Christmas in My Heart

As we have entered the Christmas season, I have been highly aware of the many ways people approach this celebration of the birth of Jesus Christ. For some it is just a commercial holiday that involves gift giving, family times,Christmas cheer and parties.For others it centers around the birth of Christ and has very little to do with commercialism. And for others, it is a blending of the two, as they see and find value in all the seasons traditions and merriment, while at the core of what they celebrate is the birth of the Savior of mankind, and all that means in their life. I am one of those who has always blended the two...while often feeling judged that I did.

This year I am feeling so free and blessed in celebrating this Christmas season. I am feeling joy and gratitude and wonder and magic. I am integrating the truth of God sending His Son to save the world from themselves, in a tiny baby in a manger in Bethlehem, with the whimsy of tiny elves and prancing reindeer and the joy of giving gifts to express love. They co-exist in the heart of me. While some may want to argue the points of commercialism, or the celebration of a religious holiday versus a pagan celebration of that holiday, I want to fully express the joy I feel in all of the festivities.

As this song conveys a message of offering all praise and worship to Jesus, our Savior- I too allow my expression of all things Christmas to shout out my love and gratitude to God for sending His Son to save mankind. I recognize the absolute truth in the gift of Jesus and I rejoice in that truth by this day living my life unto Him a celebration of all He has made me to be.That celebration includes for me, a manger scene as well as candy canes and garland and santas and elves and snowmen.All of this brings me joy and smiles on my face and whimsy in my heart.God has created and made ALL things and it is to His credit that we get to enjoy them.He is the giver of all gifts and so I find it difficult to separate them into either "pagan or commercial or religious" categories. I do not want to.I choose to celebrate Jesus, my Savior and His birth and all God intended from that. That has been the call upon my life and the trajectory from which my life changed and grew.Without Jesus, there is no life, no hope for me.He is my Redeemer and Lord.He is the Rock upon whom my life stands.He is also the Creator of the Universe and all things beautiful and wonderful and whimsical...because without His giftings unto men there would be no creativity.So I open my arms to all the whimsy and make believe and magic and wonder...because its all because of Him anyway. He is the Creator, the Designer, and the Giver of all gifts. I am the one receiving it all and embracing it and I am just overjoyed and grateful.

I think what I'm trying to say here is that I can be both a Worshipper at the manger in Bethlehem and ultimately at the Cross of Calvary....while still entertaining visions of sugarplums in my head.and reindeer and elves and the spirit of Santa Claus and Father Christmas. Without Christ, nothing exists that does exist.He holds all things together.He is the Alpha and the Omega.Instead I choose to thank Him for all the good and wonder and whimsy and celebrate it. I play it out every year in my Christmas decorations. I play it out every day in my creativity and the way I am attracted to whimsical decor.I allow myself to be who He created me to be, without judgement of being pagan or worldly, because I enjoy whimsical things. My ability to enjoy life and be creative comes from the God who created and redeemed me.He alone sees our hearts and why we are who we are. As we walk with Him, He will change and transform us as He sees fit. I am so happy to be celebrating Jesus and Christmas with my family and friends and knowing that it is all a gift from Him. In turn I offer my MERRY CHRISTMAS to Him...all the cards, the lights, the garland and decor...the baking and the candlelights burning...the whimsical characters that make me smile...each present chosen  and wrapped  for those I love...are all a thank you and a celebration of my Lord and all He has gifted me in this life.

For years , I worried and felt judged that possibly even in Christmas , I might be "doing it wrong". My heart was so belonging to Jesus..but I loved everything whimsical about the holiday as well. I wanted it all to celebrate Him but I liked some of the whimsy and fun aspects as well...the worldly things I guess. Now I understand that I am not of this world , so what I celebrate could not be of this world. If you choose to celebrate Christmas another way or not at all, I agree with your God given right to choose. I also will not shudder under peoples judgement that as a Christian, I cannot enjoy some of the whimsical things of Christmas. I can. I am free in Christ and I have liberty in Him.

Merry Christmas to all. Happy Birthday Jesus,my Savior. Thank you for making all things new in You.

The Joseph Syndrome

This past two weeks of retirement have set me upon a new path. It was not one I sought, or yearned for; nor is it one of great service to humanity or the Body of Christ. It is however one birthed by the circumstances I have found myself in and the result of continued prayer and seeking Gods face,  that I might be of service to Him, to both magnify and glorify His name.

Almost two years ago I found out I had a condition that is both genetic in predisposition, and aggravated  by physical conditions in my own personal body.

I did what the doctor  ordered and there was no recurrence of the symptoms. Until last week.

Amidst my new found confusion of retirement, although exhilarated by my not having to go to work, was also a lack of direction so to speak. It took several weeks for me to adapt  to new sleeping schedules, more freedom,the balance between "I want to" versus "I have to". During this time, the visitor of my aging physical body came to call, and with it a great opportunity for my Father in Heaven to shine His Light into dark caverns and corners of my heart, that I knew existed, but did not understand needed attention. Does not Romans 8:28 assure us that "all things work together for the good of those called according to His purpose?" Indeed it does, and it has played out this week in such a way that my heart is leaping with praise and gratitude.

As I write about this, let me add that you may not understand. Or you might find it impossible that people can be smart, functional, pretty regular folks, yet be so broken by the sins against them, and the ones they chose along the way, that they are actually enslaved to things they have no clue are keeping them in bondage. However it does happen. And by the grace of God, He is there to layer by layer, find and heal the brokenness. This is yet another glance into this journey of grace and mercy and miracles. At least to me it is.

I believe in satan and his cronies. The Bible tells us that "we wrestle not against flesh and blood but against principalities and powers of darkness". I also believe that my God is stronger and the winner of every real battle, but it does not mean that I do not or have not been caught in the cross fire. It is with the  understanding of that,I share what I do here.

Prior to my birth , there was violence and much stress on my mother during the pregnancy due to alcoholism, and dysfunction of many kinds. I was born two and a half months premature. In excess of fifty plus years ago, the news was not encouraging. In fact the words, "she will not make it, call your priest" were actually spoken.  But God called me to existence, and had His plans and purpose for my life.I survived.

Many years of abandonment, and physical, sexual and emotional abuse followed. I often WISHED I had died.But I did not.

I lost my brother Michael to cystic fibrosis when I was nine years old. I wished it had been me. I was reminded that it was Michael and not me , "because only the good die young." Uplifting message for a nine year old who had lost the only constant in her life.

Throughout my life I was tormented with thoughts of suicide and death. At seventeen, I tried to kill myself. Jesus saved me both metaphorically and physically. He drastically changed my life, but I still was in the crossfire.

Being diagnosed with PTSD and traumatic amnesia, some of this is part of the deal. If I was not thinking at times of taking my life, I was terrified everyday that Ray or my children would die.Not in a way that I would give a voice to, because I loved and trusted God..and besides that a Christian would not feel that way...but it was there oppressing me always.

