prior to God bringing more Scripture to my heart and mind, I was captivated by those words "readily and freely" because of three very important people in my life. My husband Ray, my daughter Mandy, and my son Ryan. They have lived with me and my brokenness and pain. They have been both blessed by the loving, compassionate heart I feel towards them and wounded by the "pain of my history" that sometimes leaks out into very normal moments of life as they see it; but upon which I have no "normal" frame of reference. The price was never theirs to pay for the "cloak of shame and pain" I wear as a survivor of abuse.They paid it by choosing to love me and by Gods sovereign Hand upon their lives as well.
The forgiveness they have offered me has been "readily and freely". When I overreact because I love them and start to feel abandoned or not remembered or cherished;They forgive. When I leave a room to gather my feelings or stop the tears from flowing,they may become annoyed, but ultimately they forgive. When they hear me say things I would never say to anyone else because I'm the "nice,Christian lady",they forgive. When I come to them ,humbly and contrite of spirit,owning my failings and sin,they forgive. AGAIN.
I want to be more like them,my beloved family. I want to forgive,readily and freely. I love them with words I cannot find. I love them with emotions captured only by endless tears. I thank my God who made them "mine" on this earth. My first family.The only family I've ever known or had. Because of that blessing to me,it has probably seemed like a curse for them at times.But they have carried it in ways that I know very little of because they have been readily and freely forgiving me.Always.
As I read this Scripture I was clobbered over the head by the phrase "readily and freely" as it pertained to forgiveness. As one who has had to forgive much,as well as be forgiven much I thought I had a pretty good handle on this.Or at best I certainly strive to be in that position. However, upon reading this verse, those words "readily and freely" stood out like a billboard. And then just as God intends His Word to do ... it pierced my heart. "It is sharper than any two edged sword, penetrating to the dividing line of the breath of life, the soul, and the immortal spirit and of joints and marrow,of the deepest parts of our nature ,exposing and sifting and analyzing and judging the very thoughts and purposes of the heart." ( Hebrews 4 : 12 )
My intention is to follow Jesus and obey His Word. My ability to accomplish this is hampered by my flesh. I am forever grateful that God sees our hearts and remembers we are man. I have labored to be one who forgives.Not because I do not want to.I believe in forgiveness so deeply. And I have forgiven much throughout my life. The problem comes when the action needed to be forgiven takes me to the place emotionally where I have been deeply wounded or "scarred" before. I believe I have forgiven.I want to. I ask God to help me . But the pain of the past keeps reminding me of how much I don't want to feel this again. So it keeps coming back.Not continuously and unrelentingly.That would be too obvious and easy to deal with.It is subtle and sneaks up from behind you when you're already on with your day and forgotten. It comes at bedtime as you lay there alone...just you and your heart and the Lord. Or on the dark,early morning drive to work when you're trying to start the day out right by surrendering your day and your will to Gods purpose. Out of seemingly nowhere it shows up wanting to take residence in my emotions and destroy me once again. "For that enemy of yours,the devil, roams around like a lion roaring in fierce hunger seeking someone to seize upon and devour." 1 Peter 5 : 8 b
As I see the pitfalls of forgiveness for me more clearly I will be able, by the grace of God and the power of the Holy Spirit, to recover more quickly,to fight the good fight and be a more obedient child of God.
On a completely human and emotional level,prior to God bringing more Scripture to my heart and mind, I was captivated by those words "readily and freely" because of three very important people in my life. My husband Ray, my daughter Mandy, and my son Ryan. They have lived with me and my brokenness and pain. They have been both blessed by the loving, compassionate heart I feel towards them and wounded by the "pain of my history" that sometimes leaks out into very normal moments of life as they see it; but upon which I have no "normal" frame of reference. The price was never theirs to pay for the "cloak of shame and pain" I wear as a survivor of abuse.They paid it by choosing to love me and by Gods sovereign Hand upon their lives as well.
The forgiveness they have offered me has been "readily and freely". When I overreact because I love them and start to feel abandoned or not remembered or cherished;They forgive. When I leave a room to gather my feelings or stop the tears from flowing,they may become annoyed, but ultimately they forgive. When they hear me say things I would never say to anyone else because I'm the "nice,Christian lady",they forgive. When I come to them ,humbly and contrite of spirit,owning my failings and sin,they forgive. AGAIN.
