Power In Prayer Journaling

I have been praying and listening more and writing less. Well here at least. The thrust of most of my writing lately has been in my prayer journal.

In part, this was due to our knowing about our on the way grandbaby,while having to keep quiet about it for awhile.Naturally I was ecstatic and wanted to shout from the rooftops.On the other hand, we wanted to respect the kids wishes.Therein lied the dilemma, Where oh where do I take this joy and praise and yes, even fears? The answer became very clear as I had to do something with the overwhelming emotions.Take them to Jesus.

Throughout the months, as I waited for the green light to share both privately and on FB, about this blessed event, many emotions were flooding my heart. Joy, Gratitude,a Humbling at Gods goodness,and even fear of my own unworthiness to be a Mimi to this precious Little One. Of course, satan had to stir the pot.He is always lurking to "kill, steal and destroy"- the great "accuser of the brethren" that he is. However this time, as he ran at me fists filled with lies and downgrades and arrows full of deceit and propoganda...the precious Holy Spirit of God deflected those destructive messages with the purest love and generosity of heart as He pointed me to the heart of prayer and worship.

Because I had a secret, I felt very alone in some ways. However that thought only lasted a few moments.In reality, I am never alone for He has promised to "never leave me or forsake me". He never "slumbers or sleeps" and always is paying attention to His own. He knows all about me and all my thoughts,emotions or anxieties and He collects "every tear I ever shed". He wants me to have "abundant life" and to "call upon the name of the Lord". His "mercies are new every morning" and "His rod and staff comfort me". He alone "knows the plans He has for me " and they are for good! He wants me "to work out my salvation" and accomplish what He has for me in this life..."to will and to work His good pleasure". These are just a few of the morsels of Gods Word that He recurrently brought to my mind that I might not feel alone nor fall for the enemy of my souls lies or tricks. I intentionally did not look up chapter and verse here to cite the address or to validate Gods Word. His Word stands. In my heart. In my life.In the transforming power it brings to each persons life as we simply listen and believe.

As the opportunity to write ( pray ) in my prayer journal went on I could hear often the Holy Spirit speaking truth into me and thus dispelling the lies of the accuser. The more I wrote, the more I heard as I was surrendering to the Lords picture of things as He sees them and not the deceptiveness of satans untruths. As we ( the Spirit and I ) went along I began to feel empowered to pray even more for the Little One and all God has for them...to dedicate them to Jesus and His Kingdom and to pray blessings over them and for he or she to come to Christ at an early age and live a life protected and empowered by Him. As the prayers became alive and more real, certainly the worship at Gods Majesty and dominion became a part of the process and my heart became alive with hope. Hope in Christ. Hope for the Little One. Hope for this Mimi who knows her foundation and ONLY legacy lies in the love gifted her by Jesus and then in turn shared with those He gave her in this earthly life.No liar, or demon of Hell can overcome that.

This may not be a great sample of writing. This is however a great testimony to the faithfulness of God. To the amazing power of His Word. To the comfort and encouragement of the Holy Spirit.And last but not least, the courage and fight within a mother or a grandmother to love and protect and pray for her children or grand babies. I fought a good fight for my kids, while battling demons from my past at the same time. Gods grace and mercy were ever present. Now I feel even more equipped by the power of the Holy Spirit to wage war on this Little Ones behalf.

satan, you are a liar and a thief.

you were and are defeated in the name of Jesus, the One and Only true God.

your games and tricks have stumbled many.

We get up in the name of Jesus Christ, We go on in His Spirit.We "overcome by the power of His blood."

My only claim to fame and my only legacy is in The King and His Kingdom.And against Him, nothing shall prevail.