Thankfully there was more victory than defeat but the theme was always there. But I was not really aware of this until this past couple weeks.

Within days of my retirement, satan was whispering pretty consistently in my ear, that my new venture in this part of my life was to finally get out of my stress filled profession, only to die. Seriously. These random thoughts would enter my mind and I would feel kind of awkward but didn't really pay them any mind.

As I had a re-occurrence of symptoms of my aforementioned condition, I began to feel absolute panic.

In my desperation, that just so happened to coincide with my private devotions and prayer journaling, Gods gentle nudging and light bearing presence caused me to see several traps the enemy has oppressed me with throughout my life.

Death.      Shame.      Fear.

As if on an exploratory mission, He showed me how satan had layered them, one upon another,through the years, driven by the circumstances of my life, to ensnare me and tangle me up.

Throughout my life, normal things that happen to people cause me severe shame. Getting sick and even embracing my aging physical body, has shown me that the expectations of "perfection" have seeped into every corner of my life.And the sidecar to this disastrous expectation is that I've never valued myself enough to even believe I am worth it, living that is. Its almost as if I didn't exist, except I did. Sounds crazy, I know but there are a lot  of people in this world who feel invisible and non existent.They just don't realize it or can't and they certainly rarely share it. Lots of taking care of others and addictions and perfectionism keep them busy so they are unable to see it.I thank God that He is complete and perfect in all He does.Little by little He is "restoring my soul". And although "I may walk through the valley of the shadow of  death, I shall fear no evil." I am trusting in His promise, that "His goodness and mercy shall follow me all the days of my life."

These past two weeks, God allowed me to embrace Him in an even deeper way and to continue on my journey of learning He is my All in All. The unwanted and unaware child hiding in the corners of my soul can peek out and hear His clam,assuring voice.Through His presence and His Word I can risk being afraid and lean into His great mercy and comfort. The Light enables me to peek out and see myself unaware, and yet be drawn to something incredibly beautiful and peaceful...my Fathers heart towards me. His goodness and mercy are following me.

I guess my bigger message here is that just as God continues to see us and reveal Himself to us in our brokenness and sin, that we would be tender and kind and compassionate to others around us.I have always said that everyone has a story. They may or may not ever share it or really feel its impacted them. For whatever reasons, God has called me to recognize and share both my wounds, battles and victories.My prayer is that in His perfect Hands, I can bring some transparency and some comfort and some hope.

"As for you, you thought evil against me, but God meant it for good, to bring about that many people should be kept alive, as they are this day." Genesis 50:20

On the evening that I was struggling the most with some of this, I just happened to share some with Ray after our devotions and prayer time. I told him of the whisperings of "death" , satan had been coming against me with. Right after I told Ray this, my finger bumped something on my phone that opened my phone up to Pinterest. The page opened up to this.

        "God knows your life from start to finish. And it won't be over until God says its over."
                         "You have nothing to fear. "

Circumstance? Coincidence? I think not. I choose to think not.I choose to see " every good and perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of Lights, with whom there is no variation or shifting of shadow due to change." James 1:17 English Standard Version

 I choose to trust and believe in Him who loves me" with an everlasting  love."  Jeremiah 31:3

This week has opened my eyes up to more of King Jesus. Savior.Great Physician. Healer. Friend.
           

To Be or Not to Be. That is the Question.

This is my first blog entry since entering "retirement."

How funny it is that I thought the first thing I would do is start writing daily. And yet I have not.

It's okay to not do what we think we will, should or ought to be doing. It's okay to be.

The definition of do is" to perform, or complete". The definition of be  is to "exist".

The past several weeks I have been existing, rather than performing. It has been comfortable at times, and relaxing. Then on other occasions I have struggled internally with expectations that I alone project upon myself to perform and produce. It has been nice to have the freedom to wrestle with this. Retirement has offered me the luxury of this opportunity.

Let me be honest and say,  I am far more comfortable with doing, rather than being. Although I exist, its often been easier for me to view myself as a collector of rules, roles and  obligations to be met and deadlines to keep, rather than just a soul , created by God for His purpose and enjoyment and fellowship.

That may sound awkward to many, but to me it was my reality.

When I became pregnant with my children, gave birth to them and raised them, I was ever aware of the preciousness and value of their existence. It was fact and not debatable. It has been obvious in the lives they have lived that they understand this. It has become obvious to me of how that was completely absent from the core of my being and identity and became even more pronounced especially in this time of early retirement. How loving and intimate is my Fathers heart towards me, that He continues to reveal Himself to me and speak deep within my heart, that I may be transformed and changed and thus  become obedient to His will for me.

Recently the Lord spoke to me about being humble. I have often seen myself as a humble person, and known myself as a person who has struggled for my lifetime with "unworthiness". As I sat in His presence His Holy Spirit began to shed light on my confusion of sorts.As I brought  my humility and unworthiness before His throne, He began to ask questions  that could only come from Him ,and give answers that I did not know. For example, He spoke to me about "unworthiness" being rooted in pride rather than humility.Lord that cannot be. After all I pride myself on being a humble person. Exactly my child. You pride yourself on that. Pride. He then continued to show me that I have lived my life either comparing myself to others and never measuring up, or being defensive and protective at some level, because I knew they were judging me and I would not measure up. The unworthiness was all wrapped up in the pride, while disguising itself as some form of humility.

Having no normalcy in my upbringing, I was always grasping for what appeared to be the right or best or good thing to do.I had no idea of any intrinsic value in my being. The messages became mixed up at times because I was a child with no parents. no direction, no love or feeling of being cared for or of any value. The best thing is I do not have to live there anymore. God has called me to Himself. He gave His Son to cleanse me and set me free.His Holy Spirit resides within me to teach, guide and direct me.I am free to live the life Christ has given me to live. I am assured of this for Acts 17:28 states "For in Him we live and move and have our being." I live in Him. I have my being in Him.Everything I am or ever will be is because of Him. His death, burial and resurrection seals the deal and makes it so.

In the grace of God,  the doing and being need not war against one another. Because we know we are in Him, and the relationship is based on what He has done, we can be free.In that freedom we may sometimes grow in our being.As a direct result of that being growth period , we may then go on and do in ways unknown to us before. In Gods perfect balance there is both room and purpose for both. 

As I get more adapted to my new season of life, I am ever grateful for Gods interruptions. He Alone knows the path He has set for me and is ever present. As I listen for Him, He brings truth to me.He is neither a task master nor an objective observer. He has a plan and purpose. Philippians 2:13 says " For God is working in you,giving you the desire and the power to do what pleases Him."

He holds the key to being and doing. There are no mixed messages.My obedience and submission activate the key He holds, opening the door to many possibilities.