I want to be more like them,my beloved family. I want to forgive,readily and freely. I love them with words I cannot find. I love them with emotions captured only by endless tears. I thank my God who made them "mine" on this earth. My first family.The only family I've ever known or had. Because of that blessing to me,it has probably seemed like a curse for them at times.But they have carried it in ways that I know very little of because they have been readily and freely forgiving me.Always.
Sunday, June 10, 2012
Audrey Assad - Breaking You (Live)
This song speaks boldly to my wounded soul and my ever being renewed and restored spirit,as well as my body that carries the debris and remains of poor decision making that result from being physically, sexually, and emotionally abused the greater portions of my life until the age of 17.
It was then that "Help was on His way", and I met Christ. I went into my relationship with Him knowing I needed forgiveness.The overwhelming shame I carried and buried told me that loud and clear. It would take decades for me to understand that I indeed needed His forgiveness and salvation to enter His Kingdom, and thrive in the New Life He offered me,while at the same time I learned that this sense of "shame" was a cloak handed down to me by those who had sinned against me. In my Savior's eyes these were not one and the same. Together as we have walked these 40 years,He has shown me the difference.
Oswald Chambers wrote in My Utmost for His Highest that people often think we go through things in life to "learn" something. He also said God often takes us through things to "unlearn" something. My journey has been filled with both certainly.I thank God for His amazing grace and faithfulness to me that has continually drawn me to Him and to His undoing of that which was done to me, while at the same time reclaiming me;Spirit,Soul and Body .The undoing comes as I present myself to Him just as I am. This is not always or often a pretty presentation. That is okay with Him. He loved me in my sin before I ever knew Him. He died for me while I was in my sin and not even caring that He existed. He called me to Himself with a purpose and a plan.
It is in discovering the difference of "learning" and "unlearning" that I become more free every day. It is not a race.It is a journey, a walk in grace with the One who not only created me but saved me and has a purpose in all He has allowed to sift through His Hands and into my experience called Life.
"But on the contrary,as the Scripture says,What eye has not seen and ear has not heard and has not entered into the heart of man; all that God has prepared,made and keeps ready for those who love Him and who hold Him in affectionate reverence,promptly obeying Him and gratefully recognizing the benefits He has bestowed." 2 Corinthians 2: 9
Opening the Door
"We have to maintain our soul open to the fact of God's creative purpose, and not muddle it with our own intentions. The purpose for which the missionary is created is that he may be God's servant, one in whom God is glorified. Beware lest you forget God's purpose for your life." Oswald Chambers, My Utmost for His HighestFor years, my children and a few friends have suggested that I should write. It was easy to pass it off to them, the writing that is, because my children are really intelligent, educated, and great writers. My daughter has a Masters in English and so I have assumed that "someday" she might "tell my story". After celebrating my 40th birthday in Christ two days ago, and sharing on Facebook my testimony of coming to the Lord and the journey it has been, I reconsidered this "writing" and sharing of my story myself. This morning after church I opened a devotional to read the above quote. It hit me that possibly God wants me to glorify Him by writing this blog.
I am afraid in a way to do this.I'm always afraid. Life has often been very frightening to me. However, I also know that I am one of the most courageous people I know. Fear and courage are not mutually exclusive. I am fully aware of them both residing in my being.I always have been.I had to be to survive. I thank God that He created me in His image and likeness and with a distinct purpose. He knew my every step and breath before it came to be.His Word says they were ordained for me. Knowing that and facing that has been both a blessing and a curse.
I call this blog "My Hiding Place" with a dual purpose. First, because I know more than ever before that Jesus my Savior is indeed my Hiding Place. He protects and surrounds me with His love, grace and faithfulness. Beyond that I want to invite Him into every corner of my existence. For most of my life this was not so. I actually would hide from Him when things got too painful, sad or confusing. I would then wait until I could pull it all together or ignore it or appear as if all was wonderful and tied up in a pretty pink bow before I would open myself up to Him again. That did not work nor was it ever supposed to be that way. After all, He says in His Word, "My ways are not your ways."
