How funny it is that I thought the first thing I would do is start writing daily. And yet I have not.
It's okay to not do what we think we will, should or ought to be doing. It's okay to be.
The definition of do is" to perform, or complete". The definition of be is to "exist".
The past several weeks I have been existing, rather than performing. It has been comfortable at times, and relaxing. Then on other occasions I have struggled internally with expectations that I alone project upon myself to perform and produce. It has been nice to have the freedom to wrestle with this. Retirement has offered me the luxury of this opportunity.
Let me be honest and say, I am far more comfortable with doing, rather than being. Although I exist, its often been easier for me to view myself as a collector of rules, roles and obligations to be met and deadlines to keep, rather than just a soul , created by God for His purpose and enjoyment and fellowship.
That may sound awkward to many, but to me it was my reality.
When I became pregnant with my children, gave birth to them and raised them, I was ever aware of the preciousness and value of their existence. It was fact and not debatable. It has been obvious in the lives they have lived that they understand this. It has become obvious to me of how that was completely absent from the core of my being and identity and became even more pronounced especially in this time of early retirement. How loving and intimate is my Fathers heart towards me, that He continues to reveal Himself to me and speak deep within my heart, that I may be transformed and changed and thus become obedient to His will for me.
Recently the Lord spoke to me about being humble. I have often seen myself as a humble person, and known myself as a person who has struggled for my lifetime with "unworthiness". As I sat in His presence His Holy Spirit began to shed light on my confusion of sorts.As I brought my humility and unworthiness before His throne, He began to ask questions that could only come from Him ,and give answers that I did not know. For example, He spoke to me about "unworthiness" being rooted in pride rather than humility.Lord that cannot be. After all I pride myself on being a humble person. Exactly my child. You pride yourself on that. Pride. He then continued to show me that I have lived my life either comparing myself to others and never measuring up, or being defensive and protective at some level, because I knew they were judging me and I would not measure up. The unworthiness was all wrapped up in the pride, while disguising itself as some form of humility.
Having no normalcy in my upbringing, I was always grasping for what appeared to be the right or best or good thing to do.I had no idea of any intrinsic value in my being. The messages became mixed up at times because I was a child with no parents. no direction, no love or feeling of being cared for or of any value. The best thing is I do not have to live there anymore. God has called me to Himself. He gave His Son to cleanse me and set me free.His Holy Spirit resides within me to teach, guide and direct me.I am free to live the life Christ has given me to live. I am assured of this for Acts 17:28 states "For in Him we live and move and have our being." I live in Him. I have my being in Him.Everything I am or ever will be is because of Him. His death, burial and resurrection seals the deal and makes it so.
In the grace of God, the doing and being need not war against one another. Because we know we are in Him, and the relationship is based on what He has done, we can be free.In that freedom we may sometimes grow in our being.As a direct result of that being growth period , we may then go on and do in ways unknown to us before. In Gods perfect balance there is both room and purpose for both.
As I get more adapted to my new season of life, I am ever grateful for Gods interruptions. He Alone knows the path He has set for me and is ever present. As I listen for Him, He brings truth to me.He is neither a task master nor an objective observer. He has a plan and purpose. Philippians 2:13 says " For God is working in you,giving you the desire and the power to do what pleases Him."
He holds the key to being and doing. There are no mixed messages.My obedience and submission activate the key He holds, opening the door to many possibilities.
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