Staycation:A Trip Worth Taking

As staycation slowly winds down and the end is in sight, I find myself sad at its departure and yet so grateful and refreshed at its existence.

Setting out on staycation, we certainly had things in mind to do and to accomplish. We were able to do both.

Getting things done around your home that you put off during the work week and weekends, feels tremendously good to me.I am detail oriented by nature, and a re-covering perfectionist (LOL) and so I just have to get to things eventually. Ray may not exactly feel this way, but he does hop on board every year and together we accomplish what has previously been ignored. Because we are aging I count on that help and togetherness much more than when I was young and "could do it myself". The benefits  of a long and lasting love affair and marriage are countless. You started off young,knowing everything, and in a hurry to get on with life.As life moved on, you became aware of how little you knew, and how that helpmate just might know some things you not only didn't  know ,but never cared to know.It takes place on both sides of the relationship and you begin to amass more knowledge, respect, wisdom and love. I can sit for hours and listen to my husband talk. For years, he was quiet and by some measuring sticks he still may be, but when its just he and I the conversation flows.I love it that it does. It speaks volumes to me of years for both of us, where we were neither seen , heard or valued. But God in His great mercy and wisdom saw us and directed us to one another to both love and heal one another.I neither saw this possibility nor imagined it as a young bride. As we worked on various chores during staycation, I was able to see how we have grown and matured.I do not have to get it all done today and perfectly at that. He does not have to be aggravated at who I am or how I am and be immature in response to me. Together we have come to know its okay to be who we are as individuals, and to realize that together we are better than we are alone and to be team players in order to get where we are going.It is a blessing to see these things in the midst of chores. And life is kind of like that. The busyness and work of life is ever present. But what do we miss along the way that could give us joy? What lessons are right in front of us? What blessings do we overlook in the chaos? My prayer is that as we go back to the work place, that we are able to remember some of what we had time to see on staycation.

After the chores and "have-to's" we moved onto seeing our kids visiting from Portland and our friends,whom we rarely see because of Rays work schedule and long hours and fatigue.

Blessings. Abundance of Heart .Laughter. Comfort. Hopes and Dreams.

There is no love like a parents love for their children. To be able to spend time together when you have been separated is like no other time. You wish you could freeze moments and pull them out at anytime for an extra dose of love on a bad day. Instead you treasure them and breathe them in slowly to not miss a single second.As a parent to see your adult children re-united and carrying on as they always have, is both rewarding and refreshing. My kids enjoy one another and the craziness of their laughter and ridiculous names they have for one another, make my heart smile so wide. It takes me back to days gone by, of best friends and siblings, co-existing in the rooms of our home.It reminds me of the speech I gave them as young children, that one day daddy and I would be gone, and they would have friends and spouses, but they alone are sister and brother and to not take it lightly nor  for granted.Of the legacy God has given to Ray and I, through these amazing people He created in my womb. I am truly humbled by Gods grace and faithfulness to us and our family.In the midst of these emotions and recollections, I am aware of my Fathers love towards me. It is beyond imagining because I love my children so deeply. Yet I know His is the perfect love and beyond all we can think or imagine.Another lesson in the daily school of life and staycation..

I have always heard that "if you have a handful of friends, you are blessed".It is true. As a young person and teenager I was pretty outgoing and prided myself on having lots of friends. Even as a young couple, Ray and I had a lot of people to hang out with and have fun with . Friends. As time went on and life had its ups and downs, and maybe life wasn't all we thought or hoped it would be, how funny the drop off of friends.Due to LIFE, perhaps we were not as fun as we once were. Or perhaps we had some challenges from our past we needed to address and were not so perfect as we once appeared. I mean we never were. That was a cover-up anyway.The bottom line is, I really began to assess what a friend was, and what being a friend was. We now have some wonderful friends. I have two very good friends in Heaven whom I cannot wait to be re-united with.Our friends these days know exactly who we are, and what our quirks or struggles are and they love and support us just the same.They are patient with horrible working hours and dozing eyes from sleepiness.They are understanding or at least accepting of someone with many wounds and scars like me.They are loved and appreciated by us. So as in all things looked at today, the old saying has merit. We are blessed.It is not the number of friends one has, but the blessedness of the friendship."Thank you for being a friend".

Lastly, I would like to talk about the refreshment of being in Gods Word and presence, with no time constraints.This was the most rewarding and renewing of staycations benefits. Prayer, worship, reading and fellowship whenever. No schedules or timelines.Free to hear and be heard.So awesome to sit in His presence and be still and know that He is God.To be filled with so much gratitude that the lump in your throat barely moves.To be at peace in a world that makes no sense.To come to Him with a prayer list knowing He cares for you and those you care for. To recognize His faithfulness and grace abounds.

All of this amidst the same struggles and seemingly unanswered prayers.Mandy still has no contracted job. But she has a job.Mocha has some presenting health issues.But she is still wagging her tail and happy and has none of the symptoms they say she should have.Ray and I are nearing retirement and have many questions and few answers at this point.I have a year until my 40th Wedding Anniversary and I had a weight I was heading for. I'm still heading there but not where I'd hoped I'd be by now. Still struggling.But I know Who I am in this journey with and the countless promises He makes towards His own are mine. No matter what the situation or feeling ,it is my responsibility and privilege to lay it down at His throne. Sometimes its hard,but it gets easier.As I cried every time I looked into Mocha's eyes last week, I had to let her go. I told my Father in Heaven, I knew He had given her to us and He knows how much we love her. Then I said Lord I put Mocha in Your Hands. I have had peace since then and only the start of the feeling of a tear welling up.Instead of going with the sad, I go with the visual of my beautiful big chocolate Lab in the palm of my Heavenly Father's Hands.

I told Ray the other day, that although we have not traveled far and wide, or eaten exotic foods or even done what some consider customary for vacation...I feel so blessed and adventurous.As God allows me to sink more into Him ,I see so much open up before the eyes of my spirit.I want to go back and visit the places of refreshment, renewal and hope. He truly is My Hiding Place.Staycation or not.

Jesus.Others.You.

 So on this journey toward joy that I embarked upon this staycation, I am pleasantly surprised, although not shocked , at what I am discovering.

It is basically  the same truth that I always discover when seeking truth. God has it. Me, not so much. My ways are not His ways.

Along my journey in life,as I have expressed before, I have seen and encountered and been affected by sin and its ravages at a pretty young age and beyond. It had a profound impact upon how I viewed life, people and God. It caused me to have internal dialogues with myself, and to make promises or covenants with myself based on those experiences. Some helped me to survive. Others, while helping me to survive, created  things I would have to re-visit in life and with God's grace and help, they would need to be  unraveled  and be made new in my thought processes and in my choices and decisions in life.