My Testimony
Written June 8, 2012, on my 40th birthday in Christ.
On June 8,1972, I realized I was lost, alone and empty inside. Others I knew at 17 thought their life was only beginning. I felt dead inside and had no hope for a future based upon my life thus far. I had never really been loved, wanted or valued. Not in the ways a child should be. However, I always pondered the question then WHY was I here? The experts at my birth said I would not survive. Babies that small do not make it.
I did.
In my desperation as a teen I drank a pint of vodka straight,slit my wrist and wandered into the ocean. I survived. A still small voice called out to me. "I love you. I'm here for you. I've always been with you." I remember thinking and saying inwardly, "Jesus, is that You?" Somehow I knew it was. From that moment on I have NEVER looked back. Stumbled? Yes. Struggled? Ye
He surrounded me with a beautiful Christian family, John and Suzy Cole from Hermosa Beach who took me in as a senior in High School and "parented" me both spiritually and practically.They taught me about stability, unconditional love and how to "receive" without feeling like I owed a debt. Once when I was struggling to try and make a bargain with Suzy of "all the housework I'd do to make up for something she was buying me," she said, "Kate, I want you to learn it now so you know how to receive from Jesus all He has for you. I'm afraid you will not get it if you don't stop trying to pay people back...even steven is not the way of grace." It took a long while but I got it.
The Coles gave Ray and me our Wedding reception. Not my parents or family. They remembered my birthday every year until they went Home to be with Jesus. Upon their passing I got an envelope of pictures of my children sent back to me from their daughter saying, 'My mom carried Mandy and Ryan's pictures in her wallet and told people they were her "other" grandchildren". Hands and Heart of the Living God making me new everyday of my Senior year in High school and beyond...
My girlfriend Jennie prayed with me at church camp that God would bring me a man who loved God...within the month, I met Raymond. A perfect marriage? No. Struggles like every couple and hard work? Yes. But a Perfect Union set in motion by the Creator of our Souls? Yes. The longer we are married the more I see His absolute meshing of the needs and desires of our hearts as we continue to allow Him to make us One. To be humbled by His love and grace and open to His healing in whatever ways He sees fit for He is the Potter...we are the clay. Creator vs. created. Getting that one more everyday.
The blessing of children is something one only gets when they have experienced it. The love,heartache,worry and devotion are merely a glimpse of what our Father feels towards us.That is eye opening and amazing because there is really nothing that captivates my heart and emotions more than those two people called Mandy or Boo and Ryan or My Boy. They entered a world to parents who by the worlds standards were "broken" but in the perfect world of love and grace and forgiveness made possible by relationships with the Savior, they saw miracles happen and I believe have not even scratched the surface of what God has prepared for them yet.
This is all that opening my eyes and heart to say "Jesus is that You?" brought into my life. These are the blessings I treasure and know came from Him. We have wonderful friends and you know who you are. Each one in God's perfect timing were brought into our hearts and lives. Although we have very little time to share ,the blessing and connection remains within and we love and appreciate you all and could not overlook that provision by God either.
Bottom line. I am not RELIGIOUS. I have a RELATIONSHIP that changed my life here on earth as well as my eternal destination. Often Ray and I talk about how our lives are not anywhere we pictured them at this point in our life. That is when we look to Him for our peace, our strength and our joy. What Jesus wants for us or to accomplish in and through us is exactly that, HIS CHOICE. As we continue to seek Him, surrender to His will and try to be Salt and Light in the places He's picked for us, we find a peace only He brings.
For many years in my relationship with God there were situations I faced where all my friends and family knew I would say, "The Lord and I aren't doing so well right now". Translation: I AM HIDING FROM YOU GOD, NOT SHARING MY LIFE, HEART, FEARS OR EMOTIONS WITH YOU. WHEN I GET THIS ALL CLEANED UP, WE CAN HANG OUT AGAIN. The best years of my life have been since I stopped HIDING from Him.
HE IS MY HIDING PLACE.
The joy I feel when I run to Him crying, breaking down, feeling afraid or ashamed and HE'S THERE. He always has been.
To God be the glory for being there that day in June when I could finally hear His voice and say "Jesus, is that You?"
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)