Layer by Layer,Step by Step

Ray and I ~ August 1984 ~ 10th Anniversary

Over the past several days and weeks, God has been so gracious and generous to be clearing my mind, and speaking directly into my heart and spirit. Throughout my life He has often had to pull me aside, and dust the cobwebs of dysfunction and confusion from my mind and from my inner voice and allow His healing salve to permeate my wounded self. By His Word, by spirit drenched music, and by His saints, servants and  leaders He has creatively and timely taken my shaking hands and fearful heart into His embrace.For decades , I was unaware. I felt the "stirrings" but did not understand the message.There were times, as well, when the message was misunderstood and translated to me, through my brokenness, and via the inner voice , that had not yet been made new~ or responded to the Masters Touch. It is with great humility that I am able to see how even as a believer, saved by Gods grace and the precious blood of my Savior~ that I still responded to how I had been trained and programmed by my abuse, the world around me and the lies of the enemy. I repeatedly chose sin and my own ways and the ways of this world to somehow survive.Thankfully I am loved by a God Who takes all that into consideration when making someone new.He calls out to us, even as He did to Adam and Eve in the Garden, and asks us  "Where are you"? Genesis 3:9  It is not His desire that we hide from Him. It is always His desire that we be restored. This restorative plan is ongoing ,as we open ourselves to His drawing us to Him.
       The reason I chose to include these two pictures is because I too in some ways, continue to hide.I am no longer hiding from the truth of my abuse. I am no longer hiding from the truth of Gods grace and His Word to heal and even transform me.I no longer hide my sadness or fear or brokenness from Him.He is my Refuge. He is my Hiding Place.He is my Father and my Healer. I know all this to be true.And in my spirit I am very sure of these things. However. I live in a body on planet Earth.I live in a world governed by worldly lusts and rules and lies and prejudices and assumptions.Unfortunately, for many people, this causes them much pain in life.I have allowed my "weight"~ be it small or large~ to govern me for far too long. It was my "identity" for a huge portion of my teen and younger adult years.It kept me in eating disorders for decades. It confused my own body and metabolism into not functioning properly for decades.It brought me shame when without "starving" or exercising crazily ~ I could no longer portray the appropriate and acceptable numbers on the scale or the size dress or jeans that made me an acceptable or attractive woman.It made me feel unworthy of a good, decent and handsome mans love.It made me hesitant and camera shy ~ as if my life had no worth outside of how I measured up. This "false sense of pride" robbed my children, and my future grandchildren or great grandchildren ~ and even Ray and I of many moments able to be captured on film~ in pictures~ because I held such contempt for my "unacceptable" body and felt such "shame" for even existing.
    This may sound crazy or over the top or irrational to some of you.But there are lots of people accepting the lies the enemy tells them.It becomes the norm. It is the sweater we bundle ourselves up in daily. One wears it for so long, we do not even realize it is on us.It becomes a part of us and until, by the grace of God, we recognize He never meant for this to be a part of us, His creation and deeply loved one ~ that we are able to stand before the "mirror" of His Love and disrobe.In a moment filled with grace and supernatural beauty we can see the old, dirty,ragged sweater~ tattered and torn, useless and unnecessary, and courageously remove it.It feels unnatural, at first.The comfort is gone, but it was not real comfort.Comfort is being loved for exactly who you are, how you look,what you weigh and for all that means to you. Comfort is accepting ones self in all those same ways. Comfort is recognizing that one is spirit, soul and body and all parts are important and valuable.Comfort is doing this...owning this. Facing that I allowed my pride and my sin and my shame and my feeling unworthy and not as good as anybody else...to rob me, my husband,my children.Comfort is knowing there is forgiveness and understanding and new days ahead. From God. From myself. From those I love.                                                                                                                                           I still struggle. I may everyday I have breath. As I continue to allow God to breathe His life and love into me, I want to change the ways in which I accept and love myself. Facing this was heartbreaking. One cannot "unring" a bell. But one can play a new song on that bell. My prayer and hope is that I will answer to my Father, when he calls and asks where I am. That I will continue to realize He already knows exactly where I am, and why I am there.To embrace the fact that He inquires because He cares so much for me and that because of that great love and grace~ I might continue to come out of hiding. Facing our demons and our weaknesses, in the Light of His love, makes change possible. His is not a condemning, comparative Love. His is one that calls us into wholeness like we've never known. Safe, gentle,courageous and life changing. Just like our Savior.

p

Ray and I ~ December 2007~ Christmas

New Songs for a New Vision in a New Year

Entering this New Year, God has been speaking two songs deep into my spirit and thus my life. They are kind of my "devotional" songs for this year~ if not for this year, certainly for this season.