One thing I have consistently found to be true is that the holy, perfect Father allows me to choose, explore, create and implement any and all solutions or answers to my questions or dilemmas along the way. But He is always within reach when I come to the end of me. Patiently waiting as a matter of fact I'm sure.As I have alluded to here often in my ramblings on My Hiding Place,Gods economy, way of looking at things, and His fix to most things are in direct opposition to mans answers.The longer I walk with Him and the more I listen to Him, and obey, the more I find this to be true.

As I began this journey toward joy, I knew in my Spirit, it would be His revelations that would make me trust that I was experiencing it or recognizing what it could be. However as a human being, I certainly wondered if I could imagine how it would translate into my "feeling" realm.I wasn't sure about that one. What I was sure about, and even gave a voice to it not being was an old Sunday school song  called JOY. I told the Lord, I was so glad we were embarking on this journey together to find joy. How grateful I was ( that I just knew )  that old dumb song I heard at the age of 17, was definitely not the definition of joy.

                 Jesus
                 Others
                  You

I thought it a cute enough song, but kind of dumb and child like.After all, I was newly saved. What did I know about anything, except Jesus had forgiven me and made me new. The becoming new had just begun.

So here, I am, forty one years later, still walking on the road with Jesus.The becoming new has been progressing over these decades with Him. Of late, I have felt like I have been having an "Emmaus road" walk with my Savior. He is there . He is Who He has always been.He is ever the same. I am just seeing Him more clearly. I am hearing Him anew. I am experiencing what Luke wrote about in Luke 24:32 when he said of the men walking the road to Emmaus; "And they said to one another,"Did not our heart burn within us while He talked with us on the road, and while He opened the Scriptures to us?" Indeed I am feeling that way. More of Him. Less of me and my ideas of what I think He meant. More of me just taking His Word, and Him at His Word, and obeying, accepting, surrendering.

 In light of that, I have learned in the first two weeks of August 2013, that indeed that simple song and the , acronym for JOY is not dumb, nor annoying, nor some sickeningly sweet way to try and convince ourselves to be "Christian" and be happy.It truly is the definition of joy, for the one who chooses to follow Jesus. As we put Him first, we become less invested in ourselves. We become more humble, loving and gentle. The agenda of our life is not ever upon us, but rather on Him and all He has planned and purposed for us.That in turn causes us to pray more for others, care more about the world around us spinning out of control and realize we hold the answer. It is simply Jesus. His Love. His Forgiveness. His Compassion.We are Him to this planet. His Hands and His Feet. I loved these concepts before. Perhaps I occasionally experienced being these things. I also believed "others" not me were the ones who could walk in this daily. I no longer buy into that.

The discovery of joy has been wonderful, and yet completely unexpected. It is not elusive or unattainable. It is not reserved for those who lean towards being jovial or fun in their nature. It is not a personality trait that I was not privy to. It resides deep within me as I cling to the Refuge of my soul.It is a gift of the Holy Spirit.

In a practical, life affirming type of validation, we saw our son from Portland and his wife over the weekend. Talk about joy! And happiness! And love! All of these things were present.

Monday morning as we shared a goodbye cup of coffee with Ryan, we had been speaking of many things. Retirement, living with less,knowing life is about relationships, especially one with Christ, not needing new toys or travels. He then very seriously conveyed this thought: " You are the happiest people I know, and you do not need, nor have much of what the world deems necessary to make one happy."  That was received with thanksgiving and humility. If our children can see that in us, knowing us as they do, weaknesses and all...its definitely joy abiding.

Truth : A Directive Toward Joy

On this journey toward discovering joy, I am re-discovering how true the Word of God is when He declares in Isaiah 55:8 the following; "For My thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways My ways, says the Lord". In  fact ,what I am truly discovering is how polar opposite His ways and wisdom and guidance are from mans.

As I was spending some quiet time the other day with the Lord, I was presented with the thought that I was indeed a proud person and not humble, in some aspects of my experience of life and personality.

I knew it was the Holy Spirit whispering because this type of assessment was too real, too true for it to come out of my own heart. After all,  haven't I always "prided" myself on being a humble person, and not a proud one? Exactly. Prided myself. All about me. I think I am a nice,loving,giving person and I very well might be. But Gods Word says this about my heart  in Jeremiah 17:9 "The heart is deceitful above all things,and desperately wicked. Who can know it?"  As I walk deeper and further in His presence,I continue to see that the way to become like my Lord, is to fully believe that He knows man and He came because we needed to be saved and rescued from ourselves.

Obviously as a Christian, I know I'm a sinner and I need forgiveness, cleansing,, New Life in Christ, a re-birth.But after all of that ,do I minute by minute, day by day embrace the fact that Gods Word is the bottom line for me? My  thoughts, actions,character and life are to be formed and patterned after it. In theory, I absolutely do believe this. In the practice and living out of my life I often fall far short of it. But as I embrace what He came to rescue me from, and look to His Word and example as the way out of my natural failures, I am seeing that by His grace and direction, I too can become like Him.

In the quiet time as He spoke to me about being proud, it was such a revelation. As I said I felt I was a pretty humble person. His Spirit questioned Why then ,do you care about what people think of you? Why do you strive so to be understood and accepted? Why does it bother you and make you angry when people act as if they are better than you ? These things are rooted in your pride,child. I am humble and meek.Learn of Me.

It is of far greater impact when it meets you right where you live,than it is when you simply read it. Gods Word that is. I have read of Christ's humility and character often. I knew I wasn't exactly like Him,but I really thought I made a good effort at being humble.The effort then becomes "works" and my works are as dirty rags before Jesus. What I need is to be"transformed by the renewing of my mind" as Paul says in Romans 12:2. I get transformed by His Word becoming alive in me as I live out my life. This includes removing all my preconceived ideas about how and who I am.Or for that matter even,seeing myself as the central character.Paul says in Galatians 2:20 "I have been crucified with Christ,it is no longer I who live, but Christ lives in me; and the life that I now live in the body I live by faith (by adherence to and reliance on and complete trust in) the Son of God Who loved me and gave Himself up for me."

I have always spoken to my loved ones about how I see God as having a completely different economy than man.By that I mean that almost every answer or solution to mans problems that man comes up with, doesn't  truly work. More often it creates other problems or diversions. If we look to Gods Word, it is complete. It has all the answers.As we accept that He knows all about us ,and all the ways to save, rescue and transform us, we can go forward in obedience, trusting Him to make us new. As we become new,we will become like Him and thus be equipped through the power of His Holy Spirit, to do all He asks of us as His disciples.

As a footnote to these thoughts on pride and humbleness, another of the songs on Audrey Assad's latest CD fit perfectly into these truths.I will be including them as a way of defining humble as it pertains to the character of our Lord,Jesus.

