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| Ray and I ~ August 1984 ~ 10th Anniversary |
Over the past several days and weeks, God has been so gracious and generous to be clearing my mind, and speaking directly into my heart and spirit. Throughout my life He has often had to pull me aside, and dust the cobwebs of dysfunction and confusion from my mind and from my inner voice and allow His healing salve to permeate my wounded self. By His Word, by spirit drenched music, and by His saints, servants and leaders He has creatively and timely taken my shaking hands and fearful heart into His embrace.For decades , I was unaware. I felt the "stirrings" but did not understand the message.There were times, as well, when the message was misunderstood and translated to me, through my brokenness, and via the inner voice , that had not yet been made new~ or responded to the Masters Touch. It is with great humility that I am able to see how even as a believer, saved by Gods grace and the precious blood of my Savior~ that I still responded to how I had been trained and programmed by my abuse, the world around me and the lies of the enemy. I repeatedly chose sin and my own ways and the ways of this world to somehow survive.Thankfully I am loved by a God Who takes all that into consideration when making someone new.He calls out to us, even as He did to Adam and Eve in the Garden, and asks us "Where are you"? Genesis 3:9 It is not His desire that we hide from Him. It is always His desire that we be restored. This restorative plan is ongoing ,as we open ourselves to His drawing us to Him.
The reason I chose to include these two pictures is because I too in some ways, continue to hide.I am no longer hiding from the truth of my abuse. I am no longer hiding from the truth of Gods grace and His Word to heal and even transform me.I no longer hide my sadness or fear or brokenness from Him.He is my Refuge. He is my Hiding Place.He is my Father and my Healer. I know all this to be true.And in my spirit I am very sure of these things. However. I live in a body on planet Earth.I live in a world governed by worldly lusts and rules and lies and prejudices and assumptions.Unfortunately, for many people, this causes them much pain in life.I have allowed my "weight"~ be it small or large~ to govern me for far too long. It was my "identity" for a huge portion of my teen and younger adult years.It kept me in eating disorders for decades. It confused my own body and metabolism into not functioning properly for decades.It brought me shame when without "starving" or exercising crazily ~ I could no longer portray the appropriate and acceptable numbers on the scale or the size dress or jeans that made me an acceptable or attractive woman.It made me feel unworthy of a good, decent and handsome mans love.It made me hesitant and camera shy ~ as if my life had no worth outside of how I measured up. This "false sense of pride" robbed my children, and my future grandchildren or great grandchildren ~ and even Ray and I of many moments able to be captured on film~ in pictures~ because I held such contempt for my "unacceptable" body and felt such "shame" for even existing.
This may sound crazy or over the top or irrational to some of you.But there are lots of people accepting the lies the enemy tells them.It becomes the norm. It is the sweater we bundle ourselves up in daily. One wears it for so long, we do not even realize it is on us.It becomes a part of us and until, by the grace of God, we recognize He never meant for this to be a part of us, His creation and deeply loved one ~ that we are able to stand before the "mirror" of His Love and disrobe.In a moment filled with grace and supernatural beauty we can see the old, dirty,ragged sweater~ tattered and torn, useless and unnecessary, and courageously remove it.It feels unnatural, at first.The comfort is gone, but it was not real comfort.Comfort is being loved for exactly who you are, how you look,what you weigh and for all that means to you. Comfort is accepting ones self in all those same ways. Comfort is recognizing that one is spirit, soul and body and all parts are important and valuable.Comfort is doing this...owning this. Facing that I allowed my pride and my sin and my shame and my feeling unworthy and not as good as anybody else...to rob me, my husband,my children.Comfort is knowing there is forgiveness and understanding and new days ahead. From God. From myself. From those I love. I still struggle. I may everyday I have breath. As I continue to allow God to breathe His life and love into me, I want to change the ways in which I accept and love myself. Facing this was heartbreaking. One cannot "unring" a bell. But one can play a new song on that bell. My prayer and hope is that I will answer to my Father, when he calls and asks where I am. That I will continue to realize He already knows exactly where I am, and why I am there.To embrace the fact that He inquires because He cares so much for me and that because of that great love and grace~ I might continue to come out of hiding. Facing our demons and our weaknesses, in the Light of His love, makes change possible. His is not a condemning, comparative Love. His is one that calls us into wholeness like we've never known. Safe, gentle,courageous and life changing. Just like our Savior.
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| Ray and I ~ December 2007~ Christmas |
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