For most of my life, I have been drawn to the "singer/songwriters". Now as I learn to know myself better, I realize it was not because I was some sort of quirky nerd or some indie spirit...but rather because I am a writer and a communicator. When I listen to music, the lyrical content will capture me...even if I am not drawn to the musicality initially. It is with that in mind that I share these songs, before I explore them here.


The first song is by Matt Maher (along with Audrey Assad, Christy Nockels and Kristian Stanfill) and its titled, Lord, I Need You.

The second song is called We Come, and it is by our pastors daughter and the Worship Leader at our Church, Shannon Quintana.

The song by Matt Maher seems so obvious in its title. Of course" I need you, Lord." However it goes so much deeper than that. This  is not a desperate cry alone ,of a soul marred by sin, but rather a statement of truth for the believers life. For anyone who is a follower of Jesus, it is not just His grace and forgiveness we desire and partake of. That partaking" ups the ante "so to speak, because it then causes a relationship and bond to form, that transforms us..or will if we allow it to. This video playfully suggests different hours of the day at which we may need the Lord. Upon rising in the morning..at the coffee break at work..reading a book in the evening and heading off to sleep."Every hour, I need You. " Indeed. It is a relationship bound  by love. "We love Him because He first loved us." 1 John 4:19

When we love our spouses, children, friends and even our furry family members; we think of them, want to spend time with them, "need" them to give depth and meaning and value to our existence.Likewise in our relationship with God there are similar feelings. If I have not connected with the Lord, I begin to miss Him.As I think about things in life,how He sees them or would like me to view them, cannot be far behind my own thought processes ~ because we are One now~ in Christ. "My sheep listen to My voice; I know them and they follow Me.I give them eternal life,and they shall never perish, and no one can snatch them out of My Hand. My Father who has given them to Me ,is greater than all; no one can snatch them out of My Fathers Hand. I and the Father are One. John 10: 27~30

This divine connection,redemption,transformation is real. It is a relationship birthed by Love ~ Revealed by Christs sacrifice on the Cross ~Fueled by the drawing of the Holy Spirit and our response to Him. It is not a religious activity or regimen we perform regularly.It is a living ,breathing union with the Creator of our soul.A relationship worthy of time and love and care.I treasure it, therefore I "need" it~ I need the Lord.

In the second song by Shannon, one of the opening lines says this~ " Welcome to the presence of a holy God ~ With open arms You tell us to come closer."

Is not that visual alone breathtaking?

To understand and embrace the concept of a holy God is one thing. To then realize we are being welcomed in, with open arms and then urged to "come closer" is quite another. It serves well to magnify the difference between religion and relationship.We can all recognize that God exists. " You believe that there is one God. Good! Even the demons believe that ~ and shudder." James 2:19  Romans 1:20 also says, "For since the creation of the world, Gods invisible qualities~ His eternal power and divine nature~have been clearly seen , being understood from what has been made,so that people are without excuse." Those are statements from Gods Word. Therefore they stand as complete truth. He exists.

In conjunction with His existence, is the reality that He desires to commune with us, to love us, to develop us as His own. "I have loved you with an everlasting love, I have drawn you with loving kindness says the Lord." Jeremiah 31:3  Philippians 1:6 says " Being confident of this one thing, that He who began a good work in you will carry it onto completion,until the day of Jesus Christ." and also in Revelation 3:20 " Behold I stand at the door and knock,if any man hears My voice I will come into him,and will sup with him and he with Me. " These are only three verses of countless many, where God is reaching out to engage and relate with us.

So as I enter this New Year, I am rejoicing in opportunities to not only recognize my need of my Lord but also to recognize His voice in the stillness of my heart, when He says to come closer to His amazing open arms of love and grace. As in any other valued relationship there may be  hills and valleys, because we are human. For His part He never changes and remains the same, yesterday, today and forever.( Hebrews 13:8)

How I thank God for the "singer /songwriters" who influence my walk and my life in Christ.They challenge me and call me to something "higher than I'. As their predecessor David they speak out of their own hearts and reflect the image of the God who created them, and call all of us to become like David, "a man after Gods own heart."