                    Humble and human, willing to bend You are
                    Fashioned of flesh and fire of life You are
                    Not too proud to wear our skin
                    To know this weary world we're in
                 
                    Humble Humble Jesus

                    Humble in sorrow,You gladly carried Your cross
                    Never refusing Your life to the weakest of us
                    Not too proud to bear our sin
                    To feel this brokenness we're in

                    Humble Humble Jesus

                   We bow our knee
                   We must decrease
                    And You must increase
                   We lift You high

                   Humble in greatness
                   Born in the likeness of man
                   Name above all names
                   Holding our world in Your Hands
                   Not too proud to dwell with us
                   To live in us,to die for us

                   Humble Humble Jesus

                   We bow our knee
                   We must decrease
                   And You must increase
                   We lift You high

                 Humble You are
                 Make me humble
                 Like You
                 We lift You high

Joy Unfolding

The journey toward joy continues. Yesterday, after making a concerted effort, along with my Love, to embrace this time as a time of renewal and examination, we came face to face with the wiles of the devil. He comes only to "kill, steal, and destroy". Unfortunately, we fell for a time, to his deception and lies. You know, how in the real world he makes us think we are frustrated, hurt by or otherwise bothered by those we would normally give our lives breath for...that kind of lie. That nonsense continued far longer than I'd hoped for, but ultimately we all "saw" really what was happening. We confessed and apologized and asked for forgiveness...for joining in a game that should never have been played.

We truly are like dumb sheep. We desperately need Our Shepherd.

So, prior to the onslaught, I had been poring over the lyrics to a new song by Audrey Assad. They have haunted my soul since I first heard them. This is my hearts cry on this journey toward joy.

                    From the love of my own comfort

                    From a fear of having nothing

                    From a life of worldly passions 

         

                    Deliver me, Oh God

                   From a need to be understood

                   From a need to be accepted

                   From the fear of being lonely

                   Deliver me, Oh God

                   Deliver me, Oh God

                   And I shall not want

                   No, I shall not want

                   When I taste Your goodness

                   I shall not want

                  From a fear of serving others

                  Oh from the fear of death or trial

                  And from a fear of humility

                   Deliver me, Oh God

                   Yes, deliver me, Oh God

             

When I read these words and hear the melody to this song, I feel so real inside as I worship my God.

All these words are true, and I have yet to master my position in both being delivered and not wanting.

But what I know is that  Paul spoke Gods very words when he wrote in Philippians 1:6 "And I am convinced,and sure of this very thing, that He Who began a good work in you will continue until the day of Jesus Christ (right up to the time of His return) developing that good work and perfecting it and bringing it to full completion in you."

It is with that hope and assurance that I go forward each day in Him. Sometimes running with anticipation, other days carried by His grace alone.

All along the way, I am ever in His Hand. He knows the end from the beginning. He holds all things together by His Word. He makes all things work together for my good.

It is a journey. A walk with Him. Each walk starts with single steps.One foot in front of the other, one step at a time. He is my Guide. "Your Word is a lamp to my feet and a light to my path." Psalm 119:105

On the Road Toward Joy

My journey towards the discovery of joy has begun. New roads are often full of the unexpected. The word joy paints a different picture in my minds eye than what I am visualizing already. However, this is not unusual in this opposite economy ,in a different world, where I walk with my Heavenly Father, His Son Jesus Christ and our Comforter, the Holy Spirit.

Thus far, God has spoken to me, that I must decrease and He must increase.
That I must be delivered from me,that I might taste of His goodness and thus I shall not want.
That I should muster the courage to say YES to my life, trusting Him that He is in control and with me, EVEN in my struggles.

I thought I was doing this, or at least some of it. And indeed I have been. Trying. Failing. Falling.
But ever pursuing.

The God we serve is the perfect parent. Who, of any of us, did not push, nudge, inspire and desire the best both for our kids, and of them. I know I did. And have. And still do.

How can I look at my Father, and think He deserves any less? His grace allows me to continue. His love calls me to the deeper things. It is so simple ,I oft cannot grasp it.

The words, thrown around in recovery circles and in spiritual conversations, often say Let Go and Let God. It has rung in my ears for years and appeared as billboards before my minds eye often. Yet here I stand. Not really getting it.

I am here, Oh God, deliver me. Just as years ago I faced that I did not know how to surrender and you helped me learn that. I think I understand that I get the Let God part, but only have scraped the surface of the Let Go.

One need not be a control freak to not fully understand letting go. Believe me, I have let go of tons....but there must be a deeper letting go He's talking about.

Onward and upward. Destination Joy.

Joy. A Place Unknown.

So today is the first day of August and the first day of" staycation" for Ray and I. We both decided the very first day would be a day of absolutely no commitment to anything except savoring the concept of vacation.

For both of us ,that idea is a unique and different reality.

Ray's first thing after breakfast and coffee was saying, "it's a nice cool day, perfect to clean up the cars." Although this would not be relaxing to everyone or seen as "doing nothing", it has always been one of his go to things since before I married him. There is something about a nice clean car he likes and the work involved is a form of relaxation to him. I remember asking him after we were married, what he did the morning of our wedding day. I should have known. Of course, he washed his car.

I have spent my morning "organizing" in my mind what I need or want to accomplish this first week before my kids come from Portland next weekend.At the same time I was able to listen to some new music by Audrey Assad from her new CD "Fortunate Fall."

As always her music speaks to me in a very personal way.The thrust of this CD seems to be embracing our humanity,our weaknesses and sin, while at the same time celebrating our Father Gods plan to send a Savior, wherein we would find both salvation and purpose.

As I listened to the lyrics and beautiful melodies, I found that I look at it all wrong. Audrey was singing of our broken humanity, while celebrating all that we have in Christ,despite our sin,our pain, our circumstances.The joy inherent in the relationship and hope.

Over the past month or so I have realized that although I am a person who knows and lives within the "peace that passes understanding", I am not a very joyful person.

I often attributed this to my depravity and exposure to evil at a very young age.

As I walk with the Lord, and age, I realize I want to experience joy. Not happiness which is fleeting , and often circumstantially based. I have known that throughout my life. NO! I want to know joy.

I have seen over the years that satans road to my destruction is despair. I have lived with that emotion and reality throughout most of my life. It arises within, whenever the familiar winds of loss or sadness or disappointment loom around me. It is a constant battle,and one I have waged fairly successfully because of Gods grace and faithfulness.  BUT.

I want to know joy.

This" staycation" is going to be a journey towards joy. I know that joy is a gift of the Holy Spirit, so therefore I know it is mine. I just have not found it yet, nor unwrapped it.

Here's to gifts unknown and unwrapped. Here's to a journey of finding something I felt I'd never know. Here's to a trip paid for by my Savior's blood and love. Here's to the open arms and heart of that little one within me.

Let Go and Let God.

A Deconstructed Fairy Tale

As Father's Day approaches I feel sort of empty. On the one hand, I am happy to celebrate my husband, the father of my children and all he is. The other hand is full of how I perceive and experience and understand and relate to my Heavenly Father.Now that my hands are full up with these relationships ,I look into my heart and see the emptiness of having no real happy "my father" memories or  feelings.

As I look on Facebook, I see many people posting wonderful, sincere sayings of loss in missing the fathers who have passed.As I see them I wish I felt that way or could. Unfortunately my response to my own fathers passing was that I had lost him decades before. In reality I never had him.After the relationship,or lack thereof that we had, was over and he was gone, I could not see it or feel it any other way.I saw peoples discomfort in my response to his death, but they had not lived my life. For one of the rare moments in my life with him, I actually was honest to myself and to others with that response.Their discomfort with my reality was interesting to me.It gave me more understanding of why people pretend, wear masks, drink, drug, sleep around, overeat, starve , overspend and the lists of addiction go on in the way people try to cope with the realities of life. And the most obvious one of all was recognizing peoples response to my own reality...of wanting to not see it or accept it or give it a voice or a face.To not hear the words I said in regards to his death,although it was one of my most honest statements ever, both to myself and the world at large. To act as if everything was perfectly okay while knowing that's not really how it is, not for everyone.I got it. Its hard to hear. Its also hard to live a lie.

For most of my life, my father was a pretend character in my heart.His alcoholism, his emotional and physical abandoning of me and absence  period, kept me yearning for the fairy tale prince I imagined him to be. Because he was very handsome, and charming and funny, others saw him as attractive as well. I'm sure his lies of why his kids were not with him,made him the object of others sympathy. Being manipulative has its benefits.One can twist any story into a truth.Unfortunately that story,manipulation, and lie made my very existence a lie that I carried into my own heart and life for decades.

My Heavenly Father wrote a different story for me, His daughter. In this story ,there really is a Prince. That Prince gave His life for me ,that I might live forevermore.That Prince met me at the very place I was and accepted me and gave me New Life. That Prince gave me Peace in the midst of a chaotic life filled with doubt, and terror and no stability. That Prince gave me Healing and Hope to a heart broken by lies,manipulation and abandonment. That Prince said He would never leave me nor forsake me. That Prince said He wrote my name in His Book of Life that no one can erase. I have a Father, a Family and a Home: never to be taken away from me.

It is funny how we believe Fairy Tales sometimes but not the unerring Word of God. I am grateful that in His perfect Love my Heavenly Father, rewrote my story. I began to see the untruths in the fairy tale, while I slowly began to see the beautiful story in the ugly truths of my life. Wherever the real Prince shows up, there can be a fairy tale ending. I cling to this hope this day as I feel the sadness and emptiness of not really having a daddy. I look forward to seeing the Prince of Peace sitting at the right hand of my Heavenly Father. What an ending to this story that will be. "And she lived happily forever after."

" But on the contrary,as the Scripture says, What eye has not seen and ear has not heard and has not entered into the heart of man all that God has prepared (made and keeps ready) for those who love Him ( who hold Him in affectionate reverence,promptly obeying Him and gratefully recognizing the benefits He has bestowed)".  1 Corinthians 2:9

A Son's Birthday. A Mothers Heart.Gods Definition of Love.

One year ago today I posted a JJ Heller song  and wrote a post celebrating my son's birthday. Here we are again getting ready to celebrate his 30th birthday! And as God would have it, I have a new song by JJ Heller that matches what God has been doing in my heart of late. It completely captures what I have learned in the last year, being separated from Ryan and Brenda, due to their re-location to Portland, and how that has been used by God to grow me to be more like Him and to choose love, above everything else. 

Paul writes in 1Corinthians 13: 4-8, the following. "Love endures long and is patient and kind; love never is envious nor boils over with jealousy, is not boastful or vainglorious,does not display itself haughtily. It is not conceited (arrogant and inflated with pride); it is not rude(unmannerly) and does not act unbecomingly. Love(God's love in us) does not insist on its own rights or its own way,for it is not self seeking; it is not touchy or fretful or resentful; it takes no account of the evil done to it(it pays no attention to a suffered wrong). It does not rejoice at injustice and unrighteousness, but rejoices when right and truth prevail.Love bears up under anything and everything that comes, is ever ready to believe the best of every person,its hopes are fadeless under all circumstances, and it endures everything(without weakening). Love never fails(never fades out or becomes obsolete or comes to an end).

Clearly as one reads this definition of Love, it seems overwhelming to grasp the depth of it and impossible to imagine doing it. Or better yet, lets make this personal and make  I statements. I love what it says. I would love to love this way. I am a human being, a sinner saved  by God's grace and I have a better chance of doing the exact opposite of all of these than I do, of actually loving like this.  BUT GOD!

 It is because of what God's grace has done in my heart and life that I desire to love this way.It is because of the forgiveness of my transgressions and continual failures, that I am able to fathom love like this. It is because of the continued efforts and drawings of the Holy Spirit's work in my life that I even consider choosing to love in this manner. And that, combined with the God given gift of love that a parent has for her child,that has made me able to desire this choice.

This past year has been difficult at times, and an adjustment of the heart and mind at all times.Transformation is a better word choice. I can adapt and adjust all day long, but it is only by God's transforming power and my surrender to His will that I can truly have any measure of success. Philippians 4:13 states " I have strength for all things in Christ Who empowers me (I am ready for anything and equal to anything through Him Who infuses inner strength into me;I am self sufficient in Christ's sufficiency). It is only through Him that I can do this thing of choosing love.

My mothers heart misses all that I hoped we would share. My mothers heart yearns to have more time, and quality time together, because I know time flies by and we will never pass this way again.My mothers heart had a vision of what would be and this was never part of it.My mothers heart has felt broken too many times to count and tears have been my continual companion.The enemy has come often to "kill , steal and destroy" as he paints ugly tales that trigger my emotions from years of loss, abandonment and abuse.

However in the midst of all the loneliness, what if's and trying desperately to harden my heart and "not care" to mask  the pain...the love that I feel and have felt for my child for 30 years and nine months prior to his birth,floods over me and reminds me I am a mother. The job description from the beginning is one of a host or servant.

Initially I am there to provide the womb in which this being can grow; providing nourishment,protection and the breath of life as deemed by our Creator, in the miracle of pregnancy. As labor and delivery approach I again determine to do what is best for this my child. I buckle down and do the work it takes to bring him safely and lovingly into this world and my waiting arms, no matter how long or difficult the process, and despite the pain. Upon first meeting him, outside my body, and now warm and full in my arms, I look 
into his innocence and determine to do all I can,always, to show him I love him and to be who I am called to be in his life. His mother.

So it is from the beginning; this relationship of chosen in equality. Although we are both independent beings, the ties that bind us are forever fused in this,my mothers heart. There is nothing I can do to stop it and praise God, even if I could, I would choose not to.

In just the tiniest way, here in my flesh, I get to experience a dot and shadow of the outstanding measure of the love of God. Together with His help and grace and creative powers I get to mirror His love to both myself and my child.I get to give unselfishly, to place his needs above and beyond my own, to be committed in ways unimagineable, and to forever choose love, whatever and however that may play itself out. No matter how it feels. This kind of love is not based on feelings. It is a choice.

So on we go, my boy and I. His journey has taken him beyond my arms reach on this his 30th birthday. It is with a grateful heart that I reflect on his birth, his childhood and his growing into manhood. He has always held me captive with his deep brown eyes and in them I see a part of me that I never saw in anyone else. We are family. He is bone of my bone and flesh of my flesh.

I will choose love. I will set the standard based on Gods Word and definition, not my up and down feelings,reactions or responses. Not on my dreams or expectations interrupted or unfulfilled. I can choose the higher ground. I can choose the model of my Savior, who came to show us His Fathers Way of love. 

JJ Heller's lyrics paint a beautiful picture of both Gods love towards us and His model for us to emulate to those we love.We can be this and do this by His grace and redemptive power. We can do this by submitting and surrendering. We can do this by choosing love.

So today I say to my son, my boy. Happy Thirtieth Birthday! 

"If you fall, I fall with you. If you hurt I feel it too. Even if my heart turns black and blue. 

       I will love you.

Mocha. Chocolate Lab. Unconditional Love and Acceptance.Blessing and Gift from Gods Hand.

Today is our Chocolate Lab, Mocha's ,10th birthday. What a joy she has been to us from the beginning. Initially we purchased her, after having to put our Mini Dachshund, Maverick to sleep. As all pet owners know, getting a new one to love never replaces the one you just lost. It does however help fill the heart, and generally keep you busy, as you move on with a new puppy, in our case.

Mocha, had two black sisters, whom I found very cute as well. However it was a given we would walk out with the chocolate girl. Ray set his sight on her and it never changed. She was very pretty and very soft, but she was also the most aloof of the puppies. She was kind of a loner too. She would come over to us, play for a minute then walk away.But Ray was set on this bundle of chocolate Lab. All in all, I didn't really care. She was cute, her sisters were cute, and I just wanted my heart to stop aching from having lost our Little Shop, Maverick. I knew whatever puppy we picked, we would soon love her.

Obviously, the adjustment to a new puppy kept me busy. Shortly after we got her, we had our vacation start as well. This gave us long days to spend with her and to get to know her. She remained a little stand offish at times , and then out of nowhere she would become our best pal. She was timid at times as well. None of these characteristics were ones we had really ever encountered in puppies we'd had over 30+ years of having pets. It kind of freaked me out. I was afraid she would never bond with us or feel close as all our other puppies had done almost immediately.After all, I was looking to fill the void the loss of Maverick had caused. I already loved Mocha, but at times her aloof spirit did not spell out love to me.

In time, and as we invested into her little life, Mocha became a wonderful pet. We took her through lots of obedience training in the hopes of doing therapy work with her. Due to time constraints and work schedules, the therapy work never panned out, but she is a very obedient ,trustworthy ,loyal girl.She walked into our hearts and then curled up in a little ball where she remains our constant companion and love.

Ten years has gone by. The memories of Maverick remain near in heart, but the loss of him has been covered over with new feelings and memories. The aloof and timid puppy has become a loving and attentive family member.She guards our home with her loud barks. She fills our hearts with her big brown eyes that stare us down at walk time.She fills our every space with her Lab body as she squeezes in to lay as close as possible to those she loves.She makes us laugh as mealtime approaches and each time its as if its her first one.And then there are just those times when you look , and realize that time is marching on. Ray said to Mocha the other day "Hey girl, can you hang around forever?" He then looked at me with the beginnings of tears in his eyes, which made me cry too.

We all know the answer to that. But until we have to face it we will continue to love, and spoil her at every chance given. She will be there,like she always is. Accepting whatever walks, hugs or treats are made available and loving us all the same if none was offered. This is the love and the bond between dog and master.

So today I say Happy Birthday Mocha. You are a gift from God. How often your unconditional love and forgiveness reflect His character in you ,His creation. Its only a glimpse, but what a glimpse it is.

"Who teaches us more than the beasts of the earth and makes us wiser than the birds of the Heavens?"
                           Job 35:11

Saturdays In a New Mindset

Just have a minute to sit and write. It is Saturday and most of my chores are done. That is in part ,because I cut myself some slack today and gave myself some grace.

My house is not being shown on HGTV. It does not have to meet anyone's  standards but mine and my husband's. As long as it is clean enough is okay. It is not a showplace or palace. It is the place we come to rest, to gather together with loved ones,to relax and enjoy what our labor has provided for us. It is Home Sweet Home.

How big or small my home is does not matter. How perfect it appears does not matter. If I am happy and content and comfortable and feel "at home" here is all that matters. For many years (decades), I worried about these things. Not consciously. But these ideas or ideals, that the world projects, kept me imprisoned to what I "should do."  And if I did not "do them", I felt guilt, or got "witchy and uptight" ruining what little down time I had.

Thank God for His grace and His ability to change and transform us. From the inside out.

God's ways seem backwards in the eyes of the world.  The world looks at the outside and judges.  As long as everything "looks" or "appears" okay it is.  God looks at the heart of things...the reality of what's up, and provides His graciousness to fill in the blanks.  What a gift that is.

What's up is, my house is clean but not perfect. What's up is I'm finally okay with that at 58 years old. What's up is that God looks upon my heart and rejoices that I am in communion with Him. What's up is that I too am rejoicing in that. I take my joy and pride today, in the fact that I am learning what's really important.

Paul says in Philippians 3:1, "For the rest, my brethren, delight yourselves in the Lord, and continue to rejoice that you are in Him..Yes, furthermore count everything as loss compared to the possession of the priceless privilege (the overwhelming preciousness, the surpassing worth and supreme advantage) of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord, and of progressively becoming more deeply and intimately acquainted with Him ( of perceiving and recognizing and understanding Him more fully and clearly.)

Letting go of my ways and becoming more clear on His ways is a good thing.

Light. Life. Transformation. The Journey Like No Other.

" Worry is not believing God will get it right and Bitterness is believing God got it wrong."

                       Timothy Keller

My son Ryan and I were having a conversation a week or two ago. He is an avid reader, and enjoys Timothy Keller quite a bit. He shared this quote in reference to something he was talking about. As he said the words I knew they were powerful. I had no idea how much so.

I asked him the next day to send me the quote, that I might re-visit it. I have often since that day.

How amazing is Gods grace, that He gently whispers something into our spirit, that we might look upon it and consider it. It can hang around us and speak to us throughout the course of a day.Or it can be so invasive ,that we can barely escape it and the message or questions it brings. This was the affect of this Keller quote.

As addressed in prior posts, I have a long history of complicated emotions and responses rooted in an abusive and pretty deprived past.Although Jesus has saved me and is transforming me, I am still human and flesh and "that little girl" is a part of who I am and who I have become...like it or not. It is a miracle that I survived and even thrived, and it is all due to the saving grace of God and His love and mercy in my life. This is the basis upon which I have navigated my life since coming to Christ at 17. HIS existence made mine okay. HIS forgiveness made me white as snow. HIS presence gave me purpose and meaning in life when I felt alone or frightened or beaten down and unworthy. Because He lived,I could face tomorrow. And I have all these decades.

For whatever reason,my years as a hands on mother were the most fulfilling and happiest days of my life. Perhaps because I was loved and needed in such an unconditional way, it just filled all the empty places of my heart.Perhaps because they were a part of me and Ray , they were so very special. Perhaps because I could somehow, at least in my mind and my heart, "undo" all the evil and wrong I saw, and give a different life to these my children, there was great satisfaction in that. And perhaps the most important reason was because they were my babies and I was their mama. 

Life goes on. Kids grow up.Move on. Move out. Take spouses. Move away. All of this quite normal, desired and expected. And for the most part , I would say I have done amazing and better than I imagined.  Until I read this quote and it tore a hole in my armor that I was not expecting.

...bitterness is believing God got it wrong... Five little words that I did not think had anything to do with me.Until that still small voice assured me it did.

Every time I wondered why I only had two children and lost several others...I was believing God got it wrong.

Every time I wondered why Mandy had not gotten a contracted job yet....I was believing God got it wrong.

Every time I felt disappointed that Ryan and Brenda wanted to move away...I was believing God got it wrong.

You name it...the economy, the presidency,lots of my hopes and dreams not shaping up as I'd envisioned....I was believing God got it wrong.

Not in a way that I actually dared to think that or say it or question it aloud. Even in the ways I prayed about things, I seemed to be content for the most part.In those ways I was accepting and grateful and hopeful. And I believed I was. I tried to be. I was surrendering and praying for Gods will.

But Gods Spirit has a way of revealing truths that we cannot deny. He does it ever so gently. But it cannot be ignored.I said the right prayers and I did mean them. I played the adult woman and accepted how life goes.I was looking for the "answered prayers" and the "peace that passes understanding". And I got that too at times. But deep inside of me, there's the broken, wounded ,sinful person who is still waiting for God to treat me like my parents and abusers did.Not on a conscious level but way underneath. And our God is the thorough, underneath, straight to your heart kind of Father. He keeps looking, and loving and shining Light into the dark places and bringing His truth.

In that most loving, accepting, helpful way He showed me that I did feel, at least at some level ,that He has been getting it wrong. And just as quickly He showed me His Son . And the Cross. And my heart that so desperately by His Spirits drawing, wants to follow and obey Him. 

And I can.It is in recognizing His grace, that I am able to see this.And in looking at what He offers me, I can move on.He does not expect perfection.He wants relationship.He wants my surrender, knowing that I trust He's not out to get me, but that I truly believe He's "for me".

Lets just say I'm getting there. To see this round of illumination, I have continual hope that "He who began a good work in you (me) will complete it until the day of Jesus Christ." Philippians 1:6

I am not complete. God is not finished with me yet. He is faithful like no other. And the best part of this illumination / revelation is that I stayed with it...in it...no running, no hiding. Just accepting my Fathers Love in His Son and knowing that He cares enough to show me  myself  and give me His best to transform me. He is not like my parents or my abusers. He is the Living God. My perfect Father.My Redeemer. My Refuge. My Hiding Place.

It has been eight months since I last wrote here at My Hiding Place. Is that partially because I myself have been in hiding? Possibly, or maybe not. In the words of the old hymn "Great is Thy Faithfulness. Oh God ,My Father. Morning by morning, New mercies I see.Thou changest not, Thy compassions they fail not. As Thou hast been,Thou forever wilt be. Great is Thy Faithfulness. " , I am able to see a new possibility other than hiding. Resting. Being Still.Knowing that He is God.

So, even as I write I see that resting is a more accurate description than hiding. I used to hide. Avoid God when I felt sadness, despair or fear. I believed that my emotions had the power to make God reject or be disappointed in me , thus resulting in His abandonment of me. So I would avoid Him , until somehow I could make myself presentable enough to go before Him again. These were the mixed signals and conclusions of an abused and discarded child. It made for a very disjointed relationship.On my part, that is. Because He never changes. Never leaves nor forsakes. Is not a man, that He should lie. He is Oh God, My Father. He was ever present, waiting for me with open arms. He was the Good Shepherd, seeking me, the lost and wounded sheep. After decades , and I do mean decades of HIS FAITHFULNESS, it slowly began to sink into my spirit. So in these past eight months, I am even rejoicing now to see that I was resting in those truths and running to Him with broken dreams and unfulfilled expectations and tears. But running towards, not away from Him. Daily and sometimes much more frequently, crying out to Oh God, My Father.Realizing that if I knew nothing else and had no other answers that He was my Father and heard me and was thrilled that I came and talked with Him and gave Him opportunity to speak to me. To hold me near. To comfort me with His peace, that passes understanding.

So I also realized my last entry was just prior to my son moving to Portland. Moving. Change. Loss. Grief.Sadness.Unbearable and out of a mothers hearts range of acceptable emotions. Do you all see the presenting problem or source thereof? Again.The Little Kate. BUT GOD.

This journey has been different as I alluded to earlier in the post. That is not to say it has not been difficult or challenging at times. It has. The difference lies in the faithfulness of God the Father and the responsiveness of the Child...or in this case , the brokenhearted mom. Me. I will share some of this journey in future posts.

Took today off and happened to be encouraged to get back at it. The writing ,that is. To my kids and friends who are always encouraging it I say Thank you. To my Facebook and Pinterest friend and sister in Christ and published writer Lisa Bishop I say Thank you. To my husbands high school friend Lee Clements, who gave a kind of big push and challenge this morning I say Thank you. And to my husband of nearly forty years, my best friend and my Forever Love, I say Thank You.You have heard more of my writings than anyone over this passage of time. You always thought I did it so well and had so much to share. You loved my heart and my compassion and my"writing a book" as you called it.

To Oh God My Father. I take You at Your Word.  " Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of sympathy (pity and mercy) and the God (Who is the Source) of every comfort ( consolation and encouragement).  Who comforts (consoles and encourages) us in every trouble (calamity and affliction) so that we may also be able to comfort (console and encourage) those who are in any kind of trouble or distress with the comfort ( consolation and encouragement) with which we ourselves are comforted (consoled and encouraged) by God." 2 Corinthians 1:3 and 4

Thank you Lord. May it be ever so.